My wife wants to stop working...

[Anonymous]

OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest at least a few sessions of couples counseling, just so you get all of this on the table, and both of you are required to make some definitive statements. I'm guessing that what's she's presenting to you as a kind of "wish" may have gone much further in her own mind and in counseling. Or, perhaps it's pure fantasy. A therapist can set the stage for honesty.

Otherwise, I see a not-too-distant future where she comes home full of excitement because she quit, and she has so many plans ... and six months from now she's complaining and depressed, and doing no more than she was doing before, but simultaneously haranguing you to get a better-paying job.

Have the difficult conversation before that happens and you are truly stuck. I think it will be easier in the therapist's office, especially if you think she's going to accuse you of not understanding, not being sympathetic, etc..

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like you are both fighting over who can woh less. I wonder if your wife would agree that you are the default parent. Sonce dcum Williams never get rhe whole truth, seems like counseling is in order. Maybe you should both get new jobs and find a way to divide parenting duties that leaves neither feeling the other has the easier job.

[Anonymous]

Also, aren’t you both essentially home all summer every ueae? Not crazy that your wife thinks that is a good time for you to up your game at work.

[Anonymous]

see her decision to SAH and her request for you to step up as separate issues.

She can decide to SAH I suppose if you both can swing it financially. She can't ask you to step up at work because it's not fair to you, and she has proven herself incompetent to do all domestic activities like a SAH must do.

If you decide to SAH, you have to take over most domestic. If she isn't capable or willing, she can't ask, and you can't accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

OP here. Yes, my wife has been treated for depression. She's in therapy weekly. We don't do couples counseling because beyond the proposed change, I'm fine with how things are. I would view myself as content I've made a peace with my choices. In a way, I don't know if my wife has yet. There's always greener grass when she talks about things over the years irrespective of what side of the yard she was sitting on.

This. I was trying to figure out if you really wanted to kick your career back in high gear and wished your wife could handle taking on more as a SAHM or was it more that you have made peace with the situation and although your career may not be where it could be, you have a bond with your children that you may not have had otherwise and don’t want to lose that. If it’s the latter, I see the conversation starting there and letting your wife know that the high powered career where you don’t see your kids isn’t what you want. You want the balalnce and the flexibility. The high powered lots of travel job may have been how you guys started out and you had to adapt to the situation but this is what you want now. if she genuinely believes her SAH and you kicking up your career is doing you a favor it’s important she realizes that it isn’t. If she is trying to use it as a way to not have to face taking action to improve her situation it’s important to take that off the table.

The next thing is to explore why she wants to SAH. Does she feel she let you down earlier and wants to make it up? Does she feel like she isn’t as close to the kids? Is she unhappy at her job and if so what can she do to change things? Is there a different position, like I think a PP mentioned being a reading specialist that may have more flexible hours? Does she maybe want to have more authority/autonomy at work but is afraid of going for it? Is there a job elsewhere using her background that may be a better fit for what she wants? Could it be related to depression and if so what does her therapist say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

OMG where are these classes? I would sign up for this. I'm serious.
-Atheist Jewish SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm all for home ec in MS/HS, but college? No. That's for serious study in your field. Sometimes I do think childcare classes should be required for all new parents, but in college? That's just too weird.

I had to take two semesters of phys Ed at Cornell. Do other schools not have stuff like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

OP here. Yes, my wife has been treated for depression. She's in therapy weekly. We don't do couples counseling because beyond the proposed change, I'm fine with how things are. I would view myself as content I've made a peace with my choices. In a way, I don't know if my wife has yet. There's always greener grass when she talks about things over the years irrespective of what side of the yard she was sitting on.

This. I was trying to figure out if you really wanted to kick your career back in high gear and wished your wife could handle taking on more as a SAHM or was it more that you have made peace with the situation and although your career may not be where it could be, you have a bond with your children that you may not have had otherwise and don’t want to lose that. If it’s the latter, I see the conversation starting there and letting your wife know that the high powered career where you don’t see your kids isn’t what you want. You want the balalnce and the flexibility. The high powered lots of travel job may have been how you guys started out and you had to adapt to the situation but this is what you want now. if she genuinely believes her SAH and you kicking up your career is doing you a favor it’s important she realizes that it isn’t. If she is trying to use it as a way to not have to face taking action to improve her situation it’s important to take that off the table.

