My wife wants to stop working...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, some people just aren't good at being SAHPs, even if they really want to be. On the other hand, some of the things you named are, IMO, pretty reasonable, depending on your finances: I'm a SAHM and we still have a weekly cleaner and a part-time sitter so I can run errands and have some "me" time (my kids are young, but still). I also get lots of groceries delivered, though I still do a lot of shopping (why do we "need" things from like six stores?!?).

But, the stuff that should DEFINITELY be on her plate if she SAH is all the, well STUFF. The mental load, as you put it. The stuff for the kids. I'm a big believer that being a SAHP doesn't mean you have to be a maid, but it DOES mean you TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, and that means you manage all of their activities, school stuff, paperwork, you plan fun outings for the family, etc. It also means that any of the stuff you pay for (weekly cleaner, sitter) should be managed entirely by her.

I think if it's what she wants it's totally reasonable to try. You have to give her time to succeed. I think it's really a shame that people "try" to SAH for like 6 months and then "quit". People think it should come naturally. Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc. Doing it well takes real work, organizational skills, time management, etc. If she wants to do it she should read mommy blogs for tips, talk to a SAHM friend who seems like she knows what she's doing, etc. She shouldn't just assume that she either "has it" or "doesn't".

Not the op. I agree in theory but the op stepped up when needed and now if his wife will transition to sah and he ramps back up she still gets a breaking period while he's doing both more work and all the other stuff? At which point can he let go of some of those responsibilities and expect them to be taken care of and not fall through the cracks and the kids still getting the same amount of care. If he tells her to sign them up for summer camp and it needs to be done between January and February, and then she doesn't do it? Is it on her because she didn't do it, or on him because he didn't double check and do it himself anyway? An example obviously. The biggest benefit to a sah parent is taking care of all of those things so the working parent doesn't have to worry about the functioning of the house. Not maid stuff but the day to day paper and scheduling and planning ahead. I think op should take the time to write down all of those items that need to be attended to (not dinner and laundry but kids schedules, holidays, camp, trips, dr appointments) and clearly show what the expectations are. That he will not worry about those specific things being attended to in a timely manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

[Anonymous]

Don't do it OP. I did this with my DH, he was miserable at work, I was killing myself at work and home and not getting help from him because he had no energy left after his draining day; I said he could try staying home, he said he wanted to try, but now he is home, doesn't like that either, doesn't like doing house work, complains I don't help out in the morning (because I'm getting ready for work) and we just lost a ton of income.
I'm still the default parent, you will be too. And it will make you even more resentful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

They do! I'm not Mormon but when I started SAH I really wish I had those classes. I mean, they have like a gazillion kids and they believe they're building a kingdom for eternity or something, so it's pretty important. Also, every Mormon I've known has had the happiest family life ever, so they're doing something right. They have like structured family time and have family music time and all sorts of cool traditions.

But seriously, did you see that article in WaPo about how Home Ec should come back, and should be for boys and girls? I totally agree. Everyone should take classes in childcare, parenting, home management, cooking, personal finance and budget making, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

They do! I'm not Mormon but when I started SAH I really wish I had those classes. I mean, they have like a gazillion kids and they believe they're building a kingdom for eternity or something, so it's pretty important. Also, every Mormon I've known has had the happiest family life ever, so they're doing something right. They have like structured family time and have family music time and all sorts of cool traditions.

But seriously, did you see that article in WaPo about how Home Ec should come back, and should be for boys and girls? I totally agree. Everyone should take classes in childcare, parenting, home management, cooking, personal finance and budget making, etc.

