Jealous of pregnant friend
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Anonymous
| Did anyone find that with you were not bothered by some pregnancies but really, really upset about others? There are multiple pregnant women in my life right now, but only one pregnancy that really upsets me. I guess I just feel completely left behind, and it feels so unfair. |
Anonymous
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Yes. There are some women whose identities are absorbed by motherhood and the process of becoming a mother. While recognizing that maybe I'll feel the same way when (if?) my time comes, at the moment I really don't want to spend time with them. It hurts. And I find myself applying weird standards for how 'deserved' I think the pregnancy is. Is she older than me? Has she been with her partner for a long time?
I hear you about feeling left behind and the unfairness of it all. This is a suckful and lonely journey. It's so comforting to know that others feel this way. I feel like a monster when all the rage and grief rises up in response to someone else's happiness. |
Anonymous
This is such helpful feedback. I do find myself applying this same weird standard and feeling like, "why does only she get this, when I should have it too?" I also feel like I should have it first, because I am older. Obviously I can't say this, but I wish I could say to my friend- just give me distance, and I'll let you know when I can be around you again. It feels like she's going out of her way to try to see me, when I honestly don't want to be around her because it just brings up all my grief. It doesn't help that I (irrationally) feel hurt that I hadn't even known she was trying to get pregnant, and then out of the blue it became crystal clear when we were at dinner and she became super awkward around the wine list. We were also supposed to go away together in a few months, and she just awkwardly cancelled the trip with no explanation. Even then, when she knew that I knew she was pregnant, we didn't discuss it for months afterwards, which hurt (although I KNOW, it's her right to not tell me). I know logically that women wait to tell people for so many reasons, and that is completely her business. At the same time, I felt so hurt and shocked. I'm just counting the days (months) until she goes on maternity, so I don't have the constant reminder. Will it most likely be easier or harder once she has a baby? For some reason I'm extremely jealous of what's happening with her body. She just looks so damn beautiful as a pregnant woman, and of course, is constantly smiling and telling people how excited she is. I hate being in so much pain. When will it end? |
Anonymous
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19:22 pp here. I also want to send a huge hug and so much understanding your way. I actually had the same thing happen to me with a friend just before the holidays. We were out to dinner with our DHs, and she declined all drinks. I just knew, and felt tears (for myself) pricking my eyes. And a few months later, she made the announcement and followed up with; "It just happened so quickly!" She knew we were trying and knew I'd miscarried last year. She is a lovely woman, but she is blessedly ignorant. If only we were all blessedly ignorant of the pain of this topic! I don't think I'll ever feel the same again. I'll never be comfortable with pregnancy talk.
For what it's worth here are my coping mechanisms: - Forgive yourself. You have a right to feel this way. It's damned awful to never know whether you'll get pregnant. And to live in a world where women (and men to some extent) are made to feel like lesser people for not having children. - Limit the pregnancy conversation, without being outright rude. There are plenty of other interesting things to talk about, and this lucky woman has plenty of people in her life to share in her joy. - When you find yourself thinking about pregnant women and horrible feelings of unfairness, just shut it down. For your own sanity. It's not about denying your feelings (you already know how you feel!) but protecting your mental health. - I do find it easier to cope with babies than pregnant women. So I hope it will get easier for you. "This too shall pass". |
Anonymous
Yes but for me it's two of my friends whose pregnancies really bothered me but others not at all. |
Anonymous
Same, had covered for 3 pregnancies for 2 of my work friends, and no problem or had feelings. But a friend who for years claimed to be child-free and then suddenly sent a photo of U/S with fetus via text message just about made me explode. Couldn't bring myself to interact with her since then, just sent congrats by text and shower gift in the mail. |
Anonymous
Why those two friends specifically? |
Anonymous
| My pregnant friend wants to be close to me right now, but it's honestly so upsetting to be around her. How do you say to someone, "Seeing you causes me pain." |
Anonymous
| Can I ask how it feels to be on the other side? Has anyone experienced someone else feeling envious or upset by your pregnancy? |
Anonymous
Not the quoted PP, but it's random. There is no reason or elaborate logic attached to any of this. It's a feeling, not a well thought out reasonable reaction. I get bothered by some Christmas cards, but not others. The whole family plus pet - sure, great. 3 kids by themselves and nothing else on a photo card seems to have nothing to do with Christmas and instead say "look how fertile we are". I know it's stupid, and children are not pizza - if you have one more it doesn't mean one less left for me, but that's how it comes across on an emotional level. |
Anonymous
Yes, my friend who had done multiple rounds of IUI and IVF told me that she knew she was being a bad friend but its really hard for her and she promised to work on it and suspected she would feel better once my son was here. And, that's what happened, once I wasn't pregnant and just had a child, our friendship was restored. We have also been friends for 30 years, if she were a newer friend, I'm not sure we would have made it through. |
Anonymous
One close friend (we were in each others weddings) has fibroids and kept saying repeatedly how she didn't think she'd get pregnant so easily but bam, pregnant. The other one (whom I've known since I was 12) got my son shoes as a bday present a few years ago, they were the wrong size and I asked where she got them so I could get a new size and she texted "save them for the second kid  ". She didn't and doesn't know our fertility struggle but the text just came off as "getting pregnant is so easy, don't worry about". She got pregnant really quickly with her second and it just rubbed me the wrong way. As another poster said, there is no rhyme or reason, with some friends it just hits a nerve while others don't.
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Anonymous
Do you also find that we are harder on friends who struggled with infertility as well but then got pregnant? I have a friend who insinuated that it was easy for me as I got pregnant on my first try with IVF. To me, I don't think considered it "easy." I find those who just look at the calendar and light some candles and have sex to be easy. |
Anonymous
| NP. I agree with most of everything being said here. Infertility is kind of my identity at this point. I don't know who I am without it. I just finally had my baby a month ago after 6 or 7 full IVF cycles/retrievals, some FETs and 3 terrible losses. I should be over it, right? I succeeded? Well - I am still finding myself pretty bitter about friends and their pregnancies. It's really weird, but I have a feeling that there will be some underlying bitterness for a long, long time to come, if not always. |
Anonymous
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I thought I would have gotten used to it by now, but it's been 8 months of watching my radiant, pregnant friend (and coworker) and I can't bear to look at her. For some reason, that's the most upsetting part for me- seeing how beautiful and happy she looks, and wishing so badly that I could just switch places with her.
I skipped the baby shower last week, thanks to advice on this board. I didn't know that I was "allowed" to feel this way, or to protect myself from being in situations that cause me more pain. I wonder if this will ruin my friendship with this woman...it must be apparent to her that I'm avoiding her. I know this is REALLY irrational, but I still feel hurt that she didn't tell me right away, but told other people. Again, this is not a healthy thinking pattern, but I just so wish I could have her life. I know I've got to stop comparing myself to this woman, but for some reason, I just can't stop going into that horribly negative place. We are both living abroad in our respective partners' home country and working at the same place, so "in the same boat," but not really at all. |