When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously depends on the family. My ILs, including my SIL, definitely lets the spouses know that we aren't "in the circle." When we visit, a morning run to get coffee at Starbucks won't include me unless I am the one who goes to get it! Petty stuff all the way to the serious stuff. I've just come to accept it and feel like it's their loss anyway. My parents are very warm towards DH (and even his siblings). Different families.

That is seriously totally effed up. I'd take DH's each and every time. In front of everyone. Or we'd both leave to get coffee for all the inlaws.

Honestly, that is so rude I wouldn't stay with them anymore. I'm angry for you!

I can top this- how about when staying at your in-laws, your MIL makes breakfast for your kids and her son but nothing for you. And to top it all off- you are pregnant ?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on now, it's not "abusive" to leave an in-law out of a photo. Rude, sure, but that cheapens the meaning of abuse.

When my husband's father died, I was not allowed to ride in the limo to the cemetery since that was for family only. The funeral was out of town and we had not rented
a car. (We flew in to the airport). I suggested that I could either -- wait at the church and have someone swing by and pick me up when the funeral was over, or
call a taxi. I asked if they would mind booking me a taxi, and at that point, my DH stepped in and insisted that I ride in the limo.

I'm sorry, but if that isn't abusive, what is?

Mildly abusive would be your husband going in the limo without you.

Abusive would be your MIL telling lies about you to your children.

It's not abusive for someone who didn't choose to marry you to not treat you kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL calls me DH’s “girlfriend” and refers to our children as “her kids”

We have been married for 17 years.

This is rich and creamy. 17 years!

[Anonymous]

I’ve known my local ILs for 30 years.

It’s shocking and insulting how little they know about me. They are both highly self involved and equal opportunity disinterested in most everyone.

I could map their family trees, finish their oft-told stories and can recall details about them but something as simple as remembering my sibling’s name leaves them befuddled. Forget asking me a thing about my family of origin, my job…

[Anonymous]

Married for 26 years.. and still treated as an outsider. This will not end. I tried really hard for about 20 years. Just gave up and stepped back. I don’t expect their behaviors to change. We have consciously decided to see them less often so that helps. But I am sorry OP, I feel it won’t change much for you either.

[Anonymous]

Have been with dh for 25 years and I do not feel close. My in-laws still can't spell my name, are generally cold, and it's like this awkward polite yet frosty dance that could snap at any moment. I've seen it happen between mil and her own mil and it was awful. I feel much closer to my ds's girlfriend of six months than I have ever felt to my mil!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

My ILs do this too and we've been married 24 years (and others 28 and 27 years). Makes me crazy, and I told my spouse we would never do this to our kids spouses - never

[Anonymous]

I am an outsider who actively doesn’t want to be like them or one of them.

[Anonymous]

For me it got better when I had kids. Now 12 years in it isn't nearly as bad as when I was the newbie in my early 20s and DH's siblings and inlaws were all 30+ with young kids.

[Anonymous]

We were at the 25 year mark of marriage when FIL refused to leave a message for DH with me because “she’s not family”. The message was simply that their visit would be delayed a day. What was so top secret about that?! At that point I realized I would always be the outsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were at the 25 year mark of marriage when FIL refused to leave a message for DH with me because “she’s not family”. The message was simply that their visit would be delayed a day. What was so top secret about that?! At that point I realized I would always be the outsider.

While I'm not close to my MIL either (FIL passed before I met DH), mostly because of her behavior during our wedding planning at which point I decided to drop the rope for good already, if they say you're not family, what do they think you are? A stranger? A colleague? A friend? It befuddles me how some MILs and FILs don't understand that access to grandkids goes through DILs. It's like shooting yourself in the foot or prying your own eye out.

[Anonymous]

As a future mother in law, I read this thread and realize I don't stand a chance, the responders pick on every detail as an excuse to hate, I guess the proper response is to keep a distance and try not to aggravate. Thank heavens I have a daughter too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 8 years, together another 4...still sort of feel that way. And MIL even stayed with us for 5 weeks after DD was born!

In some sense, though, I don't mind it. Everyone is kind and ILs are great with our kids. I think there's a limit to what I have in common with my ILs besides DH. And I feel like whenever we see them, they are so starved for conversation and interaction with DH that's where their focus is. They ask politely about what's happening in my life, but I do feel a bit like MIL doesn't agree with all my choices as a wife and parent which also makes me wary of deeper conversations with her.

I've been becoming a little closer to SIL recently, which is nice. I'm not sure we would ever be friends if not for DH (we are so different I'm not even sure if we would ever meet except for DH), but I'm glad to know her.

This is the magic of family, PP. My blood sister and I are so different. We were just discussing over the holidays that if we weren’t sisters, we wouldn’t be friends, or even like each other. But she is my absolute rock in this life and I can’t imagine life without her.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws treated me like the daughter they never had from day one. It’s not dependent on any specific timeline, but on the personalities involved.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws treated me like the daughter they never had from day one. It’s not dependent on any specific timeline, but on the personalities involved.