For others in long term affairs-- do you think you'll get caught? Did you get caught? How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

Wow, I have a lot of respect for that guy who texted you and said "you tell him or I will". Now that's a decent man! Seems like most men would just as soon keep someone's affair a secret on the grounds that it's none of their business and who cares who gets hurt.

I don't know. I think that women would think twice. How many posts on here are "I know my friend Judy's husband is cheating; should I tell her?" And tons of people say no.

But men I think have a stronger sense of male loyalty. A man will tell another an his wife is cheating, but a man would probably wouldn't tell the wife of a buddy if he knows his buddy is cheating.

This is where I think men make better friends than women. I'm sure that's sexist. But the rules of friendship are clearer between men than between women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

Wow, I have a lot of respect for that guy who texted you and said "you tell him or I will". Now that's a decent man! Seems like most men would just as soon keep someone's affair a secret on the grounds that it's none of their business and who cares who gets hurt.

I don't know. I think that women would think twice. How many posts on here are "I know my friend Judy's husband is cheating; should I tell her?" And tons of people say no.

But men I think have a stronger sense of male loyalty. A man will tell another an his wife is cheating, but a man would probably wouldn't tell the wife of a buddy if he knows his buddy is cheating.

This is where I think men make better friends than women. I'm sure that's sexist. But the rules of friendship are clearer between men than between women.

I don't think that the rules of male friendship are clearer than for women. Rather, I think that it is more clear among men that infidelity by a wife is not to be tolerated. Whereas women are conditioned their whole lives to put up with a lot of crap from men, to believe that they should accept bad relationships for the sake of kids or economic security, and to put on a facade (look nice, have nice home, husband and kids, etc.). When women wonder if they should tell other women, it's a more complicated calculation.

With men it's a straight up calculation - don't be a cuck/she's a slut - and the economic dislocation is much less compared to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It just depends on whether people decide to blow up other people’s marriages or not. I’m in the ‘not’ category - you never know what is going on in someone else’s house. When the Ashley Madison list came out, I checked it just to double check my DH wasn’t on it (he wasn’t, I didn’t think he would be) but two men I knew were. For one of them, it was a mutual friend so I had my DH tip him off that he was on the list, because if I could find it, so,could his wife and he needed to decide whether to chance it or not. Neither my DH or I would ever tell the wife ourselves. For the other, he was on the list three times, and I only know the wife who is very sweet and a happy joyful person. I’m not blowing up her world, because ultimately she’s the one who pays the price. I also have a suspicion she doesn’t like sex much, so for all I know he was on there with her permission, and it might force her hand that she has to ‘do something’ if she knows her friends know. So I never told a soul.

Lots of conjecture here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always chuckle at the people who are positive no one knows.
People know they just aren't motivated to say anything, yet.

+1 I know someone who I suspect is cheating. Others suspect it as well. I'm pretty certain she doesn't think anyone has a clue. She also posts a lot of happy photos with her husband. I think she thinks he's too passive/clueless. But I think it's only a matter of time before it comes out.

She's risking a lot, too. Not just her marriage. But she thinks she is smarter than everyone else. She's a fool.

Of course she thinks she's smarter than everyone. Cheaters are narcissists.

[Anonymous]

I was in a city about 4 hours from home on vacation. Saw a friend's husband in a restaurant with a woman who wasn't his wife. Said hello as we walked by and he introduced us to his sister. We had no reason to believe otherwise, chatted for a moment and went on our way.

Next time I saw my friend, I mentioned we saw her husband and his sister out for dinner in said city. Turns out it wasn't his sister. They stayed together for a couple more years trying to work it out but ended up divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And then there’s the 6 degrees of separation thing (actually, I thinks it’s probably even less now with the social media revolution).
I travelled a lot for many years and I can’t tell you how many times I’d start chatting up the cutie next to me on a flight only to uncover that our worlds intersected at only two degrees.

And then there was the hometown girl that I ran into at party during a winter break from college. She was a bit of an ugly duckling before she moved away in high school but had blossomed by 22. She was showing plenty of interest and I was all in until, at some point during our banter, I discovered that her best friend was my LT girlfriend’s roommate!

That said, my ex DW may have suspected, but I was never caught with any of my 6 APs over a 15 year relationship.

Wow, you are a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And then there’s the 6 degrees of separation thing (actually, I thinks it’s probably even less now with the social media revolution).
I travelled a lot for many years and I can’t tell you how many times I’d start chatting up the cutie next to me on a flight only to uncover that our worlds intersected at only two degrees.

And then there was the hometown girl that I ran into at party during a winter break from college. She was a bit of an ugly duckling before she moved away in high school but had blossomed by 22. She was showing plenty of interest and I was all in until, at some point during our banter, I discovered that her best friend was my LT girlfriend’s roommate!

