Stepparent not invited - getting acrimonious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

I have heard this many times before, along with its close cousin, "Just because he cheated doesn't make him a bad parent." In my opinion, it's complete horsesh!t. He took an action that had a significant likelihood of breaking up his family, and did just that. Of course kids are going to see that as a betrayal. It's a selfish act, and it *does* make you a shitty parent.

signed, a man who has never cheated.

+1

Complete horseshit that a cheater doesn't "cheat on the kids." No, you just blew up their lives, their family; they had to move, they had to deal with your floozy AP, they have to reconfigure their views of marriage and family, etc etc. Cheaters: "NBD!"

[Anonymous]

Don't most graduations require tickets to attend? Just give him one ticket and be done with it. Then your DD won't have to deal with it. He can decide if he comes without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH married a woman he had an affair with during our marriage. My kids do not like their stepmother, they call her "fake" and "pretentious." As a result, they've been told on and off to "either show her respect or not come in." So they chose not to interact with her and text their father whenever they want.

My Oldest DD has been very adamant she wants nothing to do with her stepmother. Ex-DH does try to "make her respect the new woman", but it's gotten bad. We had many conversations about this, she's at an age where she can make her own decisions.

Long story short: DD made it clear she does not want the stepmother at her upcoming HS graduation. Ex-DH is upset and says he will show up with her anyways. DD said that she will ask security to escort her if she shows up. I know, I have a very strong-willed child. But it's her graduation and she is within her rights to invite or dis-invite whoever she wants.

WWYD?

Understanding that your DD has a right to make her own decisions... It is your job as her parent to help her understand the consequences of said decision, which will only perpetuate conflict. It is unreasonable for dad to not respect her decision, but it is also unreasonable for your DD to assume that her dad and step-mom are anything other than a unit. If step-mom is not invited, dad is not invited. It is totally appropriate for Dad to take step-mom's side in this situation.

What would I do? I would encourage her to invite her step-mom even though that will be hard for her because it is the right thing to do. I would encourage her to let go of her resentment and anger towards this woman, which are clearly present. She does not have to be BFFs with her mom, it is simply a recognition of the fact that as long as dad and step-mom are married, they are a unit and should be treated as such.

It's really hard OP, I have a step mom in my life as well and it's difficult. I don't get along with dad. It would be tempting and internally satisfying to me to see a rejection of said step-mom play out. But this is not what is best for my daughter. What is best is that she has a good relationship with her dad, which by definition includes her step-mom. She takes her cues from you, so giver her the right ones.

I'm sorry, but posts with this level of emotional maturity, thoughtfulness, and wisdom are not permitted on DCUM. This is your first and only warning. Please observe other posters and match their level of spite and bitterness or you will be banned from the site.

[Anonymous]

If this is an open, public event you need to teach her that that means he has a right to be there and so does she (the step-mother).

If this is a closed, private event but any parent is entitled to attend with the guest of his or her choice, you need to teach her that means he has a right to be there and so does she.

If this is a closed, private, ticketed event and she is alotted tickets, you can tell her that technically she has a right to offer only one ticket, but that she needs to think long and hard about what it would mean not to offer them two tickets. She needs to think 4+ years down the road when she has a significant other and wants family approval, and what that would feel like to have her choice in partner rejected by her family. Remind her that 50% of marriages fail, and that you and your ex-husband and his wife have been working to be cordial and the best co-parents you can possibly be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

My dad cheated on my mom and married the OW and had more kids.

He DID cheat on me. Sorry but when you wreck your marriage via cheating, you ARE sticking it to your kids.

He deserves all the scorn he is getting, and so does OW.

+1. My mom failed to meet the needs of the family when she failed to meet my dad’s sexual needs. She took effort, affection, attention, and marking away from the family.

She neglected me by neglecting him.

She didn’t deserve to retain the majority of assets, custody, and social sympathy, but she is selfish and took them. My dad is a good man, and didn’t want to cause his kids additional strife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

My dad cheated on my mom and married the OW and had more kids.

He DID cheat on me. Sorry but when you wreck your marriage via cheating, you ARE sticking it to your kids.

He deserves all the scorn he is getting, and so does OW.

+1. My mom failed to meet the needs of the family when she failed to meet my dad’s sexual needs. She took effort, affection, attention, and marking away from the family.

She neglected me by neglecting him.

