My mother's boyfriend is a bigot

[Anonymous]

What's your motive?
Did you not think bigots existed?
Did you think your family was immune from them?
Your mother and the rest of you responded appropriately.
There isn't anything to be gained by Layla by you asking incessant questions letting her know you are there. Doing all that just makes this about you.
Believe me this is not the first time nor will it be the last time Layla deals with bigots.

You don't have to assure her that not all white people are like that she married your brother after all

[Anonymous]

Wow. That's a lot, OP, and I'm sorry you went through it.

A couple of silver linings though:

1) You now know it's possible to enjoy a weekend with your family. When you faced a crisis situation, that bond held tough and strong.
2) Your mother's boyfriend revealed himself as a danger while you were all around to observe it and support her. There were probably red flags that her need for companionship kept her from seeing.

I've no doubt that Layla can take care of herself but at least she knows extended family support her. I think the most vulnerable person in this situation is your mother. Stay close, keep an eye on her and make sure she knows that this is NOT HER FAULT. That's the soft spot that abusive partners come back to hit again and again. They will also do everything they can to cut their victims off from their support systems. That's probably why he was so uncomfortable and stand-offish while he was around your family. Attacking one of you (again, going for soft spots like minority status of one of your family members) assures your rejection of him and he turns that into your family's rejection of his primary target - your mother.

That didn't work out for him, but he's still a threat. Unfortunately until he finds his next victim.

[Anonymous]

Do you live in integrated neighborhoods and send your kids to truly integrated schools ( not just a few hand picked wealthy blacks) or do you just punish anyone who dares to show their racism out loud? I don't condone this kind of talk but it's a constant reality in the behavior of many who like to accuse others of racism. How often do you entertain people of color in your home or invite them for play dates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you live in integrated neighborhoods and send your kids to truly integrated schools ( not just a few hand picked wealthy blacks) or do you just punish anyone who dares to show their racism out loud? I don't condone this kind of talk but it's a constant reality in the behavior of many who like to accuse others of racism. How often do you entertain people of color in your home or invite them for play dates?

I understand your concern, but it's so irrelevant to the OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you live in integrated neighborhoods and send your kids to truly integrated schools ( not just a few hand picked wealthy blacks) or do you just punish anyone who dares to show their racism out loud? I don't condone this kind of talk but it's a constant reality in the behavior of many who like to accuse others of racism. How often do you entertain people of color in your home or invite them for play dates?

I understand your concern, but it's so irrelevant to the OP's situation.

I was waiting for someone to defend the boyfriend! Go on, PP. Please share with us why Layla absolutely deserved to be treated like this and OP's family ruined this man's free speech rights, lol.

[Anonymous]

Personally I would:

1. Reach out to Layla and say "I'm really sorry that happened; please know WE don't feel that way at ALL. I was completely blind-sided. Are you okay?"

2. Reach out to Layla's husband/my brother and tell him he did the right thing by sticking by Layla and defending her.

3. Reach out to my mom and tell her she did the right thing by dumping her boyfriend and say I'm sorry it didn't work out with him and you found out in such an intense way.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. So, he's been texting my mother and leaving messages on her answering machine trashing Layla, claiming that she's an angry black woman, a drama queen, racist, trouble maker, and that he's tired of these "liberal snowflakes" driving in between them. It's crazy, but he seems to be blaming all of US for this mess. He's also called my brother, Layla's husband a pussy for not fighting him like a man.

What's crazy is that if this had escalated even more, I don't doubt someone would have gotten hurt. The gun was there in the boyfriend's car. My other sister in law heard him yelling something about making it violent while he was leaving.

I called Layla today and she's shaken. She feels for my mother in law and was worried no one would believe the things her boyfriend said to her. She knew the boyfriend would never apologize and would double down on the awfulness, so she went out of her way not to cause a scene because she didn't want things to escalate. Layla was in tears when her husband found her and told him the whole thing.

My mother changed her locks and has blocked him. We are encouraging her to tell her friends and neighbors that the boyfriend shouldn't come around, but are worried. He just seems unstable and crazy (and an awful bigot). What a combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, he's been texting my mother and leaving messages on her answering machine trashing Layla, claiming that she's an angry black woman, a drama queen, racist, trouble maker, and that he's tired of these "liberal snowflakes" driving in between them. It's crazy, but he seems to be blaming all of US for this mess. He's also called my brother, Layla's husband a pussy for not fighting him like a man.

What's crazy is that if this had escalated even more, I don't doubt someone would have gotten hurt. The gun was there in the boyfriend's car. My other sister in law heard him yelling something about making it violent while he was leaving.

I called Layla today and she's shaken. She feels for my mother in law and was worried no one would believe the things her boyfriend said to her. She knew the boyfriend would never apologize and would double down on the awfulness, so she went out of her way not to cause a scene because she didn't want things to escalate. Layla was in tears when her husband found her and told him the whole thing.

My mother changed her locks and has blocked him. We are encouraging her to tell her friends and neighbors that the boyfriend shouldn't come around, but are worried. He just seems unstable and crazy (and an awful bigot). What a combination.

I thought she had already blocked him? Troll. Try to keep your story straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a long post.

+1

But isn't that always the problem? I mean, if OP didn't put in all of those details, I think people would have done the DCUM thing and found some sort of factual hole to blame OP or poor Layla for the situation. You can't win on here.

I agree.

