My wife wants to stop working...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

She's not going to hurt the children or herself (like an alcoholic might), and divorcing her would mean the OP had 100% responsibility + child support, etc.. He doesn't hate her; she just isn't a full partner. In time, he may lose a lot of respect for her and the marriage may not survive. But right now, it's not great, but it's not the same as living with an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

No, but I married for better or worse. The marriage counsellor told my husband directly in front of me that he needed to step it up. That lasted six weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

No, but I married for better or worse. The marriage counsellor told my husband directly in front of me that he needed to step it up. That lasted six weeks.

OP here, but this.

Here is the ironic thing. My wife is actually very, very good at a lot of the things I don't do well. She's the fun. She's the creative parent. She's the project parent. She's the parent, honestly, the kids prefer. I am, in a lot of ways, task master. Some of it is my personality and some of it is that someone needs to keep an eye on the clock and the trains running on time. So, in a way, when it comes to certain things, I am the under performing parent.

What I'd like us both to admit is that we have our lanes, we know what's working in terms of our home life and to not futz with that in the hopes of getting away from a job that isn't ideal.

In my wife's head, being home full time means more time crafting, cooking (elaborate) meals from scratch, gardening, hobbies, and quality time with the kids. And while it may be part of it, there's another whole part she isn't here for and that's the part that I fear will land on my plate while I'm working more and stretched thinner.

We've had conversations about this, but whenever we come close to the line about this conclusion, my wife gets upset and offended and defensive. So, we walk the line back and admit anyone can do this, including her, well. It's frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

No, but I married for better or worse. The marriage counsellor told my husband directly in front of me that he needed to step it up. That lasted six weeks.

OP here, but this.

Here is the ironic thing. My wife is actually very, very good at a lot of the things I don't do well. She's the fun. She's the creative parent. She's the project parent. She's the parent, honestly, the kids prefer. I am, in a lot of ways, task master. Some of it is my personality and some of it is that someone needs to keep an eye on the clock and the trains running on time. So, in a way, when it comes to certain things, I am the under performing parent.

What I'd like us both to admit is that we have our lanes, we know what's working in terms of our home life and to not futz with that in the hopes of getting away from a job that isn't ideal.

In my wife's head, being home full time means more time crafting, cooking (elaborate) meals from scratch, gardening, hobbies, and quality time with the kids. And while it may be part of it, there's another whole part she isn't here for and that's the part that I fear will land on my plate while I'm working more and stretched thinner.

We've had conversations about this, but whenever we come close to the line about this conclusion, my wife gets upset and offended and defensive. So, we walk the line back and admit anyone can do this, including her, well. It's frustrating.

PP here. I don’t know that your wife is ready to face the hard truths that she isn’t cut out to SAH full-time. I’m the poster that suggested focusing on fairness to you in being able to keep spending the quality time with the kids and have the flexibility you have in your career. I think it’s more than valid to say to your spouse I don’t want to commute 100 miles a day, travel 4 days a week or whatever the sacrifice she wants you to make for something only she wants....especially when you more than pull your weight at home and with your career right now. There has to be a better alternative for her to fit in gardening, crafting, spending time with the kids etc. and you can be supportive in helping her find that other option. If she isn’t hearing a hard no to you changing stretching yourself thin at work and giving up what you have with the kids, I would look at marriage counseling to help resolve this.

[Anonymous]

As protectors, providers and pursuers, men often need to be the ones to fix what is broken. Not sure if you have done this, but have had a chance to find out what your wife’s needs are? In my own marriage, there have been too many times when my wife is talking to me, but I am not listening. Now when she speaks I stop everything that I am doing, and I focus my attention on her. I look at her, but I look at her eyes ( that keeps me from doing anything else) she knows and I know that she has my complete undivided attention. At that time you and your wife can share each other’s needs. It is said that a good relationship starts with good communication, that begins by begin a good, active listener.
I read recently that Marriage is not 50-50; divorce is 50-50. Marriage has to be 100-100. It isn’t dividing everything in half, but giving everything you’ve got”

[Anonymous]

Op I'll bet your wife is obese too. But if she's not obese she wants to quit work to have an affair. She's trying to free up her time because you've done all the heavy lifting, the kids are a bit older, so now she's looking to trade up for someone more financially successful than you. It is so obvious you are being played and you can't even see it. Your wife has always been selfish and you seem to accept it so maybe you think she is way outbid your league and you do too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 and he's an involved dad too
-part time sahm

no such thing as a PART time SAHM.
You are a wannabe.
You are a working mom. You happen to work PT.

I am really sorry you felt compelled to post this, I honestly fear you must be suffering from PPD or something. Please consider a therapy, I fear for your children's safety since they are home with you alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 and he's an involved dad too
-part time sahm

no such thing as a PART time SAHM.
You are a wannabe.
You are a working mom. You happen to work PT.

I am really sorry you felt compelled to post this, I honestly fear you must be suffering from PPD or something. Please consider a therapy, I fear for your children's safety since they are home with you alone.

