Reply to Stepparent not invited - getting acrimonious

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does your graduation have tickets or is it open to the public? I would urge your DD not to create a scene on her big day by bringing in security. She had made her feelings known to her father and hopefully the evil step mother will stay home. However, do plan a dinner out or a get together with friends and make a quick exit if necessary.

You don't say how big her graduating class is, but generrally, it's a crowded atmosphere and it can take some time to locate your kid in the sea of caps and gowns.[/quote]

I wouldn't necessarily agree with "urge your DD not to create a scene on her big day".  The kind of thing your DH is doing is the kind of thing many emotionally or physically abusive people do -- rely on embedded social structures to force you to treat them nicely even though their behavior is inappropriate.

Instead, I would encourage and even help your DD to see alternative responses that are not so strongly black or white.  It is not a choice between "if they are there then every thing is a big fake show of happiness that I have to perform" and "I have to call the police on them".  DD has delivered her message about what she wants.  BioDad has said how he will behave.  DD gets to choose -- call security, but also many other options.  She could just let them show up and pretend that everything is OK at the moment but choose instead to speak privately with BioDad at a later date and explain why his behavior is resulting in her cutting back to an even lesser level of contact.  Or if BioDad and StepMom show up, she could just ignore them.  Or she could greet them and then simply excuse herself and move on to another circle of friends/family (like you do when you've met someone you really don't want to talk to at a party...).

You should also explain the concept of negative attention to your DD.  Sometimes when people don't get the positive attention from someone, they stoke drama because having the negative drama means that they are still important to the other person -- important enough to get angry at.  Your DD may actually have better success at deterring StepMom's continued attempts at forcing a relationship by essentially being very cool and isolating.  DD has a right to be angry about this, but in terms of getting the kind of relationship she wants, it might be more effective to vent that anger elsewhere -- in therapy, with a good friend, etc. -- because venting the anger at BioDad and StepMom has the perverse effect of giving them the attention they seek and reinforcing their feeling that they, in fact, are the wronged party and so their inappropriate behavior continues. [/quote]

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