Stepparent not invited - getting acrimonious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this as a teen, OP. Very similar scenario. My dad is now on his 6th wife, and now has no relationship with any of his children or grandchildren. These were his choices as he was given lots of opportunities and kindness by myself and my siblings. He chose the outcome of his relationship with his children. This makes my mother incredibly sad and she constantly is encouraging us to mend hearts and minds. But we can only do so much from our end.

Don’t push your DD, don’t get involved at all in fact.

Not to derail this thread, but how does any woman say to herself "the first five didn't work out, but I'm sooooo special, I'm going to be able to make this marriage work"

OP, I would just tell your daughter to always take the high road in life. If her father wants to be a douche and show up to her graduation with Suzie even though he knows not to, I think he can also suffer the consequences of not having his daughter in his life later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this as a teen, OP. Very similar scenario. My dad is now on his 6th wife, and now has no relationship with any of his children or grandchildren. These were his choices as he was given lots of opportunities and kindness by myself and my siblings. He chose the outcome of his relationship with his children. This makes my mother incredibly sad and she constantly is encouraging us to mend hearts and minds. But we can only do so much from our end.

Don’t push your DD, don’t get involved at all in fact.

Not to derail this thread, but how does any woman say to herself "the first five didn't work out, but I'm sooooo special, I'm going to be able to make this marriage work"

OP, I would just tell your daughter to always take the high road in life. If her father wants to be a douche and show up to her graduation with Suzie even though he knows not to, I think he can also suffer the consequences of not having his daughter in his life later.

LOl Wackos always seem to find each other. Many toxic families, sometimes it's best to cut all ties.

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter is old enough to decide on this, and it sounds like she really, really does not want her step mother there. For what it's worth, when I was her age my father had an affair and walked out on us. In an ironic twist of fate, his AP chickened out on leaving her family, so my dad ended up all alone. Anyway, 15 years later my dad and I barely speak, and I STILL think I might punch that lady in the face if I ever met her. I can only imagine how your daughter feels now that the other woman is her step mother. I know some people in this thread are counseling OP to take the high road and it seems like she has done that. I don't think she should have to force her daughter to accept the step mom though. Step mom is a home wrecker and is reaping the natural consequences of her actions. She has no right to expect the daughter to accept her.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is smart. Let her make her own decisions. She knows the score by now. Your ex is an idiot. He can't make someone like someone else. My boys hated their stepmother, and still do, although she came along two years after I left their dad. The things that they went through at their dad's house were horrific, and I am still finding out things that they were too ashamed to tell me when they were younger?. Only one of mine told me anything when he was a minor, we pressed charges, and the stepbrother denied it, so nothing was investigated. That made my older two decide that there was no point in saying anything. They turned out to be strong men, in spite of what they went through when they were there. OP, your daughter will be better off in the military, and she will be in charge of her life and how it turns out. Your ex can regret this later. My ex certainly does.

[Anonymous]

Does your graduation have tickets or is it open to the public? I would urge your DD not to create a scene on her big day by bringing in security. She had made her feelings known to her father and hopefully the evil step mother will stay home. However, do plan a dinner out or a get together with friends and make a quick exit if necessary.

You don't say how big her graduating class is, but generrally, it's a crowded atmosphere and it can take some time to locate your kid in the sea of caps and gowns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - yes, there was plenty of counseling. His biggest complaints were over the amount of child support the court ordered him to pay. Well, when you have 3 underage children, you kinda do have to pay

I made it clear to the kids that a relationship with their father is important to everyone involved. However, it is up to both parties to maintain that relationship. You can't tell kids "if you are not nice to Susie, that means you don't love ME." It doesn't work that way. So they gradually cut the ties and text him once in a blue moon.

For the record, I've been in a relationship too for the past few years and all my kids get along just fine with BF.

NP. The kids' reaction is actually healthy, and I would let it be. They have accurately identified whether or not their father and stepmom are interested in the kids' welfare and are investing in that relationship accordingly while not entirely cutting him off. That is actually healthy. What is not healthy is to teach kids to ignore when people are hurting them or are not taking care about them and insisting that the kids invest in that relationships disproportionately. This leads to all kinds of relationship problems later on when one partner is abusive or invests less in the relationship, and, because of the history of family of origin problems, the other partner thinks they have to tolerate that kind of bad behavior or lack of care because that is what they were given in their early life and they were actively taught they could expect no better.

I invested my time and energy heavily when my kids were young in fostering their relationship to their Dad. But, when they hit the teenage years, I slowly disengaged. I realized that by always trying to paint Dad in a good light, I was really teaching them not to trust their instincts about which people do and don't have their interests at heart. This is a really common pattern in families with abuse, alcoholism, or trauma histories. If Dad doesn't show up to visitation and gives an obviously lame excuse, I am not going to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. The kids are smart enough to see Dad for what he is and while they love him, they don't feel an allegiance to him because he has never demonstrated one to them.

Stepmom and bioDad want a form of respect and inclusion they haven't earned, and which they don't get solely thru blood and legal documents.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You ex is such a horrible, horrible, person.

Which is a shame, because perhaps the step mother would be kind enough deep down.