She didn’t deserve to retain the majority of assets, custody, and social sympathy, but she is selfish and took them. My dad is a good man, and didn’t want to cause his kids additional strife.

LOLOLOLOL. Nice try but there is no way this was written by the child and not the "dad."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

My dad cheated on my mom and married the OW and had more kids.

He DID cheat on me. Sorry but when you wreck your marriage via cheating, you ARE sticking it to your kids.

He deserves all the scorn he is getting, and so does OW.

+1. My mom failed to meet the needs of the family when she failed to meet my dad’s sexual needs. She took effort, affection, attention, and marking away from the family.

She neglected me by neglecting him.

She didn’t deserve to retain the majority of assets, custody, and social sympathy, but she is selfish and took them. My dad is a good man, and didn’t want to cause his kids additional strife.

LOLOLOLOL. Nice try but there is no way this was written by the child and not the "dad."

+1

"Dad's sexual needs" and Dad stomping his foot claiming neglect like a child together in the same sentence - so freakin' gross and wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

I have heard this many times before, along with its close cousin, "Just because he cheated doesn't make him a bad parent." In my opinion, it's complete horsesh!t. He took an action that had a significant likelihood of breaking up his family, and did just that. Of course kids are going to see that as a betrayal. It's a selfish act, and it *does* make you a shitty parent.

signed, a man who has never cheated.

+1

Complete horseshit that a cheater doesn't "cheat on the kids." No, you just blew up their lives, their family; they had to move, they had to deal with your floozy AP, they have to reconfigure their views of marriage and family, etc etc. Cheaters: "NBD!"

+1
Why many kids have little to do with the cheating parent down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH married a woman he had an affair with during our marriage. My kids do not like their stepmother, they call her "fake" and "pretentious." As a result, they've been told on and off to "either show her respect or not come in." So they chose not to interact with her and text their father whenever they want.

My Oldest DD has been very adamant she wants nothing to do with her stepmother. Ex-DH does try to "make her respect the new woman", but it's gotten bad. We had many conversations about this, she's at an age where she can make her own decisions.

Long story short: DD made it clear she does not want the stepmother at her upcoming HS graduation. Ex-DH is upset and says he will show up with her anyways. DD said that she will ask security to escort her if she shows up. I know, I have a very strong-willed child. But it's her graduation and she is within her rights to invite or dis-invite whoever she wants.

WWYD?

Your daughter is an adult and needs to understand the consequences for making adult decisions. I'm sure the school has dealt with this before. Have her speak to the guidance counselor to find out exactly what her rights are and what the consequences will be if she actually tries to have them removed. There is a chance she could get in trouble herself if she "creates a disturbance". Also this could end her relationship with her father. Maybe she doesn't care, but my guess she is hasn't really thought this through other than some fantasy of security immediately escorting her humiliated step mother and contrite father away. Might not play out like that.

I mean, her dad sounds like an ass, but this is one of many grown up decisions she needs to start making, carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH married a woman he had an affair with during our marriage. My kids do not like their stepmother, they call her "fake" and "pretentious." As a result, they've been told on and off to "either show her respect or not come in." So they chose not to interact with her and text their father whenever they want.

My Oldest DD has been very adamant she wants nothing to do with her stepmother. Ex-DH does try to "make her respect the new woman", but it's gotten bad. We had many conversations about this, she's at an age where she can make her own decisions.

Long story short: DD made it clear she does not want the stepmother at her upcoming HS graduation. Ex-DH is upset and says he will show up with her anyways. DD said that she will ask security to escort her if she shows up. I know, I have a very strong-willed child. But it's her graduation and she is within her rights to invite or dis-invite whoever she wants.

WWYD?

Understanding that your DD has a right to make her own decisions... It is your job as her parent to help her understand the consequences of said decision, which will only perpetuate conflict. It is unreasonable for dad to not respect her decision, but it is also unreasonable for your DD to assume that her dad and step-mom are anything other than a unit. If step-mom is not invited, dad is not invited. It is totally appropriate for Dad to take step-mom's side in this situation.

What would I do? I would encourage her to invite her step-mom even though that will be hard for her because it is the right thing to do. I would encourage her to let go of her resentment and anger towards this woman, which are clearly present. She does not have to be BFFs with her mom, it is simply a recognition of the fact that as long as dad and step-mom are married, they are a unit and should be treated as such.