That said, my ex DW may have suspected, but I was never caught with any of my 6 APs over a 15 year relationship.

Wow, you are a terrible person.

It doesn’t mean she is a terrible person - she could actually be very nice. Wouldn’t it be better put that her relationship is complicated and people are complicated. I know people you would think very highly of who have had affairs. Big deal. Every relationship is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a city about 4 hours from home on vacation. Saw a friend's husband in a restaurant with a woman who wasn't his wife. Said hello as we walked by and he introduced us to his sister. We had no reason to believe otherwise, chatted for a moment and went on our way.

Next time I saw my friend, I mentioned we saw her husband and his sister out for dinner in said city. Turns out it wasn't his sister. They stayed together for a couple more years trying to work it out but ended up divorcing.

And that's why you go with "cousin". There's no way most people have met every single one of their spouse's 3rd, 4th, etc cousins. It's a distant relotion but a plausible one in case your spouse asks later about someone mentioning you visiting your cousin. Bonus, most people will hesitate a bit more before accusing someone of incest than of a simple affair so if you introduce the possibility that the person you were with is a relative you likely introduce enough doubt to avoid anyone making an accusation.

[Anonymous]

Most people in long-term affairs simply think they haven't been caught. Really they were caught long ago and the "jilted" spouse simply decided to live with it, or have their own AP.

People make the conscious choice to stay when their partner cheats on them all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people in long-term affairs simply think they haven't been caught. Really they were caught long ago and the "jilted" spouse simply decided to live with it, or have their own AP.

People make the conscious choice to stay when their partner cheats on them all the time.

My AP said long ago that if their spouse knew they were in love with someone else, the marriage would be over. I never asked if this had been explicit between them or just something my AP knows.

Anyway, getting caught would seem to be a marriage-ender for them. I found it odd that my AP would lie about the fact that we're together but, if we were caught, wouldn't deny he's in love. Not something we've discussed, though I suppose we should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And then there’s the 6 degrees of separation thing (actually, I thinks it’s probably even less now with the social media revolution).
I travelled a lot for many years and I can’t tell you how many times I’d start chatting up the cutie next to me on a flight only to uncover that our worlds intersected at only two degrees.

And then there was the hometown girl that I ran into at party during a winter break from college. She was a bit of an ugly duckling before she moved away in high school but had blossomed by 22. She was showing plenty of interest and I was all in until, at some point during our banter, I discovered that her best friend was my LT girlfriend’s roommate!

That said, my ex DW may have suspected, but I was never caught with any of my 6 APs over a 15 year relationship.

Wow, you are a terrible person.

It doesn’t mean she is a terrible person - she could actually be very nice. Wouldn’t it be better put that her relationship is complicated and people are complicated. I know people you would think very highly of who have had affairs. Big deal. Every relationship is different.

NP: No, I think terrible person is right. He might be a terrible person with wonderful qualities in other aspect of his life, but as a husband-terrible.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine was busted because of hair. His AP was blonde and his whole family was Asian, so when his wife was doing the laundry and found a hair on his boxers, that was the clue and she figured it out from there.

This is why I don't believe people who say affairs "just happen". It's a choice, and to sustain it for more than a week or so is actually a lot of effort. Not the sort of thing you do without really thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

If you have teenagers, don't even try to have an affair. An angry, suspicious teenager can find out anything and they will not quit until they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have teenagers, don't even try to have an affair. An angry, suspicious teenager can find out anything and they will not quit until they do.

If someone is cheating and is caught by their teenager, they would be relieved. No need to keep up appearances for the kids anymore. Next step, long anticipated divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And then there’s the 6 degrees of separation thing (actually, I thinks it’s probably even less now with the social media revolution).
I travelled a lot for many years and I can’t tell you how many times I’d start chatting up the cutie next to me on a flight only to uncover that our worlds intersected at only two degrees.

And then there was the hometown girl that I ran into at party during a winter break from college. She was a bit of an ugly duckling before she moved away in high school but had blossomed by 22. She was showing plenty of interest and I was all in until, at some point during our banter, I discovered that her best friend was my LT girlfriend’s roommate!

That said, my ex DW may have suspected, but I was never caught with any of my 6 APs over a 15 year relationship.

Wow, you are a terrible person.

It doesn’t mean she is a terrible person - she could actually be very nice. Wouldn’t it be better put that her relationship is complicated and people are complicated. I know people you would think very highly of who have had affairs. Big deal. Every relationship is different.

NP: No, I think terrible person is right. He might be a terrible person with wonderful qualities in other aspect of his life, but as a husband-terrible.

Husband or wife terrible might be right but horrible person no. Lots of people are great things but not great at being a spouse.