Jealous of pregnant friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought I would have gotten used to it by now, but it's been 8 months of watching my radiant, pregnant friend (and coworker) and I can't bear to look at her. For some reason, that's the most upsetting part for me- seeing how beautiful and happy she looks, and wishing so badly that I could just switch places with her.

I skipped the baby shower last week, thanks to advice on this board. I didn't know that I was "allowed" to feel this way, or to protect myself from being in situations that cause me more pain. I wonder if this will ruin my friendship with this woman...it must be apparent to her that I'm avoiding her.

I know this is REALLY irrational, but I still feel hurt that she didn't tell me right away, but told other people. Again, this is not a healthy thinking pattern, but I just so wish I could have her life. I know I've got to stop comparing myself to this woman, but for some reason, I just can't stop going into that horribly negative place. We are both living abroad in our respective partners' home country and working at the same place, so "in the same boat," but not really at all.

Hugs OP. I had not one, not two, but FIVE friends get pregnant and give birth in the time I was trying and undergoing fertility treatments. I dragged myself to the baby showers and met the babies once born, but overall I kept my distance. Some of the friendships did suffer, but I had to protect myself. I journaled a lot to get my darkest thoughts out of my system - it was tremendously helpful to me. Are you undergoing treatment currently?

[Anonymous]

Is it harder to be around someone if the person looks to have an 'easy" pregnancy? You know, the people who don't even look that pregnant until the end and still are able to do everything, have no symptoms or complaints, etc.? Or the people who "love" being pregnant and say they feel healthier?

[Anonymous]

OP: I was absolutely in your shoes during our almost 3 year battle to have a kid. FWIW, I actually found it much easier to contain the jealousy once the babies arrived. Some weird combination of it being clearly their kid & loving babies. Like I actually wanted to be around babies and being around babies made me want my own but not those babies? That probably doesn't make any sense, I'm just telling you because -- for me -- it (counter-intuitively) got easier once the babies were born.

[Anonymous]

OP - in your shoes times 4, it's been 3 different work friends, one already on baby #2. I just remind myself that it's not a zero sum game like a pizza - if they have a baby it doesn't mean there is one less baby in the world left for me.

Also, i excused myself from all but one of the baby showers and mailed gifts off the registry instead. I felt that it was still thoughtful to give something to a friend but was OK allowing myself to skip stupid shower games where pretty much the pregnancy gets rubbed in your face sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing.

Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die.

A few months ago I went to see my RE after two failed IVF cycles, to talk about whether it made sense to continue. The couple who saw him before me had brought their baby. For fifteen minutes I heard the baby cooing from inside his closed consultation room. Then the couple came out and sat in the waiting room with the baby on the husband’s lap. My RE called me back and by the time I got into the room, I was bawling. So incredibly sad, so incredibly jealous, so humiliated and so angry that I was put in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing.

Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die.

A few months ago I went to see my RE after two failed IVF cycles, to talk about whether it made sense to continue. The couple who saw him before me had brought their baby. For fifteen minutes I heard the baby cooing from inside his closed consultation room. Then the couple came out and sat in the waiting room with the baby on the husband’s lap. My RE called me back and by the time I got into the room, I was bawling. So incredibly sad, so incredibly jealous, so humiliated and so angry that I was put in that situation.

Put in that situation? That’s an interesting way to phrase it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how it feels to be on the other side? Has anyone experienced someone else feeling envious or upset by your pregnancy?

Yes, I have. (Before anyone jumps on me, I want to say I follow the infertility board because my very close friend has struggled for years to conceive and I want to a) understand what all the medical procedures, words, etc mean, and b) I want some additional emotional insight into infertility.)

Our friendship was strained for awhile during my early pregnancy, which was hard for me but I know it was crushingly hard for her. It's ok that she wasn't happy for me. Sure, maybe the biggest, most generous person in the world could say, "I'm happy for you but sad for me," but let's be honest -- when you want a child, it goes to the core of who you are. Seeing other people easily achieve it while you struggle is not the same as watching your naturally athletic friend make 10 free throws in a row while you struggle to do a lay-up. It's not admiring the Tesla you see in the parking space next to your Honda Fit. This is just not a situation where the "good for her" type attitude applies. And so although I was sad not to be able to tap into her amazing insight and empathy during that time, I know that my sadness over not having that was a mere fraction of the crushing sadness she felt at watching me have something she so desperately wanted. I did my best to take some steps back while she dealt with her feelings, even though it hurt, because I knew she needed that space, and I hoped that by giving it to her that I would be preserving our friendship for the future.

Anyway, long story short, our friendship did survive, and she is still trying to have a baby, and she adores my kid and is a wonderful "auntie." All of which I think demonstrate what an amazing person she is and how lucky I am to have her in my life. And I really hope that I get to experience that moment of holding her tiny baby in my arms, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing.

Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die.

A few months ago I went to see my RE after two failed IVF cycles, to talk about whether it made sense to continue. The couple who saw him before me had brought their baby. For fifteen minutes I heard the baby cooing from inside his closed consultation room. Then the couple came out and sat in the waiting room with the baby on the husband’s lap. My RE called me back and by the time I got into the room, I was bawling. So incredibly sad, so incredibly jealous, so humiliated and so angry that I was put in that situation.

Put in that situation? That’s an interesting way to phrase it...

This is why most clinics do not allow people to bring their babies or children into the clinic. The clinic should not have allowed them to stay with the child there. I agree with PP 100% that she should not have been put in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how it feels to be on the other side? Has anyone experienced someone else feeling envious or upset by your pregnancy?

