My wife wants to stop working...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'll bet your wife is obese too. But if she's not obese she wants to quit work to have an affair. She's trying to free up her time because you've done all the heavy lifting, the kids are a bit older, so now she's looking to trade up for someone more financially successful than you. It is so obvious you are being played and you can't even see it. Your wife has always been selfish and you seem to accept it so maybe you think she is way outbid your league and you do too.

OK, please go back to r/redpill.

[HubertStomp]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. ...

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

She's not going to hurt the children or herself (like an alcoholic might), and divorcing her would mean the OP had 100% responsibility + child support, etc.. He doesn't hate her; she just isn't a full partner. In time, he may lose a lot of respect for her and the marriage may not survive. But right now, it's not great, but it's not the same as living with an alcoholic.

Apologies for resurrecting a thread from October, but its kind of eerie how much the original quote matches my situation, with the under-functioning wife who is depressed and ADHD.

Here's a another reason for not considering divorce: She believes in acquiescing her to what she believes are the expectations of her friends and family. Despite clearly not being cut out for being a parent and honestly accepting that walking away would be good for her, she would fight for custody.

Selfishly, it would devastate me to not have full access to my daughter. Not-so-selfishly, my child would suffer from neglect from my wife's self-centeredness/self-absorbtion.

Finally, in my scenario, I see a far worse solution. In any split custody situation, I'd be at her beck and call to take care of our child (e.g.,"I'm too tired, you need to come get her!").

Furthermore, her mother has been itching to move closer to us and she would likely invite my wife to live with her. While my mother-in-law is a good woman, she has no backbone to either make decisions that could be contrary a child (e.g.,"I want candy for dinner" "Well ok!") and won't stand up to her daughter. With my wife's unwillingness to raise our child, my MIL would be the one effectively raising her and in a situation that would mirror how my wife was raised (my wife's behaviors copied exactly from her father).

[Anonymous]

I stopped working and got my body into stripper shape. All I do is work out and get myself hot for my husband. There are some perks you might not foresee. Just get her workout passes for gifts haha.

[Anonymous]

Unless you cheated on her, she's in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

She sounds lazy. She doesn't want to work and she doesn't seem to want to pick up the load around the house. Many/most of us don't really have the luxury to avoid both of those things.

-working single mom who is the breadwinner AND the default parent

[HubertStomp]

Based on her behavior and stories she's told me about her family, I'm convinced that her ADHD (and other "diagnosed" ailments) are excuses for her self-absorbtion which borders on narcissism. Her college-educated parents bizarrely believe in inherited, not nurtured behavior and further excuse her behavior as passed down by the women in her father's family. Except every negative story my MIL has told me about her father applies to my wife.

I'm the breadwinner and default parent. I believe that of our shared responsibilities (excluding financial), I do 75% of the work. The term "underfunctioning" fits perfectly.

The underfunctioning part is hard but not as hard as the criticism she dishes out. It's like a punch to the stomach followed by a kick to the balls.

What are strategies those of you with "underfunctioning" partners employ?

[Anonymous]

OP make her see it from your own perspective.

It is easier to make her understand that increasing your work hours will be too stressful for you than to make her understand that she will not be a very good SAHM.

I would love to be a stay at home parent, but it is just not feasible for the kind of lifestyle that I'd like for my family without putting too much stress on my husband.
My husband does not want to work more than 45 hours a week. And I will not make him do that because he enjoys spending time with our kids as much as I do. He does at least 50% of the chores as well.
The only fair scenario is that we both work a full time at not too stressful jobs to bring in the kind of money that can sustain our current lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

HubertStomp wrote:Based on her behavior and stories she's told me about her family, I'm convinced that her ADHD (and other "diagnosed" ailments) are excuses for her self-absorbtion which borders on narcissism. Her college-educated parents bizarrely believe in inherited, not nurtured behavior and further excuse her behavior as passed down by the women in her father's family. Except every negative story my MIL has told me about her father applies to my wife.

I'm the breadwinner and default parent. I believe that of our shared responsibilities (excluding financial), I do 75% of the work. The term "underfunctioning" fits perfectly.

The underfunctioning part is hard but not as hard as the criticism she dishes out. It's like a punch to the stomach followed by a kick to the balls.

What are strategies those of you with "underfunctioning" partners employ?

Personality is at least half heritable. This is very well established.

[Anonymous]

What are 5 Minutes is my Life I will Never get back Alex for $1,000.

[Anonymous]

As a compromise, could she work on finding a job with more flexibility?

[Anonymous]

It is quite likely that your wife does not have as much energy as you do. Things that you can do easily wears her out. It is not that she is lazy but that she is worn out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a compromise, could she work on finding a job with more flexibility?

More flexibility than coming home at 4:00pm and not working during the summers? What country do you live in?

His wife has it as good as it gets in terms of flexibility.

She should be thankful her husband could find a more flexible job. Flexible jobs are unicorns, unless you are really senior and can make your own schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is quite likely that your wife does not have as much energy as you do. Things that you can do easily wears her out. It is not that she is lazy but that she is worn out.

Yes it is. And her job is perfect for that. If she can come up with a job that requires even less energy, OP should happily oblige.

But staying home because she does not have as much energy is going to be a disaster because OP will end up doing everything while his wife sleeps all day long.

[Anonymous]

i stopped working and got my body into stripper shape. All I do is work out and get myself hot for my husband.[code]

You must be fascinating to be around.i think OP is looking for a partner to pull her weight. But you do for...

Anyway,OP, think about the impact on your kids, what model is best..

Your sounds like my mom. Lifelong depressive who never finished her phd. My dad, a successful academic, was the primary parent for a long time. My mom cooked and drove us around during the week, while raging about her shitty life, but my dad dealt with us all weekend. He used to stay up until 3 am working to do it all. She would sleep in for hours on the weekend. Some days I would not see her all day. Never occurrrd to her thst she was responsible for the home since she wasnt working...atsome point she insisted she needed more help because she wanted to work. We had a housekeeper 4x a week and a college student driver but my mom, though she would spend hours in her office, could barely manage to adjunct one course. Finally-- my dad left her (there were other deep issues). The issue was never the work load, it was my mom's depression and anxiety but she never dealt with it, just usually blamed my dad for putting his career over hers, never accepting responsibility for her own underachievement. She didn't know how to just get shit done, whether work or home life.

I became a successful and driven person who manages to more or less balance career and kids, which my mom finds hard to deal with (usually finds a way to undermine my success). But my brother married a depressive neurotic who never worked or had kids and who he is now forced to support despite finally divorcing her....he chose someone like my mom and ended up leaving her, just like my dad did..