Divorce once kids are in college

[Anonymous]

My most screwed up friends are those whose parents "stayed together for the kids" and then split up as soon as the youngest kid left for college. Growing up knowing mom and dad hated each other (if you think the kids don't know, you are fooling yourself) and then dealing with the divorce in early adulthood... lots of dysfunction, not a single happy relationship between them. I think leave or stay, the kids will suffer. Might as well just leave now.

[Anonymous]

OP why would you divorce? Keep your finances and retirement stable. Plus you can find hobbies and other things to take you away from your DH. Why mess up your lifestyle?

Seriously, the men you meet will all have baggage and problems. And if you don't want to date you'll have a harder time financially. I would try to put money away that he doesn't know about in case he is the one to file. Meanwhile be happy with your life. Shouldn't take a man or relationship to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

Does your husband even realize how bad you think it is? My ex wife pulled the “I haven’t loved you for three years crap” and I had literally no idea. If he doesn’t really know you better tell him. Immediately. I have a long term hate situation based on having rug pulled out from under me. Don’t do it until he has specific articulable warning. You likely won’t find a better man if you’ve been with him this long. Selfishness.

OP here. This is not our situation. If anything it is quite the opposite. I guarantee he does not want to be with me, he has made this clear many times.

Then why are you together? Is it a neurotic co-dependency?

OP here. No, but thanks for the thought. I would have left a while ago if it were just me. It is financial. I don't have the financial ability to leave, it would destroy my children college situations. I am just too scared to do that and want to get them on their feet as young adults. What else am I to do, we saved to help put them through college our whole married lives and all of that would go out the door in a messy divorce I am just not willing to risk it.

Unless he's abusive stay and do separate things. Visit your kids in college on weekends by yourself or take a girlfriend. Try to get along better with your DH, but have your own social agenda. I wish you could describe what is so difficult OP.

[Anonymous]

Do it sooner before she's 18 so you can nail down who is paying tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am planning to stay married one last year until my youngest DC goes to college. I have been slowly building my exit strategy. I have enough income to provide for myself and get by and slowly save, however my husband has been the breadwinner so he has much more than I do. I will have my own medical insurance with my new job.

Is there such a thing as a simple divorce in Virginia? I plan to see a lawyer this year but just wondered what there is to argue about? Do we have to go to court? If we just find a fair way to split assets, deal with the house and equity is there anything else that we need to deal with now that the kids will be all over 18?

It has been a very miserable situation and it is definitely for the best for everyone.

My best friends parents ended a long, bitter, and dead marriage when she was in college. Still sent her off the deep end and her life has never been the same since. 15 years later she never can quite get it together. Looking back before and after the divorce it’s so obvious the divorce was the culprit but in her mind she’s still glad they split. Saw similar with another friends whose parents split well into adulthood.
All this to say, do not f*ck with your kids heads because you’re “miserable.” Maybe having an empty nest will bro g you close again.

What if there is abuse, know it all don’t you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP why would you divorce? Keep your finances and retirement stable. Plus you can find hobbies and other things to take you away from your DH. Why mess up your lifestyle?

Seriously, the men you meet will all have baggage and problems. And if you don't want to date you'll have a harder time financially. I would try to put money away that he doesn't know about in case he is the one to file. Meanwhile be happy with your life. Shouldn't take a man or relationship to do that.

This. You may really ruin life for your youngest. Since you have gone this far, go as far as you can before you call it quits.

[Anonymous]

You are wasting your husband's life. He can be busy finding happiness than dealing with your selfish nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

She will get her portion of their pension.

I once worked with a guy whose ex-wife was going to get half his very generous government pension when he retired. She was a horrible woman, and he refused to retire. He died on the job and she got nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am planning to stay married one last year until my youngest DC goes to college. I have been slowly building my exit strategy. I have enough income to provide for myself and get by and slowly save, however my husband has been the breadwinner so he has much more than I do. I will have my own medical insurance with my new job.

Is there such a thing as a simple divorce in Virginia? I plan to see a lawyer this year but just wondered what there is to argue about? Do we have to go to court? If we just find a fair way to split assets, deal with the house and equity is there anything else that we need to deal with now that the kids will be all over 18?

It has been a very miserable situation and it is definitely for the best for everyone.

If you have a peaceful spouse there are mediated divorces. My friend had a very quick smooth one, but that was after 3 years, no kids, and no substantial accumulation of benefits. Your divorce will probably more complicated since you will likely have a stake in retirement and any mutual assets that accrued interests. Have you talked with DH and is he sounding mutual about the idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

She will get her portion of their pension.

I once worked with a guy whose ex-wife was going to get half his very generous government pension when he retired. She was a horrible woman, and he refused to retire. He died on the job and she got nothing.

Do you think of this as a success story? This is the very definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are wasting your husband's life. He can be busy finding happiness than dealing with your selfish nonsense.

Don’t worry her DH already has a steady girlfriend. This is inevitable in platonic roommate marriages. They aren’t fighting so DADT might work out for them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

You are not making any sense. She is entitled to your pension.

It's not his pension. It's his and hers.

A good husband would know that.

NP : Why is it assumed your spouse is entitled to 50% of assets ?

Unless there's a pre-nup, that's how marital law works.

Not true except in community property states (and even then community property normally only applies to assets aquired during the marriage. Most states are “equitable distribution” states, and no, equitable does not mean equal — it means “fair.” And “fair” means different things to different judges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why would you divorce? Keep your finances and retirement stable. Plus you can find hobbies and other things to take you away from your DH. Why mess up your lifestyle?

Seriously, the men you meet will all have baggage and problems. And if you don't want to date you'll have a harder time financially. I would try to put money away that he doesn't know about in case he is the one to file. Meanwhile be happy with your life. Shouldn't take a man or relationship to do that.

This. You may really ruin life for your youngest. Since you have gone this far, go as far as you can before you call it quits.

+100. My friends who are divorced are not happier than when they were married. Never thought I would be the one to advise stay married unless there is something unbearable, but I am now. Think carefully before going ahead with this plan.

[Anonymous]

Take everything. Take it all!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering what the STBXWs in the forum would consider equitable distribution in this case:

Assets: $1.9 million (2 Homes, 3 rentals plus retirement savings.

Debts: $1.25 million

Net Worth: $735,000

Federal pension, health insurance and life insurance.

DW earn $136K
DH earns $145K

One child in college.