When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw?

[Anonymous]

When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw? I've been here 11 years and I feel like an outsider still. Everyone is kind and distant. I hate how every trip and every holiday is just awkward, lonely and boring.

Does this ever end?

[Anonymous]

I like it. Everyone is kind, we talk very comfortably together, but they considerately don't drag me into their family fights. Best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

My in laws still do that thing during holiday photo time where the children’s spouses have to step out of the frame for some of the pictures, so that it is just the grandparents’ blood relatives (never mind that grandma and grandpa aren’t actually blood relatives). All spouses have been married for at least 15 years.

So I don’t get too comfortable- I know what lies beneath.

[Anonymous]

I think I'm the aloof one with my in-laws. We all get along, but of course I am never going to be as comfortable with them as I am with my own family. For example, I would never snap or yell at them. It's better this way. We've been together for 15 years, since we were 19, so I know them quite well and like them.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? I've found that having kids helps this feeling. My inlaws aren't bad people, but they didn't really do a lot of make me feel welcome. It wasn't intentionally mean, but it was made clear to me that they often forgot I had my own family.

Since having kids, that's gotten better. Maybe I have less time to mull over little slights, or perhaps I'm just busier chasing my two little kids around. It also might help that they all really really adore and love my children, so that goes a long way towards smoothing out some of the bumps along the way.

Still not perfect, but I definitely don't feel lonely during holidays. We also host more now that we have napping toddlers.

[Anonymous]

For me, it was once another inlaw came into the family and I wasn't the "newest."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you stop feeling like an outsider as an inlaw? I've been here 11 years and I feel like an outsider still. Everyone is kind and distant. I hate how every trip and every holiday is just awkward, lonely and boring.

Does this ever end?

I would prefer this to the target on my back from my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? I've found that having kids helps this feeling. My inlaws aren't bad people, but they didn't really do a lot of make me feel welcome. It wasn't intentionally mean, but it was made clear to me that they often forgot I had my own family.

Since having kids, that's gotten better. Maybe I have less time to mull over little slights, or perhaps I'm just busier chasing my two little kids around. It also might help that they all really really adore and love my children, so that goes a long way towards smoothing out some of the bumps along the way.

Still not perfect, but I definitely don't feel lonely during holidays. We also host more now that we have napping toddlers.

I agree with this. Prior to having kids my in laws were cordial, but never really put forth any effort to get to know me or include me. Since having kids it has gotten better, still a bit superficial, but better.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The distance has gotten worse with grandkids. I think they don't agree with a lot of our parenting choices. I feel really bland and boring when I'm at their house, whereas at home I have friends and am animated and fun. I'm just not interesting to them, so I don't even try anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The distance has gotten worse with grandkids. I think they don't agree with a lot of our parenting choices. I feel really bland and boring when I'm at their house, whereas at home I have friends and am animated and fun. I'm just not interesting to them, so I don't even try anymore.

I’m assuming you’re a grownup and realize that your relationship between friends (fun) and family are likely to be different, right?

[Anonymous]

Married 8 years, together another 4...still sort of feel that way. And MIL even stayed with us for 5 weeks after DD was born!

In some sense, though, I don't mind it. Everyone is kind and ILs are great with our kids. I think there's a limit to what I have in common with my ILs besides DH. And I feel like whenever we see them, they are so starved for conversation and interaction with DH that's where their focus is. They ask politely about what's happening in my life, but I do feel a bit like MIL doesn't agree with all my choices as a wife and parent which also makes me wary of deeper conversations with her.

I've been becoming a little closer to SIL recently, which is nice. I'm not sure we would ever be friends if not for DH (we are so different I'm not even sure if we would ever meet except for DH), but I'm glad to know her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The distance has gotten worse with grandkids. I think they don't agree with a lot of our parenting choices. I feel really bland and boring when I'm at their house, whereas at home I have friends and am animated and fun. I'm just not interesting to them, so I don't even try anymore.

I’m assuming you’re a grownup and realize that your relationship between friends (fun) and family are likely to be different, right?

OP here. No. My family is a ton of fun. Always loud games going on, activities planned and we stay up all night talking. Both sides of my parent's family is like this.

Inlaws joke with each other and include their kids in stuff, just not inlaws. There's just always a wall there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The distance has gotten worse with grandkids. I think they don't agree with a lot of our parenting choices. I feel really bland and boring when I'm at their house, whereas at home I have friends and am animated and fun. I'm just not interesting to them, so I don't even try anymore.

I’m assuming you’re a grownup and realize that your relationship between friends (fun) and family are likely to be different, right?

Oh shut up

[Anonymous]

I think if you weren't tight and if they were standoffish from the beginning it's not like they will change their weird ways. I agree that having kids (ie being the vessel for their grandchildren) and not being the last one to marry in helps.

[Anonymous]

Obviously depends on the family. My ILs, including my SIL, definitely lets the spouses know that we aren't "in the circle." When we visit, a morning run to get coffee at Starbucks won't include me unless I am the one who goes to get it! Petty stuff all the way to the serious stuff. I've just come to accept it and feel like it's their loss anyway. My parents are very warm towards DH (and even his siblings). Different families.