My mother's boyfriend is a bigot
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Anonymous
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OP here. I wanted to give an update and get some advice since my mother has been showing some signs of not being willing to cut the guy off. First, we asked her to block him on her cell phone repeatedly. She claimed she did, flubbed it, but apparently, it's done now. She hasn't changed her landline, which he has been calling constantly. We keep asking her to do so but she's resistant ("I've had this number since 1966"). It's strange and I'm worried what she wants is some sort of closure that entails actually talking to him.
I don't think she's processed how much danger she -- and we all -- were in last weekend. I don't think she's processed how much danger she's in now. I think she thinks were being lovingly over protective. She's going to see her therapist today, but I don't know what else we can do to help her understand the gravity of the situation. Any insights or guidance is appreciated. Thanks. |
Anonymous
OP, I would take what you wrote here; gather your family members with your mom; and basically read her most of this post. A safety intervention, if you will. If some members live too far away, patch them in via Skype if need be. Layla should be there if Layla is OK with that. Maybe being in a room face to face with as many of you as possible, all saying, this is NOT normal, would wake her up. Does her town have a police department that might have a community liaison officer? I would push hard to get a liaison officer to meet with her ASAP in person to explain what harassment and stalking look like and why she needs to change all her numbers and possibly take a "vacation" for a while. She may need to hear a police officer -- not her own children-- say, "Do not seek ANY closure, do not let him 'explain himself' on the phone, by text or email or especially in person" etc. Your mom just may not be able to believe the ex would hurt her. She may be socialized as many women are, to "not make a fuss" and "let it go." That's why she might need to have an officer bluntly say to her face not to engage in any form. And I really would try to get her out of town if at all possible. That may sound like running away or caving to fear, but it actually could give her space to think, especially if he is calling her constantly (and you and siblings may need to push her hard on changing her number on the land line). |
Anonymous
| I agree with PP; you should have your mom come visit you. I would not want my mom alone in her condo. |
Anonymous
Get her out of there. The man made a fool of himself and her and he's still going at it three days later? Alert the police - seriously, file a report right now - ask a neighbor to keep an eye on her place and let her come stay with you for a couple of weeks. People always say, "we never thought he'd take it that far" but you're already past that point. |
Anonymous
| Bless your family and good riddance to this boyfriend. I agree about calling the police. Maybe some affordable security cameras like "Ring" where all of you could be authorized users via your mom's account (she can e-mail you an authorized user password) so that you can get live footage of her entryways? |
Anonymous
No. But I think Layla would appreciate knowing she has the support of her in laws |
Anonymous
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OP here. No luck on the number change, but the calls seemed to have stopped. We did convince my mother to go on a week long trip with her college friends. She had plans with her ex to go on a local long weekend trip, so she canceled on her friends. She's done this for nearly 25 years, so we were surprised when she told us last Spring that she wasn't going this year. It's a relief that she's getting out of town.
What's crazy is that no one could have expected these events. We were all happy for my mom. Hell, my brother and Layla bought my mother and her ex tickets to a wine festival. It's bizzaro world. But looking back, I think we could see things. My other sister in law was hospitalized briefly a month ago and my mother canceled plans with her ex to help out while she was in the hospital (they live 3 hours from her and SIL's parents have passed...so my mother is the closet family who could conceivably help). My mother said her ex was upset but we all attributed it to being disappointed about the canceled plans. And my mother and her ex came by my town twice in the last few months but they wouldn't stop by or let us meet up with them for lunch or coffee or anything, which is strange because my mother -- pre-ex -- always loved to use those coincidental visits as a chance to see her grandchildren. We just attributed to them being on a schedule, but my mother admitted it was her ex who didn't want to be bothered stopping. And the offending Layla to the point where my brother wouldn't want to speak to my mother should she stay with the ex. It's was on purpose. He picked Layla for a reason. And the guns. The handgun just sitting in that glove compartment. It all points to a pattern of isolating my mother from her support system. We already live hours away. Cutting us out from speaking to her or seeing her...it was a textbook setting the stage for abuse. The shock is slowly leaving, but I am seeing things more clearly. I never, in a million years, would have thought my senior citizen mother would be dealing with this. It's eye opening. |
Anonymous
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Oh Op, how awful all of it is, including your updates.
I feel really badly for your mom. She's not that old, and it sounds like she is lonely and vulnerable. Yes, I think the guy was slowly isolating her. Be glad that his true colors came out before they were even more intwined. But now I think you need to talk to your mom about ways she can be stronger on her own. It's good she has a network of female friends, and also good she has a counselor. It doesn't mean she won't be lonely, though, or sad about being alone again. I'd try to get her down to visit, encourage her to fill her schedule with hobbies and things she enjoys, and talk to her about being cautious and demanding of her partners. Maybe you could frame it as, how would you feel if I settle on someone who was not worthy of me? You are a valuable, important person and you deserve someone who is WORTHY of you. |
Anonymous
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I know this has turned into a safety issue with your mom, but OP, please don't do what some PPs are suggesting with Layla wrt separating her from you all. Like calling her and saying "you know WE all don't feel that way" or not including her in the family intervention for fear that she may not want to participate.
She is part of your family and this lunatic - while starting out making racist comments to her - ended up potentially harming all of you. This is a problem that all of you - including Layla - should be involved in helping your mom with. Commiserate with her, talk about ways that your mom and all of you can stay away from this lunatic, do all these things, but don't segregate her because she's black and this guy was a crazy racist. Actions speak way louder than words and your actions of sticking all together tell her all she needs to know. |
Anonymous
Layla has been a part of all of this. She's contributed to the chain text among the six of us and has spoken to my mother. They are actually fairly close and I think that's one of the reasons (beyond the obvious) it was so jarring. My mother adores Layla, so the barrage of nasty texts disparaging her freaks my mother out even more. Oddly, the entire experience has somewhat drawn everyone closer today. Like I said, beyond that crisis event, it was the best time I think we all have ever experienced together. I think that's a silver lining to all of this. |
Anonymous
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"It all points to a pattern of isolating my mother from her support system. We already live hours away. Cutting us out from speaking to her or seeing her...it was a textbook setting the stage for abuse."
THIS times a thousand. My best friend's mother -- a nice mid-western widowed housewife -- was murdered by her boyfriend when she tried to break up with him. If she had been 18, we would have seen the signs of a controlling, manipulative, abusive relationship and tried to intervene. But she was an "adult," of an age we respected, and we just didn't think about their relationship that way. Please do everything you can to convey to your mother that her personal safety is in danger. My own mother, dating in her mid-60s, has had a couple of scary dating experiences. She went to our local police at one point for help with a particularly aggressive guy who started threatening her. They were fantastic about it, and called him and told him to cut it out (which actually worked, to my surprise). I imagine big city police departments might not care, but in a smaller community I think it can be helpful to let police know there's a problem. If nothing else, it will help them see a pattern down the road. |
Anonymous
| I'm starting to think you (and your mom) like drama, OP. |
Anonymous
| He sounds like a complete psycho. How scary. I do hope that your Mom can understand and not underestimate that this guy may be dangerous and a loose cannon. I wonder if the local police department know him already.. It may be worth checking into. |
Anonymous
WTF?? |
Anonymous
| OP, I can't get this out of my mind. Have thing calmed down? What an awful experience! |