So sorry, OP. Hopefully you can extricate your mom and circle the wagons around Layla and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, he's been texting my mother and leaving messages on her answering machine trashing Layla, claiming that she's an angry black woman, a drama queen, racist, trouble maker, and that he's tired of these "liberal snowflakes" driving in between them. It's crazy, but he seems to be blaming all of US for this mess. He's also called my brother, Layla's husband a pussy for not fighting him like a man.

What's crazy is that if this had escalated even more, I don't doubt someone would have gotten hurt. The gun was there in the boyfriend's car. My other sister in law heard him yelling something about making it violent while he was leaving.

I called Layla today and she's shaken. She feels for my mother in law and was worried no one would believe the things her boyfriend said to her. She knew the boyfriend would never apologize and would double down on the awfulness, so she went out of her way not to cause a scene because she didn't want things to escalate. Layla was in tears when her husband found her and told him the whole thing.

My mother changed her locks and has blocked him. We are encouraging her to tell her friends and neighbors that the boyfriend shouldn't come around, but are worried. He just seems unstable and crazy (and an awful bigot). What a combination.

I thought she had already blocked him? Troll. Try to keep your story straight.

OP here. It turns out she didn't that night. She deleted the text, which according to her 65 year old non-technologically savvy self meant he couldn't write her. It doesn't obviously, which is why he was able to text. That's been fixed, now.

Ugh. This is why long posts get complaints about being too long and short ones get called troll for leaving out irrelevant information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, he's been texting my mother and leaving messages on her answering machine trashing Layla, claiming that she's an angry black woman, a drama queen, racist, trouble maker, and that he's tired of these "liberal snowflakes" driving in between them. It's crazy, but he seems to be blaming all of US for this mess. He's also called my brother, Layla's husband a pussy for not fighting him like a man.

What's crazy is that if this had escalated even more, I don't doubt someone would have gotten hurt. The gun was there in the boyfriend's car. My other sister in law heard him yelling something about making it violent while he was leaving.

I called Layla today and she's shaken. She feels for my mother in law and was worried no one would believe the things her boyfriend said to her. She knew the boyfriend would never apologize and would double down on the awfulness, so she went out of her way not to cause a scene because she didn't want things to escalate. Layla was in tears when her husband found her and told him the whole thing.

My mother changed her locks and has blocked him. We are encouraging her to tell her friends and neighbors that the boyfriend shouldn't come around, but are worried. He just seems unstable and crazy (and an awful bigot). What a combination.

I thought she had already blocked him? Troll. Try to keep your story straight.

OP here. It turns out she didn't that night. She deleted the text, which according to her 65 year old non-technologically savvy self meant he couldn't write her. It doesn't obviously, which is why he was able to text. That's been fixed, now.

Ugh. This is why long posts get complaints about being too long and short ones get called troll for leaving out irrelevant information.

Blocking him is good, but don't erase the texts. If she needs a restraining order, the texts will be evidence.

[Anonymous]

Keep the local police informed about the ongoing texts and the gun. He may or may not have a license.

They may start to patrol her area more frequently, or visit him to ask some questions.

When my mother was threatened by a former employee, the police went to talk to the woman about it. We never heard from her again.

[Anonymous]

PP is right -- mom should keep all texts and voice mails just in case police or a court needs them later. I hope that once this nutcase has blown off steam he'll go away, but just in case, have your mom keep everything. If she's not technologically up to that, do it for her.

I also second the idea of mom alerting neighbors and the cops as well that he is not supposed to be at her home. I'm our area, in a case like this, our police likely would drive past her house more often for a while, if they were aware a person with a gun was this angry and had been contacting a resident.

Update us, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. So, he's been texting my mother and leaving messages on her answering machine trashing Layla, claiming that she's an angry black woman, a drama queen, racist, trouble maker, and that he's tired of these "liberal snowflakes" driving in between them. It's crazy, but he seems to be blaming all of US for this mess. He's also called my brother, Layla's husband a pussy for not fighting him like a man.

What's crazy is that if this had escalated even more, I don't doubt someone would have gotten hurt. The gun was there in the boyfriend's car. My other sister in law heard him yelling something about making it violent while he was leaving.

I called Layla today and she's shaken. She feels for my mother in law and was worried no one would believe the things her boyfriend said to her. She knew the boyfriend would never apologize and would double down on the awfulness, so she went out of her way not to cause a scene because she didn't want things to escalate. Layla was in tears when her husband found her and told him the whole thing.

My mother changed her locks and has blocked him. We are encouraging her to tell her friends and neighbors that the boyfriend shouldn't come around, but are worried. He just seems unstable and crazy (and an awful bigot). What a combination.

I posted up thread that your mom is the most vulnerable one in this situation. If this guy hasn't found a reason to walk away from the situation at this point, he's not going to.

And as I suspected, it seems his primary objective is separating your mother from her family where he can heap abuse on her without interference. Don't let him do it, and don't let her think that letting him back into her life will calm him down. He's dangerous.

Is there any way your mom can get away from her condo for while? I'd bet anything he'll be back.

[Anonymous]

See, now....that's why I don't date at 62! Much as I might like a little companionship etc., the baggage people this age bring makes it just not worth it. And I have already had experience (years ago) with guys who seem great until you find out what the real deal is, sometimes fairly soon and sometimes it takes awhile because they have a lifetime of practice hiding it.

I feel for the OP's mom, I bet she had no idea this guy was such a tool. And now she's probably petrified. I would be. She might want to move and change her phone number.