Jealous of pregnant friend
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Anonymous
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I know it’s not right, and I’m so upset woth myself for feeling this way, but I am incredibly jealous of my pregnant friend. It’s painful for me to be around her and to look at her belly- which I want so badly.
Does anyone have any tips or words of advice on how to get through this? We work together, so I see her every day. Thought it would get easier, but it’s not. Thanks in advance. |
Anonymous
| Me too man, me too. How could we not? FWIW, I don't think it's anything to feel bad or guilty about - you can be happy for someone and still be jealous. It's not like you're wishing her ill will, right? I don't have any advice but I'm having a hard time too. I swear everyone I know waltzes in and tells me how they got pregnant their first month of casually trying |
Anonymous
| I'm allowing myself to skip baby showers from here on out and just send a gift. I feel bad that I'm bitter but at some point you have to give yourself permission to feel how you feel and not put yourself in the way of things or conversations that are going to make you feel worse. |
Anonymous
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It sucks- it’s pure envy and I hated when I felt that way and couldn’t be excited for my friends. But you got to turn that jealousy into action and perseverance and keep on with your action plan to get pregnant. One day it will be your turn to be the pregnant one.
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Anonymous
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It totally sucks. I remember when I was going through IVF and I went to a baby shower and went into the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out.
I now have a 2 year old and one on the way as well (both IVF pregnancies). I wish during that hard time I had been kinder to myself and given myself passes. Your friend will completely understand! |
Anonymous
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I found it really helpful to not view my feelings as *jealousy* per se - because I wasn't coveting someone's car or handbag. What I was really experiencing was a deep deep grief that was triggered by others' ability to do something my body was a failure at (8 consecutive losses). Also, I found it helpful to remind myself that because infertility is such a hidden journey, I had no idea whether other pregnant women struggled.
https://justonemorebaby.blogspot.com |
Anonymous
| My two closest friends got pregnant at the same time. The second couple announced it at a dinner we were all at. They women immediately started planning and discussing symptoms, etc. while I sat there silently staring at my soup. Of course the men at the table moved on and talked about whatever they do, but I have never stared at a cruton so hard trying not to cry. Let’s just say I didn’t keep it together on the way home. |
Anonymous
| i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing. |
Anonymous
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Be gentle with yourself. It's not that you wish she was NOT pregnant, it's that you really wish you WERE pregnant. Focus on that.
I had to grieve each time a close friend got pregnant. I felt so guilty that I was sad about them being so happy. But I found that really grieving and allowing all that negative energy out helped me find my happy space. I did turn down a baby shower or two in my most sensitive times. That's ok, self preservation is necessary sometimes. |
Anonymous
This happened to me too. Except it was all three of my college roommates who I am still close with. The 3rd one had told me she wasn't going to try for awhile so I'd put her in my "safe" person file in my mind. Then she told us all at a lunch together. I'd geared myself up to see the other two women pregnant but figured I'd have a drinking buddy to get tipsy with. I felt like I'd been punched in the face when the 3rd one announced. And then I felt awful that my response to her might have been really forced. I faked it so hard. But I had to excuse myself and sobbed in the bathroom. Then had to pull my shit together to go back to the table and act like nothing was wrong because I just couldn't bring myself to make her feel bad for me. It wasn't her fault! I was so so devastated. Honestly, it still makes me tear up thinking about how sad I was. And now I have two healthy children. It was a rough time though. |
Anonymous
Sorry about that. I felt the same way too when all my friends were expecting. Are you married? trying and can't have one? What's your background story? |
Anonymous
Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die. |
Anonymous
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I am a PP. Another thing that helped me was repeating this to myself:
This is not a zero sum game. There are not a limit on the number of people in any given year that can be pregnant. So my friend being pregnant does not stop me from becoming pregnant (even though sometimes it does feel like that weirdly. Like the universe only doles out so many babies at any given time). |
Anonymous
+1 Totally normal to feel that way, but realize that putting yourself in situations you know will be upsetting and then adding on the guilt for getting upset/jealous are all forms of stress. Impossible to avoid it all, but I try to balance it as much as possible. My sister in law, who lives nearby and we see often, had a baby right before TG. She struggled with fertility and I'm truly happy for her, but I'm also jealous sometimes, so I try to see them when I'm feeling good (not when I'm tired or stressed). |
Anonymous
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Had this happen. A woman at work was three weeks ahead of me when I misscsrried. I literally could not talk to her or be in the same room as her for four months. She did not know about my loss and I could not stand to be around when someone asked how she was feeling or how the nursery was coming along. I was so jealous of all her milestones and it was painful.
Be kind to yourself. The process is long and hard. Your feelings are valid. |