Reply to Stepparent not invited - getting acrimonious

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - yes, there was plenty of counseling.  His biggest complaints were over the amount of child support the court ordered him to pay.  Well, when you have 3 underage children, you kinda do have to pay  :)

I made it clear to the kids that a relationship with their father is important to everyone involved.  However, it is up to both parties to maintain that relationship.  You can't tell kids "if you are not nice to Susie, that means you don't love ME."  It doesn't work that way.  So they gradually cut the ties and text him once in a blue moon.

For the record, I've been in a relationship too for the past few years and all my kids get along just fine with BF. [/quote]

NP.  The kids' reaction is actually healthy, and I would let it be.  They have accurately identified whether or not their father and stepmom are interested in the kids' welfare and are investing in that relationship accordingly while not entirely cutting him off.  That is actually healthy.  What is not healthy is to teach kids to ignore when people are hurting them or are not taking care about them and insisting that the kids invest in that relationships disproportionately.  This leads to all kinds of relationship problems later on when one partner is abusive or invests less in the relationship, and, because of the history of family of origin problems, the other partner thinks they have to tolerate that kind of bad behavior or lack of care because that is what they were given in their early life and they were actively taught they could expect no better.

I invested my time and energy heavily when my kids were young in fostering their relationship to their Dad.  But, when they hit the teenage years, I slowly disengaged.  I realized that by always trying to paint Dad in a good light, I was really teaching them not to trust their instincts about which people do and don't have their interests at heart. This is a really common pattern in families with abuse, alcoholism, or trauma histories.  If Dad doesn't show up to visitation and gives an obviously lame excuse,  I am not going to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  The kids are smart enough to see Dad for what he is and while they love him, they don't feel an allegiance to him because he has never demonstrated one to them.

Stepmom and bioDad want a form of respect and inclusion they haven't earned, and which they don't get solely thru blood and legal documents.  
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