My mother's boyfriend is a bigot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a long post.

+1

But isn't that always the problem? I mean, if OP didn't put in all of those details, I think people would have done the DCUM thing and found some sort of factual hole to blame OP or poor Layla for the situation. You can't win on here.

ITTA, I appreciate OP's detail and candor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:cool story, is there a question

^^idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's your motive?
Did you not think bigots existed?
Did you think your family was immune from them?
Your mother and the rest of you responded appropriately.
There isn't anything to be gained by Layla by you asking incessant questions letting her know you are there. Doing all that just makes this about you.
Believe me this is not the first time nor will it be the last time Layla deals with bigots.

You don't have to assure her that not all white people are like that she married your brother after all

Really. You don't think who marries outside of their race can be bigotted? You're wrong. Layla rightfully would need a gut check from her husband AND his family to let her know that the family she married into does not find such flagrantly ignorant commentary is not tolerated or in anyway condoned. Layla really should be made to be reassured of that--it was a horribly hateful thing to have to hear at a family gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't get this out of my mind. Have thing calmed down? What an awful experience!

OP here. Things have calmed down in a way. I think the chaos of last weekend made it difficult to see what was really happening. But after having a few days away from things, I think my siblings and in-laws all agree that the guy was grooming my mother and that she would have likely ended up in an abusive relationship with him.

My mother isn't there yet. She keeps going on about how well he treated her, how he took care of things, etc. etc. A lot of her friends have now confided in her that he was rude to them and they didn't think he was great, but didn't feel like they could or should say anything because she seemed happy and he seemed to dote on her and be attentive.

My mother's therapist pointed out that being overly doting to a partner while being offensive to outsiders of the relationship and pushing isolation was a tactic abusers use.

I just didn't know or think much about domestic abuse when my mother began dating again. We were just happy she was getting out there and making friends.

Layla is a little freaked out, but she lives five hours away. She actually told the hospital and medical facility where she works about the ex, gave them a picture and made it clear that if he's spotted to immediately call the police and do a lock down. She's a more public figure due to her name (which is unique) and that her medical expertise is particularly sought out/google-able (because of happy former patients). We all supported and encouraged her to do this.

It's an awful situation, but I hope sharing it will help others whose parents are getting back out there to keep dating safety in mind.

[Anonymous]

My mother's therapist pointed out that being overly doting to a partner while being offensive to outsiders of the relationship and pushing isolation was a tactic abusers use.

It absolutely is. They're creating a dependency. Like a drug you're convinced you can't live without. It's the reason abuse victims go back to their abusers again and again. It's a drug-like dependency for the abusers, too. They know it's wrong but can't stop. He was likely abused too at some point.

That's why you have to keep at her and make her understand that it's not her fault and she should feel no shame whatsoever for what happened. It takes awhile but she'll see where support and care can really be found.

[Anonymous]

Horrifying. I feel for your mother, but I can't believe how awful that experience had to be for poor Layla.

[Anonymous]

I would call Layla and say you stand by her too. Say you don't want to pretend it didn't happen but you understand if she doesn't want to talk about it. And say that you understand trust in your mom and family may have suffered. She is probably wondering secretly if your mother has said bigoted things in private and just doesn't say them out loud when she is around.