I'm all for home ec in MS/HS, but college? No. That's for serious study in your field. Sometimes I do think childcare classes should be required for all new parents, but in college? That's just too weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. I did this with my DH, he was miserable at work, I was killing myself at work and home and not getting help from him because he had no energy left after his draining day; I said he could try staying home, he said he wanted to try, but now he is home, doesn't like that either, doesn't like doing house work, complains I don't help out in the morning (because I'm getting ready for work) and we just lost a ton of income.
I'm still the default parent, you will be too. And it will make you even more resentful

Yep.. unless the sahp is willing to do most of the home stuff willingly, not begrudgingly, I don't recommend letting that person sah. When my DH wasn't working for a few months, he got a taste of being a sahd and didn't like it. I wanted one of us to be a sahp to make it easier on the family and was willing to let him do it, but he didn't like it and wasn't good at it. Not that I'm great at it, but pay more attention to things than he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its very different being a SAHM in the summer vs. school year. During the school year with older kids she gets a break, during the summer its 24/7. Its very hard when your spouse doesn't travel to all of the sudden travel for weeks at a time. I would offer to ramp down to part-time if you are against it. Personally, I think you should support her and find a higher paying job. That's what my husband did but he wanted me to SAH.

Why? He's already doing most of the parenting and his wife has made it clear that she will expect him to continue to do that even if she no longer works. He doesn't need to kill himself doing everything so that his wife can stay at home while the kids are in school.

OP here. This is the rub, honestly. If she stops working or even goes part-time, I don't think the mental load is going away for me. Last summer, I was the one who researched camps, did sign ups in January (since the camps the kids wanted fill up quickly). I basically set the summer up to run on auto-pilot and I still had 10 plus calls or texts a day asking me to handle things. And other things just were ignored or not handled like dry cleaning. Since she didn't work, it never occurred to her to run the dry cleaning for me since I'm still working and had an extremely tight schedule. I'd ask, but like people say, it's the stuff you don't see that needs reminding that's exhausting.

Anyways, for the dry cleaning, I ended up just making sure it was handled during the weekend last summer. I did this for both of us (still do) now.

It's just an example, but it's the sort of thing that fell through the cracks.

This in a nutshell is the "mental load" or "default parent" that causes me to have huge resentment towards my husband. You, OP, are the rarity. Although there are husbands out there who do more than their fair share, it's much more common to find this defaulting to the mom.

I think your wife is being terribly unfair, just like I would say to most moms who complain about what you've posted.

Both my spouse and I work. I make more than him by a considerable amount, I handle the lion's share of logistics even when he's handling stuff (e.g, pick up (I still have to lay everything out and remind him to make sure our youngest has a rain coat, etc.). He's a good dad and does more than a lot of working husbands; however, he would never notice things like you mentioned about your wife not picking up dry cleaning. It's exhausting and never ending.

I don't have any answers for you, OP. Just my commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

Agree--she sounds...limited, either in energy or in insight. OP, does she have a therapist and/or a psychiatrist? Do you guys have a marriage counselor? (How are you tolerating this without them?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

OP here. Yes, my wife has been treated for depression. She's in therapy weekly. We don't do couples counseling because beyond the proposed change, I'm fine with how things are. I would view myself as content I've made a peace with my choices. In a way, I don't know if my wife has yet. There's always greener grass when she talks about things over the years irrespective of what side of the yard she was sitting on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

OP here. Yes, my wife has been treated for depression. She's in therapy weekly. We don't do couples counseling because beyond the proposed change, I'm fine with how things are. I would view myself as content I've made a peace with my choices. In a way, I don't know if my wife has yet. There's always greener grass when she talks about things over the years irrespective of what side of the yard she was sitting on.

I'm sure she is talking about those things because she is hoping that by making this change or that one, she will start feeling better. It's probably hard for her, too, knowing that she's placed so many of the responsibilities of family life on you while she is (I am going to assume) just trying to stay afloat. I don't know that there is a solution to this; just, acceptance that she will probably try in various ways to feel better and it might or might not work.

Does it help if you say to her: Hon, you seem to be going through a rough spell. Let's not upend our lives, let's try to make smaller changes here and there and see if we can get through it?

[Anonymous]

^ PP again - it sounds to me like she is engaging in some magical-type thinking. That if she can stay home, and you can earn more $$, that then everything will be great. I don't know if that is accurate - or, if it is, if she can control or handicap for that at all.

For me anyway it helps to remember that things are mostly good and small changes here and there can make a big difference - and also, that the bad spells pass. They suck, and they pass.

[Anonymous]

Tell her what you just wrote here but in a nice, less aggressive way.

Tell her you don't feel like it's fair. Be honest. She's your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+ 1

I agree. I would probably feel the same way in his shoes.