Divorce once kids are in college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College professor here. I've had a few students break down in class/after class in this situation. It's very sad. I am confident they all got through it, but in many cases it impacted them majorly and it was tremendously sad.

Which is why staying together for the kids is bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to agree with 20:56 - I have a friend whose parents did this. He’s struggled more as an adult than a younger person would have. 20 years later, he has a domestic partner instead of wife (not judging, just a fact that he distrusts marriage). He cut off a large number of friends from high school although we’re a pretty close group all over the world.

I really think this is the most devastating thing you can do to your children. It’s like “we were waiting on YOU, despite our own unhappiness”, and then puts it on them.

Own your unhappiness, and move along. Now or in a year won’t matter.

I got divorced after kids in college. We told them we didn't want to miss one moment of them growing up. We told them they are our greatest acheivement and we love them more than anything in the world. We let them know our lives are set up in a way that they always have a safe place to go home to and to take risks. All birthdays and holidays are planned and easy.

NP here Thank you for this post which includes great role model. Would you please expand upon how all the birthdays and holidays are planned and easy?

[Anonymous]

I had to wait a year because I had minor children, so I'm not sure about adults. However, my divorce was $500 uncontested, we went to the lawyer's office and signed everything, he filed the paperwork, and it was finished. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to agree with 20:56 - I have a friend whose parents did this. He’s struggled more as an adult than a younger person would have. 20 years later, he has a domestic partner instead of wife (not judging, just a fact that he distrusts marriage). He cut off a large number of friends from high school although we’re a pretty close group all over the world.

I really think this is the most devastating thing you can do to your children. It’s like “we were waiting on YOU, despite our own unhappiness”, and then puts it on them.

Own your unhappiness, and move along. Now or in a year won’t matter.

I got divorced after kids in college. We told them we didn't want to miss one moment of them growing up. We told them they are our greatest acheivement and we love them more than anything in the world. We let them know our lives are set up in a way that they always have a safe place to go home to and to take risks. All birthdays and holidays are planned and easy.

NP here Thank you for this post which includes great role model. Would you please expand upon how all the birthdays and holidays are planned and easy?

We live fairly close to one another and holidays / birthdays are a big deal. We trade off so kids do not have to go to both places ever. Make it nice and easy for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

It's not his pension. It's his and hers.

A good husband would know that.

NP : Why is it assumed your spouse is entitled to 50% of assets ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a girl whose parents told her they were getting divorced the summer after high school graduation. She had a nervous breakdown and switched from Cornell to community college so she could stay home with her mom. She felt like her whole life was changing with going off to college and needed home to stay the same, so to have that changing threw her off. She never got a four year degree.

When I needed to get divorced I did it right away without waiting. When our kids went off to college, they knew everything at home would stay the same, and they found solace in that.

My youngest DD did basically the same thing when DW decided to split.

[Anonymous]

I did my divorce in VA very simply and paid a lawyer a fee to file it.

I took a standard divorce agreement and modified it to our situation, had it signed and notarized by both of us, that was it.

Cost about $250 to have the lawyer file the document.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

+1

Odds are pretty good that the child is not clueless that the marriage has been lousy for years. He or she is 18, not 8.

It’s just unfair for the kids when dad starts calling and screaming obscenities about Mom & people asking the kid to come to court to testify..
If it can possibly be an amicable split go for it.
Do you have an exit plan? Where will you go? Does Husband expect this ?

It's the reverse in my case. Kids no Mom is just a sick woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

It's not his pension. It's his and hers.

A good husband would know that.

NP : Why is it assumed your spouse is entitled to 50% of assets ?

Unless there's a pre-nup, that's how marital law works.

[Anonymous]

I hated my parents for divorcing when I was a sophomore in college. It took me awhile to get over it.

I wasn't stupid. I knew their marriage was over before then. I knew they were miserable and stuck living together because of me. When I struggled my first semester in college, coming home made it worse. The disdain was obvious between my parents and "faking it" for me just made it worse. I didn't come home my second semester and stayed with a friends family that summer and got a job. The stress of home life falling apart and the stress of the first year of college was difficult. My older sibling came home at college (mostly for my sake) and got into an argument with my parents over how selfish they were.

I ended up in therapy. A lot of issues from spending years with an unhealthy marriage as my example of a relationship plus the guilt that I experienced from them staying together for me. Both my parents are happily remarried and I'm happily married. But I do have some residing anger towards them that likely won't ever go away.

I know many adults in my situation too (i joined an online support group at the time).

I think many people who say it's better to stay together for the kids are lying to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am planning to stay married one last year until my youngest DC goes to college. I have been slowly building my exit strategy. I have enough income to provide for myself and get by and slowly save, however my husband has been the breadwinner so he has much more than I do. I will have my own medical insurance with my new job.

Is there such a thing as a simple divorce in Virginia? I plan to see a lawyer this year but just wondered what there is to argue about? Do we have to go to court? If we just find a fair way to split assets, deal with the house and equity is there anything else that we need to deal with now that the kids will be all over 18?

It has been a very miserable situation and it is definitely for the best for everyone.

My best friends parents ended a long, bitter, and dead marriage when she was in college. Still sent her off the deep end and her life has never been the same since. 15 years later she never can quite get it together. Looking back before and after the divorce it’s so obvious the divorce was the culprit but in her mind she’s still glad they split. Saw similar with another friends whose parents split well into adulthood.
All this to say, do not f*ck with your kids heads because you’re “miserable.” Maybe having an empty nest will bro g you close again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

She will get her portion of their pension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

+1

Very selfish.

[Anonymous]

My mom did the same thing. F#cked up all three of us kids - I was already working post-college at age 24, my brother was 21 and totally failing to-take-flight, and my sister was in her freshman year.

That initial 24 months after their separation was pure turmoil for us three kids.

More than anything, I really sad that I no longer had a home to come back to on holidays. My brother knocked up his girlfriend and they moved in with my mom for 1.5 years until he enlisted in the Marines. My sister hasn't spoken with my father in nearly 10 years.

Do what you want, but just be aware that there will be repercussions. Your family won't be unscathed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

+1

Very selfish.

Pulling the rug out is leaving early .. Sending the child back and forth... Introducing boyfriends and lovers .step siblings and living in poverty while they are trying to grow up .

Having the discipline to raise children in a stable environment even though you aren't sexually satisfied is going the extra mile.