Nice try! PPD? Lol. My kids are 18 and 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you aren't my husband.

why? He sounds pretty reasonable?

-signed a sahm

+1 and he's an involved dad too
-part time sahm

no such thing as a PART time SAHM.
You are a wannabe.
You are a working mom. You happen to work PT.

I am really sorry you felt compelled to post this, I honestly fear you must be suffering from PPD or something. Please consider a therapy, I fear for your children's safety since they are home with you alone.

Nice try! PPD? Lol. My kids are 18 and 16.

BTW! When my kids were young and I worked one eight hour night shift a month as a per dime nurse ( to keep my foot in the door)--I considered myself a working mom.
Have a job that pays you=working mom.

[Anonymous]

I remember reading on a forum, where the lady had a signature. It said " SAHM working full time nights".
Well, no...
You are getting a FT pay check, you are NOT a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. And that you don't actually have the option to ramp up your career and earn more, because she's never going to be in a position to help out at home the way a fully-functioning stay-at-home spouse could do. I think the only way for you both to avoid resentment is for each of you to be honest about your family's situation. She needs to accept that she needs to contribute in some way, that she can't expect you to handle everything, and can't just hide from her unhappiness by quitting her job under the guise of wanting to be a SAHM, which you both know she's not cut out to do. You need to accept that you'll always be the one contributing more and that your family income will not be maximized because she can't do her share.

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

No, but I married for better or worse. The marriage counsellor told my husband directly in front of me that he needed to step it up. That lasted six weeks.

OP here, but this.

Here is the ironic thing. My wife is actually very, very good at a lot of the things I don't do well. She's the fun. She's the creative parent. She's the project parent. She's the parent, honestly, the kids prefer. I am, in a lot of ways, task master. Some of it is my personality and some of it is that someone needs to keep an eye on the clock and the trains running on time. So, in a way, when it comes to certain things, I am the under performing parent.

What I'd like us both to admit is that we have our lanes, we know what's working in terms of our home life and to not futz with that in the hopes of getting away from a job that isn't ideal.

In my wife's head, being home full time means more time crafting, cooking (elaborate) meals from scratch, gardening, hobbies, and quality time with the kids. And while it may be part of it, there's another whole part she isn't here for and that's the part that I fear will land on my plate while I'm working more and stretched thinner.

We've had conversations about this, but whenever we come close to the line about this conclusion, my wife gets upset and offended and defensive. So, we walk the line back and admit anyone can do this, including her, well. It's frustrating.

PP here. I don’t know that your wife is ready to face the hard truths that she isn’t cut out to SAH full-time. I’m the poster that suggested focusing on fairness to you in being able to keep spending the quality time with the kids and have the flexibility you have in your career. I think it’s more than valid to say to your spouse I don’t want to commute 100 miles a day, travel 4 days a week or whatever the sacrifice she wants you to make for something only she wants....especially when you more than pull your weight at home and with your career right now. There has to be a better alternative for her to fit in gardening, crafting, spending time with the kids etc. and you can be supportive in helping her find that other option. If she isn’t hearing a hard no to you changing stretching yourself thin at work and giving up what you have with the kids, I would look at marriage counseling to help resolve this.

OP here, thank you for this. I am going to try reframing my response. I think it might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Have you ever known any Mormon SAHMs? Who went to Brigham Young? They take classes (like, many classes) on organizing the house, childcare, etc.

Totally off topic... but seriously? They have such classes? What decade is this again?

They do! I'm not Mormon but when I started SAH I really wish I had those classes. I mean, they have like a gazillion kids and they believe they're building a kingdom for eternity or something, so it's pretty important. Also, every Mormon I've known has had the happiest family life ever, so they're doing something right. They have like structured family time and have family music time and all sorts of cool traditions.

But seriously, did you see that article in WaPo about how Home Ec should come back, and should be for boys and girls? I totally agree. Everyone should take classes in childcare, parenting, home management, cooking, personal finance and budget making, etc.

I'm all for home ec in MS/HS, but college? No. That's for serious study in your field. Sometimes I do think childcare classes should be required for all new parents, but in college? That's just too weird.

+1

Everybody should take classes in high school that teach things like budgeting, personal finance, cooking, etc but, since not everybody is going to have kids right out of college (or at all), universal parenting classes would be a waste. There definitely should be free classes for adults (of any age) seriously considering having kids, though, so they don't enter into motherhood or fatherhood blindly. There should also be a required (free) childcare class for expectant parents, as well as free classes for parents through out their kids' childhoods that address parenting kids at various stages. Classes on parenting toddlers for parents of older infants, classes on parenting preschoolers for parents of older toddlers, classes on parenting early elementary schoolers for parents of kids about to start K, etc. There would ideally also be free parenting classes that address specific issues like parenting kids with various special needs (autism, ADHD, down syndrome, giftedness, 2E, etc), parenting during a divorce/co-parenting with an ex, blended families, adoptive families, etc.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you say that?

[Anonymous]

Op,

Does she just want to stay at home or is she also asking you to do more career wise apart from that? Not saying that is appropriate, but it is suggested in your first post.