Stepparent not invited - getting acrimonious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your graduation have tickets or is it open to the public? I would urge your DD not to create a scene on her big day by bringing in security. She had made her feelings known to her father and hopefully the evil step mother will stay home. However, do plan a dinner out or a get together with friends and make a quick exit if necessary.

You don't say how big her graduating class is, but generrally, it's a crowded atmosphere and it can take some time to locate your kid in the sea of caps and gowns.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with "urge your DD not to create a scene on her big day". The kind of thing your DH is doing is the kind of thing many emotionally or physically abusive people do -- rely on embedded social structures to force you to treat them nicely even though their behavior is inappropriate.

Instead, I would encourage and even help your DD to see alternative responses that are not so strongly black or white. It is not a choice between "if they are there then every thing is a big fake show of happiness that I have to perform" and "I have to call the police on them". DD has delivered her message about what she wants. BioDad has said how he will behave. DD gets to choose -- call security, but also many other options. She could just let them show up and pretend that everything is OK at the moment but choose instead to speak privately with BioDad at a later date and explain why his behavior is resulting in her cutting back to an even lesser level of contact. Or if BioDad and StepMom show up, she could just ignore them. Or she could greet them and then simply excuse herself and move on to another circle of friends/family (like you do when you've met someone you really don't want to talk to at a party...).

You should also explain the concept of negative attention to your DD. Sometimes when people don't get the positive attention from someone, they stoke drama because having the negative drama means that they are still important to the other person -- important enough to get angry at. Your DD may actually have better success at deterring StepMom's continued attempts at forcing a relationship by essentially being very cool and isolating. DD has a right to be angry about this, but in terms of getting the kind of relationship she wants, it might be more effective to vent that anger elsewhere -- in therapy, with a good friend, etc. -- because venting the anger at BioDad and StepMom has the perverse effect of giving them the attention they seek and reinforcing their feeling that they, in fact, are the wronged party and so their inappropriate behavior continues.

This is an extremely insightful and well thought out post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but it truly sounds like you are the one with the issue with their stepmother, and it has now rubbed off on your kids. While I understand the circumstances of the divorce suck, she is their stepmother and I don't really see an issue with her being at the HS graduation. By law, your ex is allowed to bring her as a guest. He is equally a parent as you (I'm sure you'd bring your BF).

By law? Clearly you are not an attorney. Last I checked, there are no laws about who attends high school graduation. At our HS, each student gets 5 tickets that they get to distribute to whomever. Getting extra tickets is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but it truly sounds like you are the one with the issue with their stepmother, and it has now rubbed off on your kids. While I understand the circumstances of the divorce suck, she is their stepmother and I don't really see an issue with her being at the HS graduation. By law, your ex is allowed to bring her as a guest. He is equally a parent as you (I'm sure you'd bring your BF).

Who gets the tickets? The daughter or the parents? Because if it’s the daughter, Dad has no right to be there unless invited. Same for step mom.

Yes it goes by tickets and it is strictly up to the daughter.

[Anonymous]

My responses from the perspective of a middle school teacher, and I apologize because I have not read the whole thread.

If this is the situation that you're in, and no one wants to budge, I would honestly get to school guidance counselor or someone involved with it. They should be able to help you come to a solution.

I understand that you might not feel comfortable doing that right now, but it would probably be preferable to some kind of scene at the graduation. I also do think she should be able to say that she does not want the stepmother who dad cheated on mom without the graduation. In my own personal opinion, I think that is legitimate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

I have heard this many times before, along with its close cousin, "Just because he cheated doesn't make him a bad parent." In my opinion, it's complete horsesh!t. He took an action that had a significant likelihood of breaking up his family, and did just that. Of course kids are going to see that as a betrayal. It's a selfish act, and it *does* make you a shitty parent.

signed, a man who has never cheated.

+1

signed, a woman who has never cheated or had a man cheat on her (that she knows about, at least)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

My dad cheated on my mom and married the OW and had more kids.

He DID cheat on me. Sorry but when you wreck your marriage via cheating, you ARE sticking it to your kids.

He deserves all the scorn he is getting, and so does OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

I have heard this many times before, along with its close cousin, "Just because he cheated doesn't make him a bad parent." In my opinion, it's complete horsesh!t. He took an action that had a significant likelihood of breaking up his family, and did just that. Of course kids are going to see that as a betrayal. It's a selfish act, and it *does* make you a shitty parent.

signed, a man who has never cheated.

+1

signed, a woman who has never cheated or had a man cheat on her (that she knows about, at least)

So, then why are mom's like my husband's ex given custody of the kids despite her cheating and leaving dad for the affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

My dad cheated on my mom and married the OW and had more kids.

He DID cheat on me. Sorry but when you wreck your marriage via cheating, you ARE sticking it to your kids.

He deserves all the scorn he is getting, and so does OW.

