When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw?

[Anonymous]

In my next life I just don't want to be an inlaw. It's the worst part of being an adult.

[Anonymous]

I stopped feeling like an outsider before DH and I got married. His parents totally embraced me as one of their children.

[Anonymous]

It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

Oh, eff that. Seriously. If you and DH want a holiday in your own home, you can absolutely do that. If they won't come, their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

Oh, eff that. Seriously. If you and DH want a holiday in your own home, you can absolutely do that. If they won't come, their loss.

NP here - I've hosted and for events typically my MIL shows up late, brings and apron with her and announces loudly "I'm here to help" and she tries very hard to take over! I used to try to be the bigger person and just let her, but can't deal with broken dishes and water stains all over the place from her 'hard work' so... we offer to host a bit less, and sit back in my spot as the awkward outsider girlfriend (who's been with the son for a decade and bore two grandchildren). It's a bummer but apparently pretty common!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

Oh, eff that. Seriously. If you and DH want a holiday in your own home, you can absolutely do that. If they won't come, their loss.

Seriously? That doesn't work with most families. What would you do, just start some competing Thanksgiving dinner while the rest of the family goes to your MILs? Are you trying to divide extended family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously depends on the family. My ILs, including my SIL, definitely lets the spouses know that we aren't "in the circle." When we visit, a morning run to get coffee at Starbucks won't include me unless I am the one who goes to get it! Petty stuff all the way to the serious stuff. I've just come to accept it and feel like it's their loss anyway. My parents are very warm towards DH (and even his siblings). Different families.

That is seriously totally effed up. I'd take DH's each and every time. In front of everyone. Or we'd both leave to get coffee for all the inlaws.

Honestly, that is so rude I wouldn't stay with them anymore. I'm angry for you!

[Anonymous]

After reading all the posts I now know I wasn’t the only one who has been experiencing the crappy treatment from IL’s.
But my patience came to an end when FIL when he started criticizing my profession in my child’s and husband presence. I verbally put him where he belongs and he stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously depends on the family. My ILs, including my SIL, definitely lets the spouses know that we aren't "in the circle." When we visit, a morning run to get coffee at Starbucks won't include me unless I am the one who goes to get it! Petty stuff all the way to the serious stuff. I've just come to accept it and feel like it's their loss anyway. My parents are very warm towards DH (and even his siblings). Different families.

That is seriously totally effed up. I'd take DH's each and every time. In front of everyone. Or we'd both leave to get coffee for all the inlaws.

Honestly, that is so rude I wouldn't stay with them anymore. I'm angry for you!

DH and I end up sharing a cup when this happens. In the past several visits, I've just asked to borrow the car and do the Starbucks run for everyone - gives me an excuse to step away for 20 minutes. It's not a big deal but at the same time, it's hurtful at the beginning. One time we flew to see them for Mothers Day. We got MIL flowers and a gift. MIL got a gift for my SIL (DH's sister) and then looked at me to ask what my mother got me. I was really angered b/c she knew I didn't get to spend it with my mother. I had flown to visit her and give her attention. Ugh. It's painful just to type this. Sorry, OP!

[Anonymous]

You should not strive to stop feeling like an outsider

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously depends on the family. My ILs, including my SIL, definitely lets the spouses know that we aren't "in the circle." When we visit, a morning run to get coffee at Starbucks won't include me unless I am the one who goes to get it! Petty stuff all the way to the serious stuff. I've just come to accept it and feel like it's their loss anyway. My parents are very warm towards DH (and even his siblings). Different families.

That is seriously totally effed up. I'd take DH's each and every time. In front of everyone. Or we'd both leave to get coffee for all the inlaws.

Honestly, that is so rude I wouldn't stay with them anymore. I'm angry for you!

DH and I end up sharing a cup when this happens. In the past several visits, I've just asked to borrow the car and do the Starbucks run for everyone - gives me an excuse to step away for 20 minutes. It's not a big deal but at the same time, it's hurtful at the beginning. One time we flew to see them for Mothers Day. We got MIL flowers and a gift. MIL got a gift for my SIL (DH's sister) and then looked at me to ask what my mother got me. I was really angered b/c she knew I didn't get to spend it with my mother. I had flown to visit her and give her attention. Ugh. It's painful just to type this. Sorry, OP!

OP here. The previous posts weren't mine, but good to know I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

Yep been there too. I will never forget that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

Oh, eff that. Seriously. If you and DH want a holiday in your own home, you can absolutely do that. If they won't come, their loss.

Seriously? That doesn't work with most families. What would you do, just start some competing Thanksgiving dinner while the rest of the family goes to your MILs? Are you trying to divide extended family?

It depends on the size of the gathering. But, if this is a situation that involves travel, give the In-Laws enough heads up to say you’re planning to stay at your own home for Thanksgiving, and invite them to come out.