When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

OK, let's stop here. You really want to be a doormat with this.

[Anonymous]

These posts are making me sad. It's so abusive. Does your spouse not notice? Do you have SILs that you can commiserate with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

Whats wrong with parents wanting a picturing with their own kids? They were a nuclear family originally and why spouses etc should be included in some pics, I see nothing wrong with leaving them out of others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

Whats wrong with parents wanting a picturing with their own kids? They were a nuclear family originally and why spouses etc should be included in some pics, I see nothing wrong with leaving them out of others

They gained a DIL. She is part of their family now. It's abusive to leave an inlaw off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

Whats wrong with parents wanting a picturing with their own kids? They were a nuclear family originally and why spouses etc should be included in some pics, I see nothing wrong with leaving them out of others

They gained a DIL. She is part of their family now. It's abusive to leave an inlaw off.

Thats absurd - I have no problem if my ILs want a picture of them and their 3 sons without me. People take pictures of all sorts of configurations (mothers and daughters without dad, siblings and spouses without parents) there is nothing wrong with having a configuration of the group that was the original "family" within that family.

[Anonymous]

Come on now, it's not "abusive" to leave an in-law out of a photo. Rude, sure, but that cheapens the meaning of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

Whats wrong with parents wanting a picturing with their own kids? They were a nuclear family originally and why spouses etc should be included in some pics, I see nothing wrong with leaving them out of others

They gained a DIL. She is part of their family now. It's abusive to leave an inlaw off.

Thats absurd - I have no problem if my ILs want a picture of them and their 3 sons without me. People take pictures of all sorts of configurations (mothers and daughters without dad, siblings and spouses without parents) there is nothing wrong with having a configuration of the group that was the original "family" within that family.

+1. I always offer to take a photo or two of DH's family plus our kids - there are plenty with me in them but I'm sure they want a few of just their kids and grandkids. It doesn't bother me a bit and I'm not sure why it would? Do they otherwise treat you unkindly and the photo feels like an extra way for them to exclude you?

[Anonymous]

When you have kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

Are you a bad cook? We don't lt my SIL host because she's a terrible cook as in some of us got diarrhea off her food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw? I've been here 11 years and I feel like an outsider still. Everyone is kind and distant. I hate how every trip and every holiday is just awkward, lonely and boring.

Does this ever end?

I would prefer this to the target on my back from my in-laws.

Dang! These are our options?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

Whats wrong with parents wanting a picturing with their own kids? They were a nuclear family originally and why spouses etc should be included in some pics, I see nothing wrong with leaving them out of others

Not entirely odd unless they want the grandkids in too- because they didn't spontaneously push them out of their belly buttons without the "non blood" relatives.

I try to make my MIL get a pic with just her boys at every holiday even though she has a good relationship with SIL and I- its sweet.

[Anonymous]

This thread is reminding me that I need to get pot gummies from my best friend in order to tolerate my inlaw trip over thanksgiving! They're all fine individually, but I can't handle the dysfunction when they're all together!

[Anonymous]

I have been married 12 years and my MIL sucks. Upon meeting her first granddaughter the first thing she said is, "I don't change diapers." Not once has she held our kids so we could have a chance to eat. She never asked me once in 12 years how my dad is doing ( mom deceased 17years). She will demand we all sit around the kitchen table while they re-tell the same 4 stories about BIL. Not a single question is ever directed at me. She said in front of me to my spouse that our dd looks a lot better in person than in any pics. She has also said that my younger ds looks nothing like her son only our dd looks like him. WTF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

Whats wrong with parents wanting a picturing with their own kids? They were a nuclear family originally and why spouses etc should be included in some pics, I see nothing wrong with leaving them out of others

It’s fine, but if that’s how they feel about the DIL they should also have the decency to not ask for a photo with her children.