Jealous of pregnant friend

[Anonymous]

this is very common OP. Chances are you aren’t the only jealous one. There is something about pregnancy that triggers a deep deep sense of jealousy. I have been on both sides. Stay strong!!

[Anonymous]

I think this is pretty normal. My best friend and I found out we were pregnant within a couple days of each other and I subsequently miscarried. I don't feel jealous exactly; I'm really happy for her, though I do wish I were going through the same things. I was so excited at the idea of us having our babies at the same time.

But I actually have a much harder time being around pregnant people I am not close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had this happen. A woman at work was three weeks ahead of me when I misscsrried. I literally could not talk to her or be in the same room as her for four months. She did not know about my loss and I could not stand to be around when someone asked how she was feeling or how the nursery was coming along. I was so jealous of all her milestones and it was painful.

Be kind to yourself. The process is long and hard. Your feelings are valid.

I had that experience too (miscarriage and pregnant co-worker)and it was gut wrenching.

[Anonymous]

I remember crying in the office bathroom when I was a couple of weeks past a failed ivf cycle, and all the women were in the cafeteria for another co-worker's baby shower. It was a rough time. Hugs, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two closest friends got pregnant at the same time. The second couple announced it at a dinner we were all at. They women immediately started planning and discussing symptoms, etc. while I sat there silently staring at my soup. Of course the men at the table moved on and talked about whatever they do, but I have never stared at a cruton so hard trying not to cry. Let’s just say I didn’t keep it together on the way home.

I want to give you the biggest hug ever. I hope you have either found success or peace since that dinner.

[Anonymous]

Been there many times. Had to see a therapist to manage my anger over it all. About 2.5 years ago a college friend texted me an ultrasound pic just two days after my wife had her third consecutive loss. A few months after that my little brother announced his wife was pregnant with their second after only one month of trying. I was so, so angry and pretty much had a panic attack after I stepped away. It sucks and it’s not fair. I had to learn to grieve and process in the healthiest way possible, and it wasn’t until then that my wife got pregnant. I am holding our rainbow baby right now. Much luck to all of you on this brutal journey.

[Anonymous]

Been there too, it's a normal feeling. It took us years to get pregnant, but my cousin got pregnant the same month she got married. Then my SIL announced her pregnancy the next month, followed by a string of several friends. But when my 39-year-old hairdresser told me she was pregnant accidentally from a random fling, I felt personally betrayed by the universe.

[Anonymous]

Add me to the list. It's so hard, so so hard. My SIL who was told they'd have to do IVF b/c there's no way they would get pregnant again got pregnant and told me four days after I found out I had a CP. Over xmas I hear my cousin's wife is also expecting so my SIL is talking about how they can be pregnancy buddies again, and then mentions how our other cousin will find out the sex at 2pm (SIL keeps checking her phone for announcements). SIL also knows we've been doing IVF for almost two years and it was just so painful to sit there. I should have said something at the time but I was afraid of coming off as shrill or a total bitch or just sounding ridiculous. We have a baby shower coming up for another friend at the end of the month and I am thinking about skipping it.

All this to say that what you are feeling is so completely normal. As others have said, be kind to yourself. It's a shitty club to be in and you don't know what it's like until you're in it. I'm so sorry. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Just felt the need to post a quick point of clarification- I recognize how completely unfair it is for me to resent my friend, as none of the factors of my own situation are in any way her fault. She deserves to be happy and glowing in her pregnancy. It's just painful as hell for me to watch, and then I'm disgusted with myself for not being able to feel happy for her like a normal person would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Just felt the need to post a quick point of clarification- I recognize how completely unfair it is for me to resent my friend, as none of the factors of my own situation are in any way her fault. She deserves to be happy and glowing in her pregnancy. It's just painful as hell for me to watch, and then I'm disgusted with myself for not being able to feel happy for her like a normal person would.

PP here. You do not have to explain yourself, especially on this board. I was downright bitter at many of the women who fell pregnant during the time my DW was going through countless IVF cycles and subsequent miscarriages. I wrote a very raw email to the friend who sent me an ultrasound picture just two days after my wife's D&C explaining why I wasn't enthusiastic in my response to her news and only offered a brief "congrats." Nearly a year later I reached out to her and acknowledged that while my email probably made her really uncomfortable, I was only speaking my truth. She then acknowledged that there are times in our lives where it is just not possible to be there for someone, and that time for us was then.

I unfriended folks who got pregnant easily with second, third, or fourth children. I stayed away from co-workers who were pregnant. I didn't attend baby showers. I allowed myself to feel those feelings. Do not feel disgusted that you can't feel happy for her - you are entitled to your grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had this happen. A woman at work was three weeks ahead of me when I misscsrried. I literally could not talk to her or be in the same room as her for four months. She did not know about my loss and I could not stand to be around when someone asked how she was feeling or how the nursery was coming along. I was so jealous of all her milestones and it was painful.

Be kind to yourself. The process is long and hard. Your feelings are valid.

I had that experience too (miscarriage and pregnant co-worker)and it was gut wrenching.

This happened to me too. Literally hours from when I found out my beta was dropping and I would miscarry my co-worker told me she was 6w. I had to muster up a smile since she was so obviously excited to tell me and then I ran to the bathroom to try and pull myself together. I was happy for her but so overwhelmingly sad for myself. That was seriously one of the worse days ever.

[Anonymous]

I was TTC for years while literally 8 people that I worked closely with got pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Just another poster here to say that what you are feeling is totally normal. For the 6+ years of our journey I eventually stopped going to baby showers and really lost touch with a lot of our friends who had kids. I was amazed how some people kind of pushed us out because we didn't have kids, and how others unexpectedly took care of us in a special way...

Your friend will understand if you have to have some distance, and if she doesn't, she's not a friend. Either way, you have to do what is best for you. I tried to think of it as using my mom-to-be protective behavior for myself, even though I wasn't a mom in reality yet.

Not sure if any of that helps. I really like what all the PPs have said. Preach, sisters. Love to you all.

[Anonymous]

I have been there- took 5 crappy years to get my DD. All my friends conceived so easily - like the first month of trying. Infertility is the worse. Keep your eye on the prize OP.

[Anonymous]

Also it is ok to be rational and irrational. I know that my coworker (I was the pp who left the room every time she came in) did not “steal” my opportunity to be pregnant. I knew that every single woman at the park who had two under two and was pregnant again did not deserve it more or less than me. I was not mad AT my friend who got pregnant on the first month of trying while I had enough naps and charts and timing to invade North Korea (not really but it felt like a military operation to temp, chart, and determine the best timing) and was seeing a specialist and it still wasn’t enough. I could be rational in those feelings but still felt the universe wronged me.

We waited until we had enough money and a house and stable jobs and that seemed to be right but then it was wrong because we could not get pregnant and I felt like I should have been 24 and had three kids and avoided all of this. And it is ok to feel irrational and angry and mad at the universe.


The feelings never totally go away but they do change over time (at least for me). I wish you the best as you go through this part of your journey and know you are very much normal and justified in your feelings.