It's really hard OP, I have a step mom in my life as well and it's difficult. I don't get along with dad. It would be tempting and internally satisfying to me to see a rejection of said step-mom play out. But this is not what is best for my daughter. What is best is that she has a good relationship with her dad, which by definition includes her step-mom. She takes her cues from you, so giver her the right ones.

I'm sorry, but posts with this level of emotional maturity, thoughtfulness, and wisdom are not permitted on DCUM. This is your first and only warning. Please observe other posters and match their level of spite and bitterness or you will be banned from the site.

I agree this is a mature and thoughtful post, but I don't think it's wise, at all. The entire focus of it is avoiding conflict - that the daughter is responsible for avoiding conflict with her father. That is an insidious, counterproductive message for a young woman who is about to embark on adulthood (particularly for one in a male-dominated arena like the military).

Yes, make sure sue understands the ramifications and consequences of her actions, and make clear that a hard line stance on this will likely lead to conflict with her father, and potentially irreparable damage to that relationship. But don't burden her with the responsibility to make sure that relationship is conflict-free. There are two adults involved - each should have the same responsibility for the maintenance of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH married a woman he had an affair with during our marriage. My kids do not like their stepmother, they call her "fake" and "pretentious." As a result, they've been told on and off to "either show her respect or not come in." So they chose not to interact with her and text their father whenever they want.

My Oldest DD has been very adamant she wants nothing to do with her stepmother. Ex-DH does try to "make her respect the new woman", but it's gotten bad. We had many conversations about this, she's at an age where she can make her own decisions.

Long story short: DD made it clear she does not want the stepmother at her upcoming HS graduation. Ex-DH is upset and says he will show up with her anyways. DD said that she will ask security to escort her if she shows up. I know, I have a very strong-willed child. But it's her graduation and she is within her rights to invite or dis-invite whoever she wants.

WWYD?

Understanding that your DD has a right to make her own decisions... It is your job as her parent to help her understand the consequences of said decision, which will only perpetuate conflict. It is unreasonable for dad to not respect her decision, but it is also unreasonable for your DD to assume that her dad and step-mom are anything other than a unit. If step-mom is not invited, dad is not invited. It is totally appropriate for Dad to take step-mom's side in this situation.

What would I do? I would encourage her to invite her step-mom even though that will be hard for her because it is the right thing to do. I would encourage her to let go of her resentment and anger towards this woman, which are clearly present. She does not have to be BFFs with her mom, it is simply a recognition of the fact that as long as dad and step-mom are married, they are a unit and should be treated as such.

It's really hard OP, I have a step mom in my life as well and it's difficult. I don't get along with dad. It would be tempting and internally satisfying to me to see a rejection of said step-mom play out. But this is not what is best for my daughter. What is best is that she has a good relationship with her dad, which by definition includes her step-mom. She takes her cues from you, so giver her the right ones.

I'm sorry, but posts with this level of emotional maturity, thoughtfulness, and wisdom are not permitted on DCUM. This is your first and only warning. Please observe other posters and match their level of spite and bitterness or you will be banned from the site.

I agree this is a mature and thoughtful post, but I don't think it's wise, at all. The entire focus of it is avoiding conflict - that the daughter is responsible for avoiding conflict with her father. That is an insidious, counterproductive message for a young woman who is about to embark on adulthood (particularly for one in a male-dominated arena like the military).

Yes, make sure sue understands the ramifications and consequences of her actions, and make clear that a hard line stance on this will likely lead to conflict with her father, and potentially irreparable damage to that relationship. But don't burden her with the responsibility to make sure that relationship is conflict-free. There are two adults involved - each should have the same responsibility for the maintenance of the relationship.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is an adult and needs to understand the consequences for making adult decisions. I'm sure the school has dealt with this before. Have her speak to the guidance counselor to find out exactly what her rights are and what the consequences will be if she actually tries to have them removed. There is a chance she could get in trouble herself if she "creates a disturbance". Also this could end her relationship with her father. Maybe she doesn't care, but my guess she is hasn't really thought this through other than some fantasy of security immediately escorting her humiliated step mother and contrite father away. Might not play out like that.

LOL. An uninvited and unwanted guest who shows up at an event is a stalker. Whether security could successfully remove the stalker in time is an open question, but no graduate would "get into trouble" for asking to have the stalker removed. That is pure fantasy on your part.

As for the father, he has already ended his relationship with his daughter by choosing the step above his child. He may come to regret this choice, especially if the new marriage doesn't last.