No he didn't cheat on you. He made a poor parenting choice but that is not cheating. My Dad cheated on my Mom too... he's cheated with women younger than me who are just after his money, which is sad but reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

I have heard this many times before, along with its close cousin, "Just because he cheated doesn't make him a bad parent." In my opinion, it's complete horsesh!t. He took an action that had a significant likelihood of breaking up his family, and did just that. Of course kids are going to see that as a betrayal. It's a selfish act, and it *does* make you a shitty parent.

signed, a man who has never cheated.

+1

signed, a woman who has never cheated or had a man cheat on her (that she knows about, at least)

So, then why are mom's like my husband's ex given custody of the kids despite her cheating and leaving dad for the affair partner?

Ask the judge, not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are supposed to choose your spouse over everyone else (assuming your child’s basic needs are being met).

Good for dad for modeling an appropriate relationship the second time around.

Only in intact first marriages.

Marriages to affair partners do not count as marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

My dad cheated on my mom and married the OW and had more kids.

He DID cheat on me. Sorry but when you wreck your marriage via cheating, you ARE sticking it to your kids.

He deserves all the scorn he is getting, and so does OW.

Exactly!!! The kids are robbed in all ways. Emotionally, economically, and stability are all taken away by a selfish parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my daughter a couple of questions.

1. Will you be upset if your father doesn't come to your graduation, if his stance is "If I come, my new bitch comes"?
2. Are you okay with your father breaking off his relationship with you over this, basically picking his new wife over you, forever? Not paying for college, not visiting you there, not walking you down the aisle, not being someone you can call for job or car advice, not being a grandfather to any children you have, etc? Basically, is THIS the hill you want to die on?

Only problem is that the Mom/OP will still expect Dad to pay for everything including college. I wonder how much OP contributed to all this. Kids often want to please their parents, especially the primary parent. If Mom is unhappy with Dad and projects it, kids pick up on it and that Mom does not want them with Dad, then get difficult about seeing the other parent.

NP Op said her DD is joining the military so dear old Dad isn't paying for anything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, but it truly sounds like you are the one with the issue with their stepmother, and it has now rubbed off on your kids. While I understand the circumstances of the divorce suck, she is their stepmother and I don't really see an issue with her being at the HS graduation. By law, your ex is allowed to bring her as a guest. He is equally a parent as you (I'm sure you'd bring your BF).

I"m sorry but, the kids were old enough to see what their dad did to their family. There is life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, not the right to attend a high school graduation! Are you saying that if DD tells dad not to come the law is going to get involved?

Op, I don't have the answer and I am not sure what I would tell my dd. What does she want to do? Can she ignore them at the graduation? Tell them there aren't enough tickets? Honestly, I don't know why OW wants to go when those things are boring even when you love everyone involved! Can't imagine going when kids hate me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, he's an ass and cheated on you. He didn't cheat on the kids. She can be bitter but if she wants Dad in her life, she's going to need to compromise, just a she needs to. She probably picks up on you not wanting her there and is acting to protect you.

I have heard this many times before, along with its close cousin, "Just because he cheated doesn't make him a bad parent." In my opinion, it's complete horsesh!t. He took an action that had a significant likelihood of breaking up his family, and did just that. Of course kids are going to see that as a betrayal. It's a selfish act, and it *does* make you a shitty parent.

signed, a man who has never cheated.

+1. A cheater chooses to take time, money, effort, emotions, potential memories away from their family to be with another so it is a betrayal and neglect of the entire family.

signed, a woman whose father repeatedly cheated on their mother and to this day doesn't realize that even at a young age I knew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH married a woman he had an affair with during our marriage. My kids do not like their stepmother, they call her "fake" and "pretentious." As a result, they've been told on and off to "either show her respect or not come in." So they chose not to interact with her and text their father whenever they want.

My Oldest DD has been very adamant she wants nothing to do with her stepmother. Ex-DH does try to "make her respect the new woman", but it's gotten bad. We had many conversations about this, she's at an age where she can make her own decisions.

Long story short: DD made it clear she does not want the stepmother at her upcoming HS graduation. Ex-DH is upset and says he will show up with her anyways. DD said that she will ask security to escort her if she shows up. I know, I have a very strong-willed child. But it's her graduation and she is within her rights to invite or dis-invite whoever she wants.

WWYD?

Understanding that your DD has a right to make her own decisions... It is your job as her parent to help her understand the consequences of said decision, which will only perpetuate conflict. It is unreasonable for dad to not respect her decision, but it is also unreasonable for your DD to assume that her dad and step-mom are anything other than a unit. If step-mom is not invited, dad is not invited. It is totally appropriate for Dad to take step-mom's side in this situation.

What would I do? I would encourage her to invite her step-mom even though that will be hard for her because it is the right thing to do. I would encourage her to let go of her resentment and anger towards this woman, which are clearly present. She does not have to be BFFs with her mom, it is simply a recognition of the fact that as long as dad and step-mom are married, they are a unit and should be treated as such.

It's really hard OP, I have a step mom in my life as well and it's difficult. I don't get along with dad. It would be tempting and internally satisfying to me to see a rejection of said step-mom play out. But this is not what is best for my daughter. What is best is that she has a good relationship with her dad, which by definition includes her step-mom. She takes her cues from you, so giver her the right ones.