For others in long term affairs-- do you think you'll get caught? Did you get caught? How?

[Anonymous]

I always chuckle at the people who are positive no one knows.
People know they just aren't motivated to say anything, yet.

[Anonymous]

And then there’s the 6 degrees of separation thing (actually, I thinks it’s probably even less now with the social media revolution).
I travelled a lot for many years and I can’t tell you how many times I’d start chatting up the cutie next to me on a flight only to uncover that our worlds intersected at only two degrees.

And then there was the hometown girl that I ran into at party during a winter break from college. She was a bit of an ugly duckling before she moved away in high school but had blossomed by 22. She was showing plenty of interest and I was all in until, at some point during our banter, I discovered that her best friend was my LT girlfriend’s roommate!

That said, my ex DW may have suspected, but I was never caught with any of my 6 APs over a 15 year relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually started to smell my husband's affair partner. In the beginning I think he showered after and then got sloppy. One night I just caught a brief whif of nexus hairspray. My sister used it all throughout collage and the smell is very distinctive. I then caught it a few more times. If that first hunch that lead me to dig around a bit and then the world fell down. I don't think people realize how little of a clue it takes for the senses to heightened and to get caught.

Agree. Everybody has a very distinct smell, although men don't always realize it.

Or he got so used to the smell of her, that he did not notice how much it was clinging to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And then there’s the 6 degrees of separation thing (actually, I thinks it’s probably even less now with the social media revolution).
I travelled a lot for many years and I can’t tell you how many times I’d start chatting up the cutie next to me on a flight only to uncover that our worlds intersected at only two degrees.

And then there was the hometown girl that I ran into at party during a winter break from college. She was a bit of an ugly duckling before she moved away in high school but had blossomed by 22. She was showing plenty of interest and I was all in until, at some point during our banter, I discovered that her best friend was my LT girlfriend’s roommate!

That said, my ex DW may have suspected, but I was never caught with any of my 6 APs over a 15 year relationship.

This. One time a paraprofessional at my school saw my mom going to lunch with her AP in a different town. The AP was also a parent of a child at my school. She assumed my parents were already divorced and referred to him as my stepfather. I already knew about the affair and the divorce was underway, so I was not traumatized by this. But it was an important lesson to me that nothing is 100% secret. The truth has a way of coming out on its own.

[Anonymous]

I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

Wow. The odds of that happening are like 100000-to-1. Pretty crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

Wow. The odds of that happening are like 100000-to-1. Pretty crazy.

Damn! I thought that when I first read this too, PP, but not really if you think about it. As a couple you probably have MANY different friends/acquaintances. Yes there are many different cities, but in terms of business travel there are really only a few big main ones - it's not weird that multiple people who know each other would end up in the same one at a given time. Given the digital age we live on, honestly anyone who is having an affair is one step away from being found out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

Wow. The odds of that happening are like 100000-to-1. Pretty crazy.

Damn! I thought that when I first read this too, PP, but not really if you think about it. As a couple you probably have MANY different friends/acquaintances. Yes there are many different cities, but in terms of business travel there are really only a few big main ones - it's not weird that multiple people who know each other would end up in the same one at a given time. Given the digital age we live on, honestly anyone who is having an affair is one step away from being found out

I agree - just think back to how often you run into someone you know away from your "turf" especially wihh business travel It's not frequent but when it happens it feels crazy. I remember a few years ago I was staying in a small hotel in the south of France and ran into friends from home. I'm happy I was with my DH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

Wow, I have a lot of respect for that guy who texted you and said "you tell him or I will". Now that's a decent man! Seems like most men would just as soon keep someone's affair a secret on the grounds that it's none of their business and who cares who gets hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually started to smell my husband's affair partner. In the beginning I think he showered after and then got sloppy. One night I just caught a brief whif of nexus hairspray. My sister used it all throughout collage and the smell is very distinctive. I then caught it a few more times. If that first hunch that lead me to dig around a bit and then the world fell down. I don't think people realize how little of a clue it takes for the senses to heightened and to get caught.

Agree. Everybody has a very distinct smell, although men don't always realize it.

Or he got so used to the smell of her, that he did not notice how much it was clinging to him.

Shower with Ivory (wash your junk twice) and give her a bottle of DWs regular perfume.

[Anonymous]

It just depends on whether people decide to blow up other people’s marriages or not. I’m in the ‘not’ category - you never know what is going on in someone else’s house. When the Ashley Madison list came out, I checked it just to double check my DH wasn’t on it (he wasn’t, I didn’t think he would be) but two men I knew were. For one of them, it was a mutual friend so I had my DH tip him off that he was on the list, because if I could find it, so,could his wife and he needed to decide whether to chance it or not. Neither my DH or I would ever tell the wife ourselves. For the other, he was on the list three times, and I only know the wife who is very sweet and a happy joyful person. I’m not blowing up her world, because ultimately she’s the one who pays the price. I also have a suspicion she doesn’t like sex much, so for all I know he was on there with her permission, and it might force her hand that she has to ‘do something’ if she knows her friends know. So I never told a soul.

[Anonymous]

We got caught after a few years by his Wife. I think she knew for a while. I wouldn't have believed my husband was working until 2 am for months. By the time she found out I don't think he cared. He asked for a divorce a year later. We are still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People get sloppy, yes, or they make a mistake despite being careful. But I think it's more subtle than just making a dumb mistake. They form habits of touching or relating each other that are hard to conceal in public, and even if there isn't anything specific to point to, an intelligent observer can tell the difference.

Absolutely Agree..sometimes you can even see it in a group pic. Just because no one (even your SO) doesn't say anything, it doesn't mean that he/she doesn't know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got caught and it was humiliating. I was in another city with my AP/business colleague and we were hugging while coming down the elevator when it stopped on a lower floor and a friend of my husband and mine walked on and saw us. He said hello and turned his back to me. Later he sent me a text that said "you tell him or I will." I told him and we divorced within a year. I was such a fool for giving up a good life because someone was really attracted to me. Thank God there were no children involved but three years later I'm still in this emotional and relationship limbo. You don't think you will be caught but sooner or later you will be so be prepared to pay the price.

Wow. The odds of that happening are like 100000-to-1. Pretty crazy.

Damn! I thought that when I first read this too, PP, but not really if you think about it. As a couple you probably have MANY different friends/acquaintances. Yes there are many different cities, but in terms of business travel there are really only a few big main ones - it's not weird that multiple people who know each other would end up in the same one at a given time. Given the digital age we live on, honestly anyone who is having an affair is one step away from being found out

I agree - just think back to how often you run into someone you know away from your "turf" especially wihh business travel It's not frequent but when it happens it feels crazy. I remember a few years ago I was staying in a small hotel in the south of France and ran into friends from home. I'm happy I was with my DH!

Yes! We ran into neighbors of ours at a random bar in Aruba, I couldn't believe it. I think it happens more than you'd think!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always chuckle at the people who are positive no one knows.
People know they just aren't motivated to say anything, yet.

+1 I know someone who I suspect is cheating. Others suspect it as well. I'm pretty certain she doesn't think anyone has a clue. She also posts a lot of happy photos with her husband. I think she thinks he's too passive/clueless. But I think it's only a matter of time before it comes out.

She's risking a lot, too. Not just her marriage. But she thinks she is smarter than everyone else. She's a fool.