I suggest you don't escalate, OP. It seems your oldest has inherited some stubbornness from her father. Let them deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this as a teen, OP. Very similar scenario. My dad is now on his 6th wife, and now has no relationship with any of his children or grandchildren. These were his choices as he was given lots of opportunities and kindness by myself and my siblings. He chose the outcome of his relationship with his children. This makes my mother incredibly sad and she constantly is encouraging us to mend hearts and minds. But we can only do so much from our end.

Don’t push your DD, don’t get involved at all in fact.

Not to derail this thread, but how does any woman say to herself "the first five didn't work out, but I'm sooooo special, I'm going to be able to make this marriage work"

OP, I would just tell your daughter to always take the high road in life. If her father wants to be a douche and show up to her graduation with Suzie even though he knows not to, I think he can also suffer the consequences of not having his daughter in his life later.

Money. Look at the Trumps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your graduation have tickets or is it open to the public? I would urge your DD not to create a scene on her big day by bringing in security. She had made her feelings known to her father and hopefully the evil step mother will stay home. However, do plan a dinner out or a get together with friends and make a quick exit if necessary.

You don't say how big her graduating class is, but generrally, it's a crowded atmosphere and it can take some time to locate your kid in the sea of caps and gowns.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with "urge your DD not to create a scene on her big day". The kind of thing your DH is doing is the kind of thing many emotionally or physically abusive people do -- rely on embedded social structures to force you to treat them nicely even though their behavior is inappropriate.

Instead, I would encourage and even help your DD to see alternative responses that are not so strongly black or white. It is not a choice between "if they are there then every thing is a big fake show of happiness that I have to perform" and "I have to call the police on them". DD has delivered her message about what she wants. BioDad has said how he will behave. DD gets to choose -- call security, but also many other options. She could just let them show up and pretend that everything is OK at the moment but choose instead to speak privately with BioDad at a later date and explain why his behavior is resulting in her cutting back to an even lesser level of contact. Or if BioDad and StepMom show up, she could just ignore them. Or she could greet them and then simply excuse herself and move on to another circle of friends/family (like you do when you've met someone you really don't want to talk to at a party...).

You should also explain the concept of negative attention to your DD. Sometimes when people don't get the positive attention from someone, they stoke drama because having the negative drama means that they are still important to the other person -- important enough to get angry at. Your DD may actually have better success at deterring StepMom's continued attempts at forcing a relationship by essentially being very cool and isolating. DD has a right to be angry about this, but in terms of getting the kind of relationship she wants, it might be more effective to vent that anger elsewhere -- in therapy, with a good friend, etc. -- because venting the anger at BioDad and StepMom has the perverse effect of giving them the attention they seek and reinforcing their feeling that they, in fact, are the wronged party and so their inappropriate behavior continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say this, I've seen this kind of family drama twice at different graduations.

One time, they escorted ALL adults off campus. The second time, everyone was booted off campus, even the graduating person, but this was at a college graduation, so the person who was graduating was 21/22/23.

I really don't want that kinda drama at her graduation. She is a good kid, she studied hard, she did good in school and she deserves that day. I hope he can be a bigger man and either let her stay home or just not come at all.

Usually they are at big auditoriums so she can ignore them. You and daughter take the family pictures yourselves then leave for dinner or whatever you have planned. No need for drama, but if he brings her you can be assured next time your daughter won't invite your ex. Problem solved!!!

Yes, if your are in DMV this is usually the case. The graduate may not even see them, and it can be a nightmare to meetup afterward.

[Anonymous]

Is the graduation not ticketed? My high school graduation was ticketed and very limited. Can she just send him one ticket?

If it's open, and he comes and brings new wife, can't daughter just ignore him? He sits by himself on other side of auditorium and whatever?

Or is this about an afterparty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

She is the child.

Dad and stepmom are the grown ups.

Dad and step mom need to act like grown ups.

Dad should go. Stepmom should stay clear.

[Anonymous]

I would ask my daughter a couple of questions.

1. Will you be upset if your father doesn't come to your graduation, if his stance is "If I come, my new bitch comes"?
2. Are you okay with your father breaking off his relationship with you over this, basically picking his new wife over you, forever? Not paying for college, not visiting you there, not walking you down the aisle, not being someone you can call for job or car advice, not being a grandfather to any children you have, etc? Basically, is THIS the hill you want to die on?

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is well within her rights to invite whoever she wants to her graduation. If her dad wants to stand by his new wife or whatever then he can just choose not to attend too, but bringing the stepmother anyway is a no go. I hope your daughter does alert security and provides them with a pic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my daughter a couple of questions.

1. Will you be upset if your father doesn't come to your graduation, if his stance is "If I come, my new bitch comes"?
2. Are you okay with your father breaking off his relationship with you over this, basically picking his new wife over you, forever? Not paying for college, not visiting you there, not walking you down the aisle, not being someone you can call for job or car advice, not being a grandfather to any children you have, etc? Basically, is THIS the hill you want to die on?

Only problem is that the Mom/OP will still expect Dad to pay for everything including college. I wonder how much OP contributed to all this. Kids often want to please their parents, especially the primary parent. If Mom is unhappy with Dad and projects it, kids pick up on it and that Mom does not want them with Dad, then get difficult about seeing the other parent.