The next thing is to explore why she wants to SAH. Does she feel she let you down earlier and wants to make it up? Does she feel like she isn’t as close to the kids? Is she unhappy at her job and if so what can she do to change things? Is there a different position, like I think a PP mentioned being a reading specialist that may have more flexible hours? Does she maybe want to have more authority/autonomy at work but is afraid of going for it? Is there a job elsewhere using her background that may be a better fit for what she wants? Could it be related to depression and if so what does her therapist say?

She wants to stay at home now because the hard part is over and she wants to reap the reward of a garden she didn't sow.

I SAH with ES kids but I have been home since day 1, paid my dues and I'm 100% the default parent. DH manages the online bill paying and the lawn mowing (we could hire this out but he claims he "likes" it.) I handle literally everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of at my wit's ends. We have two kids and when the kids were small, my wife decided to be a SAHM. It was a complete shit-show. She basically unraveled, ended up with PPD with our second.

I massively changed career tracks (where I was making more money but less available to making less and now the default parent. It came at a cost, namely, career progression. My job pays decently well and is stable, but I'm probably never getting to the senior levels of an organization because I don't travel much since traveling basically requires us to hire a sitter or have family to come down to handle drop offs in the morning.

My wife went back to work at a job that's stable (not terribly time-intensive, but rigid in terms of hours and taking off), but she views as boring and unfulfilling. And we sort of chugged along until now with our kids in early elementary school.

It's started coming up slowly when my wife would realize that I had time to volunteer and could work remotely when the kids are sick or handle teacher work days, etc. I have a lot of time with the kids, sure. But she's basically in the door at 4 until bedtime, so it's not like she's missing much beyond daytime things. But I do have flexibility which has allowed me to be more involved during the day.

Lately, my wife has started floating the idea that I try to move up more aggressively and she stay home (since we're past the hard years...I couldn't handle the baby and toddler drama..." her words, not mine). I'm not sure if this is possible and I'm resentful that she basically wants to pop in now, when it's easy, and for me to turn back into a working machine.

We did a dry run last summer (my wife's in education and has summers off). I took a challenging project that required me to travel 2-3 days a week for six weeks. And it didn't work. I still did everything as the default parent, things were dropped, my wife was resentful that she's stuck dealing with everything, cleaning, endless laundry, kid fighting (note -- this is all normal stuff I handle on the daily). We ended up hiring a weekly cleaner, my wife hired a part-time sitter so she could run errands (something I have strangely managed to do since they were toddlers).

The topic came up again and I'm trying to find a way to basically say this is a bad idea, I don't think you'll really like, I don't think it's the best for our family, and I really think this whole thing is a way to dodge the idea that you're unhappy at work, probably need a change, and don't know what to do.

I know I can't say that, but any thoughts?

Sorry dude you married a lazy loser. Should divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

OMG where are these classes? I would sign up for this. I'm serious.
-Atheist Jewish SAHM.

I don't see anything wrong with home ec classes; I'm sure both sexes could benefit.

- female rocket scientist

[Anonymous]

Just say no to her OP. No you can't stay home. Tell her you can't ramp up because of all the crap you do at home and if she quits your family could no longer afford x,y,z.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice beyond the good advice you are getting but I did just want to say you sound like such a nice, competent, thoughtful dad and husband. Good luck navigating this and I hope it works out well for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

OP here. Yes, my wife has been treated for depression. She's in therapy weekly. We don't do couples counseling because beyond the proposed change, I'm fine with how things are. I would view myself as content I've made a peace with my choices. In a way, I don't know if my wife has yet. There's always greener grass when she talks about things over the years irrespective of what side of the yard she was sitting on.

Is she fine with the way things are in your marriage? Does she want couples counseling?

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I wish you were my DH. You sound very nice and thoughtful.

-A default parent WOHM who is burning the candle at both ends and the candle is just about out of wax