Stepparent not invited - getting acrimonious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

I have heard this many times before, along with its close cousin, "Just because he cheated doesn't make him a bad parent." In my opinion, it's complete horsesh!t. He took an action that had a significant likelihood of breaking up his family, and did just that. Of course kids are going to see that as a betrayal. It's a selfish act, and it *does* make you a shitty parent.

signed, a man who has never cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my daughter a couple of questions.

1. Will you be upset if your father doesn't come to your graduation, if his stance is "If I come, my new bitch comes"?
2. Are you okay with your father breaking off his relationship with you over this, basically picking his new wife over you, forever? Not paying for college, not visiting you there, not walking you down the aisle, not being someone you can call for job or car advice, not being a grandfather to any children you have, etc? Basically, is THIS the hill you want to die on?

Only problem is that the Mom/OP will still expect Dad to pay for everything including college. I wonder how much OP contributed to all this. Kids often want to please their parents, especially the primary parent. If Mom is unhappy with Dad and projects it, kids pick up on it and that Mom does not want them with Dad, then get difficult about seeing the other parent.

The kid is going into the military. Maybe you should’ve paid more attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH married a woman he had an affair with during our marriage. My kids do not like their stepmother, they call her "fake" and "pretentious." As a result, they've been told on and off to "either show her respect or not come in." So they chose not to interact with her and text their father whenever they want.

My Oldest DD has been very adamant she wants nothing to do with her stepmother. Ex-DH does try to "make her respect the new woman", but it's gotten bad. We had many conversations about this, she's at an age where she can make her own decisions.

Long story short: DD made it clear she does not want the stepmother at her upcoming HS graduation. Ex-DH is upset and says he will show up with her anyways. DD said that she will ask security to escort her if she shows up. I know, I have a very strong-willed child. But it's her graduation and she is within her rights to invite or dis-invite whoever she wants.

WWYD?

I would tell my kid that courtesy love (being polite) is owed, respect is earned, and love is given. When she is around step mother, she needs to be polite. That is all.

This woman is not being polite. You don’t go somewhere that you aren’t invited. I say this as a step mom. I’d tell ex husband the same thing. This is beyond rude and if he doesn’t lie the invitation arrangements, he should politely decline to attend. That’s on him if he chooses a wife over a child.

[Anonymous]

In a similar case I opted not to attend my graduation. I still graduated and skipped the drama.

[Anonymous]

You are supposed to choose your spouse over everyone else (assuming your child’s basic needs are being met).

Good for dad for modeling an appropriate relationship the second time around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are supposed to choose your spouse over everyone else (assuming your child’s basic needs are being met).

Good for dad for modeling an appropriate relationship the second time around.

No. Maybe if it were an intact first marriage where the kids are both of theirs. But definitely not, not ever, when it’s a stepnparent.

~step mom who puts the kids first.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, but it truly sounds like you are the one with the issue with their stepmother, and it has now rubbed off on your kids. While I understand the circumstances of the divorce suck, she is their stepmother and I don't really see an issue with her being at the HS graduation. By law, your ex is allowed to bring her as a guest. He is equally a parent as you (I'm sure you'd bring your BF).

[Anonymous]

Regardless of who owns fault for what in this scenario, I think it might be helpful to sit down with your daughter and talk about what outcome she's looking for here, whether it's realistic (and if not, what's the next-best option), and whether her approach is likely to get her what she wants. If what she wants is to have her father at her graduation without his wife, that's probably not realistic (not just because of the specific facts of your case, but because people usually aren't going to side against their spouse, and because the person asking someone else to choose typically loses in favor of the person making no such demands). So what's the next-best outcome, having her father there with his wife? Not having her father there at all? Letting father come with his wife but agreeing that she will see him later on and not before/after the ceremony itself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but it truly sounds like you are the one with the issue with their stepmother, and it has now rubbed off on your kids. While I understand the circumstances of the divorce suck, she is their stepmother and I don't really see an issue with her being at the HS graduation. By law, your ex is allowed to bring her as a guest. He is equally a parent as you (I'm sure you'd bring your BF).

Who gets the tickets? The daughter or the parents? Because if it’s the daughter, Dad has no right to be there unless invited. Same for step mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but it truly sounds like you are the one with the issue with their stepmother, and it has now rubbed off on your kids. While I understand the circumstances of the divorce suck, she is their stepmother and I don't really see an issue with her being at the HS graduation. By law, your ex is allowed to bring her as a guest. He is equally a parent as you (I'm sure you'd bring your BF).

+1. I’m sure she WILL bring her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

And people wonder why kids of divorce are screwed up. What was supposed to be a happy time has been turned into a drama filled nightmare due to immature adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

She is the child.

Dad and stepmom are the grown ups.

Dad and step mom need to act like grown ups.

Dad should go. Stepmom should stay clear.

+1

Dad (maybe Stepmom too) has turned Daughter's graduation into a power struggle. Inappropriate and selfish of the dad.

Just leave the floozy at home and go by yourself. You're lucky you're invited at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And people wonder why kids of divorce are screwed up. What was supposed to be a happy time has been turned into a drama filled nightmare due to immature adults.

+1000

Dad's turned his daughter's high school graduation into a referendum on the legitimacy of his 2nd marriage and how much of a man he is. Loser.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that matters here is what is best for your daughter.

Having a big drama on her graduation day is not best for her.

Severing her relationship with her dad is not best for her.

Please encourage your daughter to tolerate her father’s wife. Please try not to fuel this drama. Please try to make this all as ok for her as it can be by telling her you’re really totally fine with stepmom being there, and then fake it.

The fathers wife being “fake” does not sound like it warrants escorting her from the graduation (will security even do that anyway?). She’s not been abusive or unkind to your daughter.

Please, as someone who was once like your daughter in this situation-please try to encourage the relationship with her dad. You have more power in this situation than you know. Your daughter is suffering most of all, even if it’s not apparent.

http://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-47-the-reckoning/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my daughter a couple of questions.

1. Will you be upset if your father doesn't come to your graduation, if his stance is "If I come, my new bitch comes"?
2. Are you okay with your father breaking off his relationship with you over this, basically picking his new wife over you, forever? Not paying for college, not visiting you there, not walking you down the aisle, not being someone you can call for job or car advice, not being a grandfather to any children you have, etc? Basically, is THIS the hill you want to die on?

Only problem is that the Mom/OP will still expect Dad to pay for everything including college. I wonder how much OP contributed to all this. Kids often want to please their parents, especially the primary parent. If Mom is unhappy with Dad and projects it, kids pick up on it and that Mom does not want them with Dad, then get difficult about seeing the other parent.

The kid is going into the military. Maybe you should’ve paid more attention.

!!