I’ve been “object” of jealousy before - that’s probably why I clicked on this thread. There was a female colleague at work that was strangely unpleasant when I told her I was pregnant and seemed “off” all the way throughout. She got pregnant about a year later and another year or so after that she told me for the first time that she had had a miscarriage shortly before my pregnancy and was struggling with infertility. Of course I had no idea.
I wish she would have said something.

[Anonymous]

It's incredibly hard - now that I'm on the other side, I always feel like I need to apologize..Our pediatrician is in the same building as SGF on K street. I have three children now (Two through IVF and one final surprise miracle) - every time we walk past the door I want to scream... "LOOK AT THEM and HAVE FAITH...be strong, i know your pain...I am sending you love and hope.." but, i know most of them would probably want to punch me in the nose..It's not zero sum, but it's really hard in the moment. Be kind to yourself while you walk through this really challenging time. xo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing.

Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die.

A few months ago I went to see my RE after two failed IVF cycles, to talk about whether it made sense to continue. The couple who saw him before me had brought their baby. For fifteen minutes I heard the baby cooing from inside his closed consultation room. Then the couple came out and sat in the waiting room with the baby on the husband’s lap. My RE called me back and by the time I got into the room, I was bawling. So incredibly sad, so incredibly jealous, so humiliated and so angry that I was put in that situation.

Put in that situation? That’s an interesting way to phrase it...

This is why most clinics do not allow people to bring their babies or children into the clinic. The clinic should not have allowed them to stay with the child there. I agree with PP 100% that she should not have been put in that position.

Agree with the PP that "put in that situation" is an interesting way to phrase it. There are babies everywhere and not just at the RE's office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone find that with you were not bothered by some pregnancies but really, really upset about others? There are multiple pregnant women in my life right now, but only one pregnancy that really upsets me. I guess I just feel completely left behind, and it feels so unfair.

I get upset when I hear that someone is having a third or fourth baby. Then all of the feelings of unfairness come rushing in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing.

Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die.

A few months ago I went to see my RE after two failed IVF cycles, to talk about whether it made sense to continue. The couple who saw him before me had brought their baby. For fifteen minutes I heard the baby cooing from inside his closed consultation room. Then the couple came out and sat in the waiting room with the baby on the husband’s lap. My RE called me back and by the time I got into the room, I was bawling. So incredibly sad, so incredibly jealous, so humiliated and so angry that I was put in that situation.

Put in that situation? That’s an interesting way to phrase it...

This is why most clinics do not allow people to bring their babies or children into the clinic. The clinic should not have allowed them to stay with the child there. I agree with PP 100% that she should not have been put in that position.

Agree with the PP that "put in that situation" is an interesting way to phrase it. There are babies everywhere and not just at the RE's office.

This is true. I actually felt inspired when I saw babies at the RE office because it was validation that these procedures work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing.

Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die.

A few months ago I went to see my RE after two failed IVF cycles, to talk about whether it made sense to continue. The couple who saw him before me had brought their baby. For fifteen minutes I heard the baby cooing from inside his closed consultation room. Then the couple came out and sat in the waiting room with the baby on the husband’s lap. My RE called me back and by the time I got into the room, I was bawling. So incredibly sad, so incredibly jealous, so humiliated and so angry that I was put in that situation.

Put in that situation? That’s an interesting way to phrase it...

This is why most clinics do not allow people to bring their babies or children into the clinic. The clinic should not have allowed them to stay with the child there. I agree with PP 100% that she should not have been put in that position.

Agree with the PP that "put in that situation" is an interesting way to phrase it. There are babies everywhere and not just at the RE's office.

This is true. I actually felt inspired when I saw babies at the RE office because it was validation that these procedures work!

Well, thanks for your perspective but I wasn’t feeling inspired as I awaited the final discussion about how I was never going to be the one holding a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm sorry - its so normal. i was at the fertility clinic after my IVF miscarriage and this couple was at the check out talking loudly about their twin sonograms (strollers and other stupid stuff). Obviously they were excited but I couldn't believe that a couple who had gone through a fertility treatment to get pregnant would be so - i don't know - insensitive to the other people there.... anyway.. the point is, its so easy to feel invisible when the world seems to be getting everything you want. and i think its easy for pregnant people to be mindless (mostly unintentionally) of the struggles other folks are facing.

Wow, I go to SGF and I feel like it's always SO quiet in there. Even if you get good news, you walk out quietly until you're in your car. I remember after my first miscarriage, I was sitting in the waiting room of my regular OB (before we realized we had fertility issues etc) and there were so many pregnant women, I thought I was going to die.

A few months ago I went to see my RE after two failed IVF cycles, to talk about whether it made sense to continue. The couple who saw him before me had brought their baby. For fifteen minutes I heard the baby cooing from inside his closed consultation room. Then the couple came out and sat in the waiting room with the baby on the husband’s lap. My RE called me back and by the time I got into the room, I was bawling. So incredibly sad, so incredibly jealous, so humiliated and so angry that I was put in that situation.

Put in that situation? That’s an interesting way to phrase it...

This is why most clinics do not allow people to bring their babies or children into the clinic. The clinic should not have allowed them to stay with the child there. I agree with PP 100% that she should not have been put in that position.

Agree with the PP that "put in that situation" is an interesting way to phrase it. There are babies everywhere and not just at the RE's office.

This is true. I actually felt inspired when I saw babies at the RE office because it was validation that these procedures work!

Me too. I can remember sitting in Dr. Sacks' office at CFA and looking at all the Christmas cards from families w/ pictures of their babies and thinking "OK, this can work. Just because it hasn't happen yet, doesn't mean it won't."