When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an outsider who actively doesn’t want to be like them or one of them.

This x 19373628

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously depends on the family. My ILs, including my SIL, definitely lets the spouses know that we aren't "in the circle." When we visit, a morning run to get coffee at Starbucks won't include me unless I am the one who goes to get it! Petty stuff all the way to the serious stuff. I've just come to accept it and feel like it's their loss anyway. My parents are very warm towards DH (and even his siblings). Different families.

That is seriously totally effed up. I'd take DH's each and every time. In front of everyone. Or we'd both leave to get coffee for all the inlaws.

Honestly, that is so rude I wouldn't stay with them anymore. I'm angry for you!

I can top this- how about when staying at your in-laws, your MIL makes breakfast for your kids and her son but nothing for you. And to top it all off- you are pregnant ?!

Yikes!

[Anonymous]

My in-laws treated me like one of them for many years. It wasn’t till we started saying no to doing everything exactly their way that I saw just how much of an outsider they considered me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

Oh, my aunt tried to do that once with a cousin photo and her daughter in law (the wife of my oldest cousin, who had been married for 5+ years by then) started to step away. I interrupted with, "Wait, we need Jane [not her real name]" and Jane's smile when she rejoined the picture was so worth it. It set a precedent that spouses are family. My husband was the next spouse among my cousins and has never once been left out of a family photo. I've never had patience for that narrow-mindedness among family.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the family. My parents have always been very nuclear-family-focused. My husband and my brother's wife will never quite be family to them. But my in-laws have embraced me basically since day one like a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

Oh, my aunt tried to do that once with a cousin photo and her daughter in law (the wife of my oldest cousin, who had been married for 5+ years by then) started to step away. I interrupted with, "Wait, we need Jane [not her real name]" and Jane's smile when she rejoined the picture was so worth it. It set a precedent that spouses are family. My husband was the next spouse among my cousins and has never once been left out of a family photo. I've never had patience for that narrow-mindedness among family.

Have there been any divorces in the family? It kind of sucks when there are and all the awesome cousin pictures can’t be out anymore because an ex is in the picture and the new spouse thinks it’s offensive to have the ex up in the house. You really can’t win.

[Anonymous]

It's a Pic of all the cousins and spouses at the time of the photo. If there's a divorce, the spouse is gone, bit the photo from that time remains. Would you feel the same about a spouse who passed away? Prob not, so let this go and welcome all family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a future mother in law, I read this thread and realize I don't stand a chance, the responders pick on every detail as an excuse to hate, I guess the proper response is to keep a distance and try not to aggravate. Thank heavens I have a daughter too.

Sometimes you can’t do anything right no matter how hard you try. However, when I married, my IL’s weren’t great. I promised myself if ever in that position I would do my best to not be demanding, don’t impose, don’t offer unsolicited advice and to help out when it’s appropriate. Surprise! We have 2 married sons and their wives are completely different. I try to value each woman as the one my son chose. If I mess up I apologize and generally we get along well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The distance has gotten worse with grandkids. I think they don't agree with a lot of our parenting choices. I feel really bland and boring when I'm at their house, whereas at home I have friends and am animated and fun. I'm just not interesting to them, so I don't even try anymore.

I think this is normal! I have a million friends and I don’t think my in laws have ever asked me a single question about myself! I just look at it as family for the kids and enjoy the distance. I bring books and my kindle on family trips and focus on building the relationship between my children and their grandparents and aunts and uncles. Since lowering my expectations to basically zero I am in a much better place with them! I suggest it!