When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw?

[Anonymous]

Never. In-laws suck. Avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

Whats wrong with parents wanting a picturing with their own kids? They were a nuclear family originally and why spouses etc should be included in some pics, I see nothing wrong with leaving them out of others

It’s fine, but if that’s how they feel about the DIL they should also have the decency to not ask for a photo with her children.

I don't see anything wrong with wanting just a photo of grandparents or grandchildren or just one side of the family excluding spouses. Now if they never include you in any photos you have a problem, but not being in every single picture is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years and my MIL sucks. Upon meeting her first granddaughter the first thing she said is, "I don't change diapers." Not once has she held our kids so we could have a chance to eat. She never asked me once in 12 years how my dad is doing ( mom deceased 17years). She will demand we all sit around the kitchen table while they re-tell the same 4 stories about BIL. Not a single question is ever directed at me. She said in front of me to my spouse that our dd looks a lot better in person than in any pics. She has also said that my younger ds looks nothing like her son only our dd looks like him. WTF.

Yup I've got one of these except all of our children miraculously
Look like her or her side of the family!! I just look at her like she's from another planet when she goes on about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is reminding me that I need to get pot gummies from my best friend in order to tolerate my inlaw trip over thanksgiving! They're all fine individually, but I can't handle the dysfunction when they're all together!

Lol where can I get some of these pot gummies as I need them for the exact reasons you do!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

That’s like every photo in my ILs homes: just them, their sons and their grandchildren.
Meanwhile my parents put up our family of four and my brothers family of four.

I swear, if an outsider visited the ILs house they’d assume the adult sons were widowed or divorced...

You just described my il's home. All of the collage photos just have my il's kids and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s better to not get too comfortable. My ex husband’s family was quick to remind me that I wasn’t one of them. My former SIL was once so nasty to me out of the blue that her husband came to defense and all the blood relatives piled on the two of us. I’m happily remarried, but I regard my in-laws with affectionate caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years and my MIL sucks. Upon meeting her first granddaughter the first thing she said is, "I don't change diapers." Not once has she held our kids so we could have a chance to eat. She never asked me once in 12 years how my dad is doing ( mom deceased 17years). She will demand we all sit around the kitchen table while they re-tell the same 4 stories about BIL. Not a single question is ever directed at me. She said in front of me to my spouse that our dd looks a lot better in person than in any pics. She has also said that my younger ds looks nothing like her son only our dd looks like him. WTF.

Your MIL is not obliged to change her granddaughter's diapers. Why would you expect her to? You chose to have children, she didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like it. Everyone is kind, we talk very comfortably together, but they considerately don't drag me into their family fights. Best of both worlds.

Same here. Don't really care either that I'm not "fitting in".

[Anonymous]

I think never, depending on the family.

There are times when there are hints of closeness, usually surrounding something like a death in the family when I step up to help with some of the big things because I can handle some details and decision making because I'm not as emotional (as an outsider). But even when there are moments of closeness, I'm always an outsider. I think that's just their family...I see it with all the spouses. I don't think it has to be that way in every family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took about ten years, honestly. Things weren't great at the start, and there were bumps along the way. It took awhile to understand and get used to each other.

Hosting holidays at our house has helped, btw. Hard to feel like an outsider when you're the one in charge in your own home.

OP here. It's been 11 years already. I'm not allowed to host.

Grow a pair and issue invites NOW for Easter or next Thanksgiving or whatever. If they decline, oh well. If you don't like their tune, stop dancing to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years and my MIL sucks. Upon meeting her first granddaughter the first thing she said is, "I don't change diapers." Not once has she held our kids so we could have a chance to eat. She never asked me once in 12 years how my dad is doing ( mom deceased 17years). She will demand we all sit around the kitchen table while they re-tell the same 4 stories about BIL. Not a single question is ever directed at me. She said in front of me to my spouse that our dd looks a lot better in person than in any pics. She has also said that my younger ds looks nothing like her son only our dd looks like him. WTF.

Your MIL is not obliged to change her granddaughter's diapers. Why would you expect her to? You chose to have children, she didn't.

It's not that I expected her to change diapers. I didn't expect that to be the first words out if her mouth upon first meeting her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years and my MIL sucks. Upon meeting her first granddaughter the first thing she said is, "I don't change diapers." Not once has she held our kids so we could have a chance to eat. She never asked me once in 12 years how my dad is doing ( mom deceased 17years). She will demand we all sit around the kitchen table while they re-tell the same 4 stories about BIL. Not a single question is ever directed at me. She said in front of me to my spouse that our dd looks a lot better in person than in any pics. She has also said that my younger ds looks nothing like her son only our dd looks like him. WTF.

Your MIL is not obliged to change her granddaughter's diapers. Why would you expect her to? You chose to have children, she didn't.

It's not that I expected her to change diapers. I didn't expect that to be the first words out if her mouth upon first meeting her grandchild.

Well, at least she's frank and sets boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The distance has gotten worse with grandkids. I think they don't agree with a lot of our parenting choices. I feel really bland and boring when I'm at their house, whereas at home I have friends and am animated and fun. I'm just not interesting to them, so I don't even try anymore.

I’m assuming you’re a grownup and realize that your relationship between friends (fun) and family are likely to be different, right?

OP here. No. My family is a ton of fun. Always loud games going on, activities planned and we stay up all night talking. Both sides of my parent's family is like this.

Inlaws joke with each other and include their kids in stuff, just not inlaws. There's just always a wall there.

Sounds like a nightmare to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years and my MIL sucks. Upon meeting her first granddaughter the first thing she said is, "I don't change diapers." Not once has she held our kids so we could have a chance to eat. She never asked me once in 12 years how my dad is doing ( mom deceased 17years). She will demand we all sit around the kitchen table while they re-tell the same 4 stories about BIL. Not a single question is ever directed at me. She said in front of me to my spouse that our dd looks a lot better in person than in any pics. She has also said that my younger ds looks nothing like her son only our dd looks like him. WTF.

Your MIL is not obliged to change her granddaughter's diapers. Why would you expect her to? You chose to have children, she didn't.

It's not that I expected her to change diapers. I didn't expect that to be the first words out if her mouth upon first meeting her grandchild.

Well, at least she's frank and sets boundaries.

DP. She's a frank bitch with boundaries. Got it. No grandkids for her, because she didn't choose to have them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years and my MIL sucks. Upon meeting her first granddaughter the first thing she said is, "I don't change diapers." Not once has she held our kids so we could have a chance to eat. She never asked me once in 12 years how my dad is doing ( mom deceased 17years). She will demand we all sit around the kitchen table while they re-tell the same 4 stories about BIL. Not a single question is ever directed at me. She said in front of me to my spouse that our dd looks a lot better in person than in any pics. She has also said that my younger ds looks nothing like her son only our dd looks like him. WTF.

Your MIL is not obliged to change her granddaughter's diapers. Why would you expect her to? You chose to have children, she didn't.

It's not that I expected her to change diapers. I didn't expect that to be the first words out if her mouth upon first meeting her grandchild.

PP, why do you visit at all? Tell them to go f*ck themselves. Set your boundaries!