Divorce once kids are in college

[Anonymous]

OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

I know a lot of men with this attitude. Thing is, they aren’t actually good husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

+1

Odds are pretty good that the child is not clueless that the marriage has been lousy for years. He or she is 18, not 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

I know a lot of men with this attitude. Thing is, they aren’t actually good husbands.

Why not? Pp sounds reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

If you were smart enough to marry a woman who worked, you’d have half of her retirement too. Nobody held a gun to your head to marry a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

If you were smart enough to marry a woman who worked, you’d have half of her retirement too. Nobody held a gun to your head to marry a loser.

He loved her commitment to benefiting his career and earning potential; never having to schlep a toddler with an ear infection to the ped on a Tuesday; never having to wonder if there's flour or paper towels at home; which foods are banned from the packed lunches at schools; right up until there were consequences...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

Op, people are not saying to keep faking it for longer. They’re saying stop faking, get divorced now. That way your child will not have to deal with the upheaval of going to college and her parents’ divorce at the same time. She also won’t have to blame herself either for the divorce or for you staying in an unhappy marriage until she goes to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

Does your husband even realize how bad you think it is? My ex wife pulled the “I haven’t loved you for three years crap” and I had literally no idea. If he doesn’t really know you better tell him. Immediately. I have a long term hate situation based on having rug pulled out from under me. Don’t do it until he has specific articulable warning. You likely won’t find a better man if you’ve been with him this long. Selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

I know a lot of men with this attitude. Thing is, they aren’t actually good husbands.

Why not? Pp sounds reasonable to me.

Very selfish to call their retirement "his" retirement. No wonder they divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

I'm so surprised your wife would leave a prize like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

Does your husband even realize how bad you think it is? My ex wife pulled the “I haven’t loved you for three years crap” and I had literally no idea. If he doesn’t really know you better tell him. Immediately. I have a long term hate situation based on having rug pulled out from under me. Don’t do it until he has specific articulable warning. You likely won’t find a better man if you’ve been with him this long. Selfishness.

OP here. This is not our situation. If anything it is quite the opposite. I guarantee he does not want to be with me, he has made this clear many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were your husband I'd divorce you the second I learned of your plan. I divorced my wife when she told me she was going to do that, and saved myself about 10 years of pension.

If you waited until the kids were done with college and filed for divorce and stole my retirement, I'd go full-fledged scorched earth on you.

Men: pay attention. 30 years of being a good husband is worth nothing if she decides she is "unhappy". It's hard to start over when you are 55 or 60.

Yeah, it's pretty brutal. Know people who have gone through this exact scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

Does your husband even realize how bad you think it is? My ex wife pulled the “I haven’t loved you for three years crap” and I had literally no idea. If he doesn’t really know you better tell him. Immediately. I have a long term hate situation based on having rug pulled out from under me. Don’t do it until he has specific articulable warning. You likely won’t find a better man if you’ve been with him this long. Selfishness.

OP here. This is not our situation. If anything it is quite the opposite. I guarantee he does not want to be with me, he has made this clear many times.

Then why are you together? Is it a neurotic co-dependency?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. If I felt I could endure the situation I would absolutely stay with my husband for the well being of my kids. However it is day to day sometimes and I know I can't stay in this relationship for the long run. So, I really appreciate the input about the effects on kids when they go to college. Maybe I will have to make it longer and wait. But, I will be my kids mother forever, and even though a divorce might be painful I think it is better than having a broken person as their mom for the rest of their life. I can fake it for a while but not forever.

Does your husband even realize how bad you think it is? My ex wife pulled the “I haven’t loved you for three years crap” and I had literally no idea. If he doesn’t really know you better tell him. Immediately. I have a long term hate situation based on having rug pulled out from under me. Don’t do it until he has specific articulable warning. You likely won’t find a better man if you’ve been with him this long. Selfishness.

OP here. This is not our situation. If anything it is quite the opposite. I guarantee he does not want to be with me, he has made this clear many times.

Then why are you together? Is it a neurotic co-dependency?

OP here. No, but thanks for the thought. I would have left a while ago if it were just me. It is financial. I don't have the financial ability to leave, it would destroy my children college situations. I am just too scared to do that and want to get them on their feet as young adults. What else am I to do, we saved to help put them through college our whole married lives and all of that would go out the door in a messy divorce I am just not willing to risk it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pulling the rug out from under that child and you're putting a tremendous amount of baggage on her, or she will be made to feel that way. Like it was her fault you stayed together all these years. Everything she thought she had was a lie. Why did you wait this long?

+1

Odds are pretty good that the child is not clueless that the marriage has been lousy for years. He or she is 18, not 8.

It’s just unfair for the kids when dad starts calling and screaming obscenities about Mom & people asking the kid to come to court to testify..
If it can possibly be an amicable split go for it.
Do you have an exit plan? Where will you go? Does Husband expect this ?