My wife wants to stop working...

[Anonymous]

I am sort of at my wit's ends. We have two kids and when the kids were small, my wife decided to be a SAHM. It was a complete shit-show. She basically unraveled, ended up with PPD with our second.

I massively changed career tracks (where I was making more money but less available to making less and now the default parent. It came at a cost, namely, career progression. My job pays decently well and is stable, but I'm probably never getting to the senior levels of an organization because I don't travel much since traveling basically requires us to hire a sitter or have family to come down to handle drop offs in the morning.

My wife went back to work at a job that's stable (not terribly time-intensive, but rigid in terms of hours and taking off), but she views as boring and unfulfilling. And we sort of chugged along until now with our kids in early elementary school.

It's started coming up slowly when my wife would realize that I had time to volunteer and could work remotely when the kids are sick or handle teacher work days, etc. I have a lot of time with the kids, sure. But she's basically in the door at 4 until bedtime, so it's not like she's missing much beyond daytime things. But I do have flexibility which has allowed me to be more involved during the day.

Lately, my wife has started floating the idea that I try to move up more aggressively and she stay home (since we're past the hard years...I couldn't handle the baby and toddler drama..." her words, not mine). I'm not sure if this is possible and I'm resentful that she basically wants to pop in now, when it's easy, and for me to turn back into a working machine.

We did a dry run last summer (my wife's in education and has summers off). I took a challenging project that required me to travel 2-3 days a week for six weeks. And it didn't work. I still did everything as the default parent, things were dropped, my wife was resentful that she's stuck dealing with everything, cleaning, endless laundry, kid fighting (note -- this is all normal stuff I handle on the daily). We ended up hiring a weekly cleaner, my wife hired a part-time sitter so she could run errands (something I have strangely managed to do since they were toddlers).

The topic came up again and I'm trying to find a way to basically say this is a bad idea, I don't think you'll really like, I don't think it's the best for our family, and I really think this whole thing is a way to dodge the idea that you're unhappy at work, probably need a change, and don't know what to do.

I know I can't say that, but any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think you should ask her why she thinks the family (including her) needs a full time stay at home parent. Are the kids not getting their needs met? Is she unhappy at work? Does she feel burned out? Once you identify the underlying problem, then you two can work on the solution that works best for everyone.

You guys also might want to get a few sessions in with a marriage counselor. You both seem locked into seeing things only from your perspective, and that appears to be leading to a lot of resentment, on both sides.

[Anonymous]

I think you can pretty much say that.

Hey hon, we tried that this summer and younwere miserable. Maybe it's just the jobnyou are in and you want to find something you are more passionate about.

[Anonymous]

Unlike most posts here, you sound very reasonable and have thought this through. I think you tell her what you have written here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can pretty much say that.

Hey hon, we tried that this summer and younwere miserable. Maybe it's just the jobnyou are in and you want to find something you are more passionate about.

Yep, this. She is unhappy with the situation, and instead of changing HER situation, she is pushing you to make a change. you need to push back and point this out to her - delicately - and much along the lines of your example from last summer.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can pretty much say that.

Hey hon, we tried that this summer and younwere miserable. Maybe it's just the jobnyou are in and you want to find something you are more passionate about.

+1. Say it in a nicer way. But I think you can move pretty fast into counseling at this point since you already resent her and are at the end of your rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you can pretty much say that.

Hey hon, we tried that this summer and younwere miserable. Maybe it's just the jobnyou are in and you want to find something you are more passionate about.

Yep, this. She is unhappy with the situation, and instead of changing HER situation, she is pushing you to make a change. you need to push back and point this out to her - delicately - and much along the lines of your example from last summer.

Good luck!

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unlike most posts here, you sound very reasonable and have thought this through. I think you tell her what you have written here.

I also agree you tell her. The best thing to do is be brutally, 100% honest. Nothing good will come of dancing around it, ignoring it, or keeping your feelings to yourself.

[Anonymous]

At this point, I would suggest an intermediary. Find someone trained and have both you and your wife go and work through this problem. FWIW, I have been a sah for the past 14 years and we have always had an every other week house cleaner and a lawn mower. Things just work better that way for all of us.
The solution may be that your DW looks for a job in her current setting that is more flexible,- eg a resource teacher or at the headquarters - one that may be twelve months, but allows for the flexibility of doing things at your children’s school.

[Anonymous]

Glad you aren't my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can pretty much say that.

Hey hon, we tried that this summer and younwere miserable. Maybe it's just the jobnyou are in and you want to find something you are more passionate about.

+1 I do agree that being a sahm with a baby and toddler is super hard, and I didn't want to do it (also didn't want to kill my career). Now they are older ES (and career wise btdt), and I did decide to sahm, but I do 95% of all housechores, childcare, and some of the yard work, too. I have the flexibility to volunteer; I'm the default parent 99% of the time, and DH never has to think about snow days, half days, etc... and work flexibility. This works for us.

Grown ups need to make hard choices and realize that for most of us, we can't have our cake and eat it, too. Tell her to find a different job that gives her flexibility. And it doesn't sound like she'd be content being a sahm even with older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

Didn't take long for the lazy "SAHM" to find this thread. Don't you have "housework" to be doing? Or did yoga class get out early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

[Anonymous]

This is tough. She might be jealous of your relationship with the kids, and think she could get closer to them by sah. are they closer to you? Are there other ways she could do things with the kids that might help them bond (join a mom and kid cooking class together, for example?). Are there things you could outsource so she could spend more of her free time with the kids (cleaning, meals, etc.). She may need a more structured setting (like a class) to help her bond with the kids.

I would also list all of the expectations that a stay at home parent would need to accomplish, broken down by daily, weekly, and monthly tasks: i.e. Daily: laundry, grocery shopping, cooking breakfast and dinner; making lunches; cleaning dishes; trash removal, homework supervision weekly: vacuum, launder linens, scrub bathrooms; lawn work monthly: baseboards, wall cleaning, appliance maintenance...etc etc. be as specific as possible and clarify how unromantic it is. Explain that you would not be able to help out with any of this as you would be dealing with heavy income responsibility/rebuilding your career and you would not be able to afford to hire help/eat out. Explain she would likely need to get the kids up in the mornings and to bed at night on her own. Layout the specific financial sacrifices that would need to be made: no vacation, deferred retirement, downsizing house, etc, etc. then I would try living like that for a bit to the extent possible. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 I don't get that comment ("Glad you aren't my husband"), and I HATE whiny men who complain about their wives. This guy seems perfectly reasonable and like a good partner to me.