Divorce once kids are in college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

Does your husband even realize how bad you think it is? My ex wife pulled the “I haven’t loved you for three years crap” and I had literally no idea. If he doesn’t really know you better tell him. Immediately. I have a long term hate situation based on having rug pulled out from under me. Don’t do it until he has specific articulable warning. You likely won’t find a better man if you’ve been with him this long. Selfishness.

OP here. This is not our situation. If anything it is quite the opposite. I guarantee he does not want to be with me, he has made this clear many times.

Then why are you together? Is it a neurotic co-dependency?

OP here. No, but thanks for the thought. I would have left a while ago if it were just me. It is financial. I don't have the financial ability to leave, it would destroy my children college situations. I am just too scared to do that and want to get them on their feet as young adults. What else am I to do, we saved to help put them through college our whole married lives and all of that would go out the door in a messy divorce I am just not willing to risk it.

Would husband accept your living somewhere else without a divorce? So, a separation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

I know a lot of men with this attitude. Thing is, they aren’t actually good husbands.

Exactly. I can’t imagine having spent any time at all with a man like this, that would be awful. And I’ve slso been married for 30 years with some challenges ( handicapped children) but to a great man.
And it’s not hard for a man to start over at 55 or 60 - there are oodles of women who will literally throw themselves at any decent man.
Maybe you need to work on yourself some, sir. Stole your retirement? “Unhappy”?

[Anonymous]

Divorce during the first yrear of college can be extremely hard on young adults. So much about college is new and different and 'home' and 'family' is their safe foundation. Divorce to a young adult means your parents are in need of support instead of being your support. Divorce takes away the stable base, the support, the comfort of home, and replaces it with stress, turmoil and more things that are new and different.

Probably better to divorce earlier rather than at a time of transition.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I had an amicable settlement (reasons for divorce were not). Assets accumulated during the divorce are split 50/50. We each kept our own 401K’s (did not fight to even those 50/50). House was not split 50/50 as financially we would lose if we sold with the costs associated with moving. I kept the house (had to apply to assume mortgage from lender). He then got more of the savings.

Since your kids are older, you’ll still have to decide who claims the kids for taxes until they are no longer dependents. Same for their health insurance (who’s Plan will they stay in). You’ll still want to decide who pays what incidentals for the kids until they are fully on their own.

Remember if you get the divorce, to update your wills/trust/medical directives

[Anonymous]

XDH left in the spring of our youngest kid’s junior year of high school. It wasn’t any better.

I hung onto the house to give the kids some stability, especially teen DS who had one more year of high school. One thing a therapist did say to me was that kids want/need that stability for their first year of college. But after they come home for Christmas and Spring breaks that first year, they’ve started to develop their own support systems and don’t need their homes as much. I noticed this to be true with my two college-age kids. Also, teen DS chose to spend 100% of his time with me for his last year of high school, and I’m sure that having his room and his home was part of it. Both kids still refuse to spend any time at XDH’s new place, partly because XDH was such a jerk about leaving, but I really think keeping their home, rooms and stuff meant a lot to them during these transitions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:XDH left in the spring of our youngest kid’s junior year of high school. It wasn’t any better.

I hung onto the house to give the kids some stability, especially teen DS who had one more year of high school. One thing a therapist did say to me was that kids want/need that stability for their first year of college. But after they come home for Christmas and Spring breaks that first year, they’ve started to develop their own support systems and don’t need their homes as much. I noticed this to be true with my two college-age kids. Also, teen DS chose to spend 100% of his time with me for his last year of high school, and I’m sure that having his room and his home was part of it. Both kids still refuse to spend any time at XDH’s new place, partly because XDH was such a jerk about leaving, but I really think keeping their home, rooms and stuff meant a lot to them during these transitions.

PS. Your XDH can force a sale of the house once your kids are 18, and sometimes earlier. Like PP, I bought the house from XDH. This was made easier by the fact that I owed him less than 1/2 of the equity because he owed me tons of money in back child support.

[Anonymous]

OP my fiance's parents divorced just after one child graduated high school. It was very expected, mutual, and kid graduated with a double STEM major from Yale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

If you were smart enough to marry a woman who worked, you’d have half of her retirement too. Nobody held a gun to your head to marry a loser.

np pp don't you think you are a bit harsh? So, unless you earn a paycheck than you are a loser? Does this happen when you are in retirement? Do you feel this way about the women who were not allowed to work? You find no value in raising the next generation. How very sad.

[Anonymous]

Please don't wait until the first year of college. This happened to several of my classmates freshman year and they were devastated. Two of them transferred to less competitive schools. They felt adrift and super guilty that their parents had been unhappy and stayed just for them.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to agree with 20:56 - I have a friend whose parents did this. He’s struggled more as an adult than a younger person would have. 20 years later, he has a domestic partner instead of wife (not judging, just a fact that he distrusts marriage). He cut off a large number of friends from high school although we’re a pretty close group all over the world.

I really think this is the most devastating thing you can do to your children. It’s like “we were waiting on YOU, despite our own unhappiness”, and then puts it on them.

Own your unhappiness, and move along. Now or in a year won’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to agree with 20:56 - I have a friend whose parents did this. He’s struggled more as an adult than a younger person would have. 20 years later, he has a domestic partner instead of wife (not judging, just a fact that he distrusts marriage). He cut off a large number of friends from high school although we’re a pretty close group all over the world.

I really think this is the most devastating thing you can do to your children. It’s like “we were waiting on YOU, despite our own unhappiness”, and then puts it on them.

Own your unhappiness, and move along. Now or in a year won’t matter.

On the other hand, shuttling between parents can also damage kids. If there’s an acrimonious custody battle, kids may know that they’re being put in the middle despite your efforts to keep it from them. Waiting says “we put your needs above ours for a while to give you stability.”

It depends on the marriage, and how bad things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my fiance's parents divorced just after one child graduated high school. It was very expected, mutual, and kid graduated with a double STEM major from Yale.

I think the key here is “expected”.many parents hide it from their kids, and then the separation and divorce feel like a kick to the spleen.

Expected is different than out in the open, just a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

My kid in her second year of college at a top Ivy did fine. It wasn’t easy. But she graduated last spring, is gainfully employed, and seems very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to agree with 20:56 - I have a friend whose parents did this. He’s struggled more as an adult than a younger person would have. 20 years later, he has a domestic partner instead of wife (not judging, just a fact that he distrusts marriage). He cut off a large number of friends from high school although we’re a pretty close group all over the world.

I really think this is the most devastating thing you can do to your children. It’s like “we were waiting on YOU, despite our own unhappiness”, and then puts it on them.

Own your unhappiness, and move along. Now or in a year won’t matter.

I got divorced after kids in college. We told them we didn't want to miss one moment of them growing up. We told them they are our greatest acheivement and we love them more than anything in the world. We let them know our lives are set up in a way that they always have a safe place to go home to and to take risks. All birthdays and holidays are planned and easy.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for all the feedback, advice and opinions. It gives me much to think about and I appreciate all of the different perspectives.