My wife wants to stop working...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

OP here. Yes, my wife has been treated for depression. She's in therapy weekly. We don't do couples counseling because beyond the proposed change, I'm fine with how things are. I would view myself as content I've made a peace with my choices. In a way, I don't know if my wife has yet. There's always greener grass when she talks about things over the years irrespective of what side of the yard she was sitting on.

This. I was trying to figure out if you really wanted to kick your career back in high gear and wished your wife could handle taking on more as a SAHM or was it more that you have made peace with the situation and although your career may not be where it could be, you have a bond with your children that you may not have had otherwise and don’t want to lose that. If it’s the latter, I see the conversation starting there and letting your wife know that the high powered career where you don’t see your kids isn’t what you want. You want the balalnce and the flexibility. The high powered lots of travel job may have been how you guys started out and you had to adapt to the situation but this is what you want now. if she genuinely believes her SAH and you kicking up your career is doing you a favor it’s important she realizes that it isn’t. If she is trying to use it as a way to not have to face taking action to improve her situation it’s important to take that off the table.

The next thing is to explore why she wants to SAH. Does she feel she let you down earlier and wants to make it up? Does she feel like she isn’t as close to the kids? Is she unhappy at her job and if so what can she do to change things? Is there a different position, like I think a PP mentioned being a reading specialist that may have more flexible hours? Does she maybe want to have more authority/autonomy at work but is afraid of going for it? Is there a job elsewhere using her background that may be a better fit for what she wants? Could it be related to depression and if so what does her therapist say?

She wants to stay at home now because the hard part is over and she wants to reap the reward of a garden she didn't sow.

I SAH with ES kids but I have been home since day 1, paid my dues and I'm 100% the default parent. DH manages the online bill paying and the lawn mowing (we could hire this out but he claims he "likes" it.) I handle literally everything else.

“Paid my dues” ? I stay home because I love being with my kids.

I can’t imagine it’s all that easy to give up your career and SAH with Kids who aren’t used to your presence. You don’t “reap the reward” if the time was never invested in your kids from the beginning- unless you view not working as some sort of reward? I’ve been a SAHM for 11 years but still miss making a high income- we don’t need the money but I loved my career successes. Then”reward” to me is well behaved, kind Kids who know how to treat others and work hard and interact with others. The time we invested in them since birth has made that possible. If not working is some sort of prize you feel you earned for raising kids for a few years I can’t relate.

[Anonymous]

OP - your wife sucks. Sorry if that comment isn't helpful. But in the "best case" she's depressed. And in the "wort case" she's lazy.

It's completely ridiculous that your dry run last summer resulted in the need to hire a sitter AND a cleaner.

So basically - she doesn't want to work. She doesn't want to clean. And she wants to hire a babysitter to "run errands"?? WTF. Completely unacceptable.

- working wife and mother here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

OMG where are these classes? I would sign up for this. I'm serious.
-Atheist Jewish SAHM.

Ok I looked up these classes. I need every single one of these.
http://www.byui.edu/online/course-list

[Anonymous]

My first thought is that she is still struggling with depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

OMG where are these classes? I would sign up for this. I'm serious.
-Atheist Jewish SAHM.

Ok I looked up these classes. I need every single one of these.
http://www.byui.edu/online/course-list

+1 I think it's pretty cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can pretty much say that.

Hey hon, we tried that this summer and younwere miserable. Maybe it's just the jobnyou are in and you want to find something you are more passionate about.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, is your wife in denial that things at home were a shitshow when she SAH? Did you ever talk about it before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

Why? You think OP should work even harder and longer and still be the default parent? WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it seem everyone is so afraid to talk to their spouse?

Because they might find irreconcilable differences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. I did this with my DH, he was miserable at work, I was killing myself at work and home and not getting help from him because he had no energy left after his draining day; I said he could try staying home, he said he wanted to try, but now he is home, doesn't like that either, doesn't like doing house work, complains I don't help out in the morning (because I'm getting ready for work) and we just lost a ton of income.
I'm still the default parent, you will be too. And it will make you even more resentful

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 and he's an involved dad too
-part time sahm

no such thing as a PART time SAHM.
You are a wannabe.
You are a working mom. You happen to work PT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw out one other thought: is she okay in terms of her health? And are you sure?

I went through a period where I really struggled with everything and was never happy, and it turns out I thyroid/fatigue issues that I was ignoring.

Also even mild depression can make everything hard.

There could be something else going on to explain her ennui.

I was going to say, as well - this sounds like depression, or it sounds like something that manifests as depression. I say this as someone who has always struggled to hold down a full time job, or take on a full load of adult responsibilities, and am hearing that in your description of your wife's behavior and feelings.

Anyway, you sound like a good person - she sounds like she is struggling.

OP here. Yes, my wife has been treated for depression. She's in therapy weekly. We don't do couples counseling because beyond the proposed change, I'm fine with how things are. I would view myself as content I've made a peace with my choices. In a way, I don't know if my wife has yet. There's always greener grass when she talks about things over the years irrespective of what side of the yard she was sitting on.

So she's depressed and in pretty intensive therapy - weekly! No way would I accept her quitting work. You just know she's not going to do a good job AH, nor will she be happy. Her work status is not the cause of her unhappiness and indolence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it seem everyone is so afraid to talk to their spouse?

This.
No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 and he's an involved dad too
-part time sahm

no such thing as a PART time SAHM.
You are a wannabe.
You are a working mom. You happen to work PT.

I think of myself this way, too. I work PT, but my hours are flexible, I am the backup care and the default parent. I don't do 100% of what a SAHM might do (we have a cleaning service and part time housekeeping help), but I do a lot of things we would have to pay someone to do if we both worked.