My mother's boyfriend is a bigot
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Anonymous
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I am trying to process a strange long weekend with my family and would appreciate some DCUM "you're not crazy" or "you're crazy" feedback.
First, my mother turned 65 this week. My bothers and I (I'm a daughter) decided that we would rent a country house near where she lives in upstate NY and bring all of the grandchildren and put on a long weekend celebration. Now, my brothers and I don't always get along. Sometimes they turn into drunken idiots during family events and I fall into the buzz kill sister. And I have an issue with one of my sister in law's (a personality clash that we usually grit out teeth through when she see each other), but my other sister in law (let's call her Layla) is just a fantastic person. I mean, among the my brothers, husband, and other sister in law, she is probably the kindest, most gracious, and just all around easy going person in our family when we are in a big group. She has never been the cause of a fight over the past ten years she's been around. She's just an easy going woman. My mom has been divorced from my dad for 10 years and has been dating a guy for about 8 months and she wanted to bring him to meet everyone for the first time. We were all happy and excited because she seemed happy. The weekend was basically perfect. Everyone got along, the kids had a blast, no one fought or drank too much. The food at the party we threw was fantastic. My mother's boyfriend was awkward, didn't speak much, and did throw out some rude comments to my brothers (sort of peeing on a tree kind of thing). He was sort of stand offish and did strange things like swim laps in the pool (bumping into the kids) while we were all playing and chatting with our kids. The last night we had put the younger children to bed and we were all heating up leftovers and chatting in the kitchen. I'm standing next to Layla who decides to talk to my mother's boyfriend. My mother mentioned he was a teacher in NYC before retiring. My brother (Layla's husband) is a teacher, so she turns to the boyfriend and asks what grade did he teach and whether he liked working with children. My son asked me a question, so I turned away from the conversation, but when I turned around, I could see Layla getting upset. So, I walked over and heard the boyfriend say "well...you know black women just pop babies out to get welfare" and "we should have sterilized them before they pop out more criminals..." She just keeps trying to shut him up but he keeps getting more and more nasty and bigoted. Layla is black. She finally turns to my mother in law, gives her a peck, says she can't be around this anymore and walks out in tears. Her husband follows. He talks to Layla and basically walks in and tells her what the boyfriend did, says he's a bigot, is furious and says they are going to sleep since their children are sleeping and will be leaving first thing in the morning. He joins Layla upstairs. My mother tells the boyfriend that Layla thought he was a bigot. And the man loses it, starts cussing, storming around, my other brother and his wife and I tell mom to get rid of him, he's screaming, calling her an elitist, liberal who thinks she's smarter than anyone because she's a doctor (Layla is a infertility doctor but rarely discusses her work). He's yelling and threatening my other brother who's watching him walk out with my mother that if he so much as lays a hand on him, he's getting his piece because he has a conceal and carry gun in his car (which after the fact we learned was sitting in an unlocked box in a his convertible with the top down, which we are livid about). He eventually speeds off. He gets home and begins sending nasty texts to my mother about Layla. It's vile stuff. My mother blocked him, tells us it's over with the guy. We all went to bed, she went to her condo in the morning with my brothers, she packed up his stuff and left it for him at the police station. My mother is sad and shocked and feels like it came out of left field. The kids and in-laws are horrified. I don't know what I am asking or what to do next. We all went our separate ways and are back in our normal lives, but I feel terrible. I don't know what to do next. Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent, I think. It was an awful end of the best long weekend I've ever had with my family. I'm angry about that. |
Anonymous
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That was a long post.
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Anonymous
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So bigot boyfriend's true colors came out? You should all consider it a blessing that it came out now, consider it a "sucks but now we know" situation. Even though it was a rough end to a good weekend, maybe it will even bring all of your closer? And your mom to be a better judge of people?
Remember the good parts of the weekend. And consider the bad parts a lesson-learned situation. |
Anonymous
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As someone who has been in that situation, I think you did all you can. Reach out to to your sister in law and let her vent if needed but if she doesn't want to talk about it - that's fine.
Set up another day to hang out and do family stuff together on neutral ground. |
Anonymous
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Yup. Your family stood by Layla and didn't try to make nice or rationalize or anything like that. You all behaved well. I feel bad for your mom, since this came out of the blue and must sting.
There isn't anything to do next but call Layla and give her a chance to vent or talk or process. Call her and ask if she is ok. |
Anonymous
+1. Also, if your mom had been faced with that kind of belligerent bordering on violent behavior when she didn't have her family around her, she may well have not been able to get rid of him. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, it sounds like everyone (except bf) did the right thing. layla was supported by everyone but I'm guessing she may not feel that way - since your mom was dating the crazed bigot in the first place. so, reach out to show your support some way if you can.
also, and perhaps more urgently, I'm worried about your mom's safety. given the comments about the gun and general nastiness, it is worth remembering that violent partners are most dangerous when the abused person leaves. now, I'm not saying your mom was abused but he sounds like a dangerous person. I'm no expert but perhaps consult with someone who is. (police or DA's office, local womens shelter or local attorney might have some advice) |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
But isn't that always the problem? I mean, if OP didn't put in all of those details, I think people would have done the DCUM thing and found some sort of factual hole to blame OP or poor Layla for the situation. You can't win on here. |
Anonymous
| cool story, is there a question |
Anonymous
| title should say "mom's ex-boyfriend." |
Anonymous
Do you have any reason to believe that this will not be the case moving forward? |
Anonymous
OP here. Possibly. One of the upsetting things was her reaction initially. She was shocked, but she kept going on about being alone and not having anyone and how difficult dating was as an older person, etc. It just didn't seem like a clear line had been crossed until the harassing texts kept coming. That's when she blocked him and said she's ending it. |
Anonymous
+1 Please insist your mom change ALL the locks on her home (even if she says she didn't give him a key; he could easily have grabbed an extra key or had one made). And as this PP says, consult with someone who can give concrete steps for her protection. I agree that he sounds potentially dangerous. Also keep close tabs on mom because if there is any chance she could convince herself this was an aberration, she's lonely, etc.--that could mean she might send him again. |
Anonymous
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Reading this, I am thankful that everyone except the perpetrator behaved correctly, defended Layla, didn't get into a potential life-threatening fight, and that your mother ended her relationship with him.
It's always a shock when racism is revealed in such a setting. You can reach out to Layla and ask if she's OK and whether there's anything you can do. |