My husband won't give me 1 day off

[Anonymous]

Please post your marriage vows. I can then give more-specific advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he isn't cheating? Gone all weekend? Angry and petty towards you. Tight with money. Looking for faults in you. All reasons he uses to justify him cheating. Do not have a second kid with him. You will hate him and your life. He may end up being a real Dick to your kids.

Not that I'm saying there is no chance he's cheating, but it more sounds like he doesn't want to be around the baby. Op said the baby cries a lot and is often difficult. Her husband probably studies elsewhere due to the noise.and then doesn't want to have to deal with it so goes out with friends, etc. He probably doesn't tend to be around much in general and was likely selfish before the kid came into the picture.

Your husband is an asshole. Do.you have the ability to get a good job? He's not going to change. When he's done with the program, he will have another excuse. Find a good babysitter, enroll in daycare, get a job, start making plans to leave.

[Anonymous]

Go back to work. It won't get better.

[Anonymous]

Your regular sitter is away? If you have a regular sitter then somebody somehow got a break. Our toddler is 3.5 and we both together have been away from him 6 hours in 3.5 years. One of us is always with him and he is a handful.
Put the kid in daycare.
I'd never dare to ask for a day off, but I did go to work opposite schedule of DH. Now he agrees that DC is more work than his work.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband your boss?

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you and how long have you been married? I work and generally don't get why women decide to become SAHM's, but you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: My SIL gives herself a day off every few months and checks herself into a hotel. BIL is very supportive. I wish my husband could be like that. Whenever I want to do something myself he makes me feel bad. I wanted to go target by myself around 1 month postpartum and he looked at me like I had 2 heads.

If this isn't a troll, this sounds like abuse to me, OP.

[Anonymous]

Go back to work op. Start looking for a daycare. If he won't give you a break, get a break that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go back to work op. Start looking for a daycare. If he won't give you a break, get a break that way.

I wish it were this easy but I am a teacher. I'll have to wait until the next school year or try to work in another field. We also want to move from the area soon. It's hard not being settled. I really want to go back to work. I think it would be good for me.

[Anonymous]

That's not true, you could long term sub or even just sub!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you posted here before. I feel like I've heard this in the same voice.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he feels like he's working hard too.

Here what works:
1. Date night every Friday. At least every other Friday. Four Fridays in a month, that's 2-4 per month. Say you do every other. Do one time out while a babysitter watches baby. One Friday "in" for a movie or eating dessert/sitting on the porch or whatever. It's potentially $20 a month for sitting if you do the 1x per month out. Even with grad school you can fit that in the budget. (I know. We are so poor from school debt.)
2. It's not about who's working more/harder. It's about having equal free time. You could incorrectly say that working / free time are always transverse. That equal free time means equal working etc. but it's not, because there's also just arrived home time, Commute time, Meal time, both help baby time. It can all feel like work. "Free time" is whatever you want to do.

What I do.

Choose hours of the week can be divided up. (For dh and I, it's Tuesday for 2 hours, Thursday for 2 hours, mostly all day Saturday and Sunday). So you might find there are 20 free hours in the week. Or 6, whatever. Set up a paper on the fridge each week with you & him to write in their initial for each block of free time you claim.

You can be as simple as that, or follow the other complex rules we have, if you're interested:
A. We write an uppercase M (my name) if it's a set-in-stone activity, like an appointment. A lowercase m if it's just claiming free time that could be moved.
B. It doesn't have to be exactly even. Don't get caught in that argument. But that's the overarching goal. Doesn't happen for us ever.
C. It's time to do whatever you want. You CAN hang out with the family, keep cleaning or cooking etc. or you can leave the house, or you can be alone. But if you choose cleaning/cooking that's on you. It's because you want to. That's a fine choice, but you can't resent others for it.
D. The kids don't need to be told (sounds like you have a baby anyway). But it's not like, "look at the calendar kids! It's mommy' free time! If I'm home, they might 'bother' my free time. Polite asking if the spouse to move kids to another room is all Ican do.

But date night is critical. If you're going to divide up free time for being alone/ out of the house, then first and foremost you need time for each other.

[Anonymous]

Transverse = inverse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he feels like he's working hard too.

Here what works:
1. Date night every Friday. At least every other Friday. Four Fridays in a month, that's 2-4 per month. Say you do every other. Do one time out while a babysitter watches baby. One Friday "in" for a movie or eating dessert/sitting on the porch or whatever. It's potentially $20 a month for sitting if you do the 1x per month out. Even with grad school you can fit that in the budget. (I know. We are so poor from school debt.)
2. It's not about who's working more/harder. It's about having equal free time. You could incorrectly say that working / free time are always transverse. That equal free time means equal working etc. but it's not, because there's also just arrived home time, Commute time, Meal time, both help baby time. It can all feel like work. "Free time" is whatever you want to do.

What I do.

Choose hours of the week can be divided up. (For dh and I, it's Tuesday for 2 hours, Thursday for 2 hours, mostly all day Saturday and Sunday). So you might find there are 20 free hours in the week. Or 6, whatever. Set up a paper on the fridge each week with you & him to write in their initial for each block of free time you claim.

You can be as simple as that, or follow the other complex rules we have, if you're interested:
A. We write an uppercase M (my name) if it's a set-in-stone activity, like an appointment. A lowercase m if it's just claiming free time that could be moved.
B. It doesn't have to be exactly even. Don't get caught in that argument. But that's the overarching goal. Doesn't happen for us ever.
C. It's time to do whatever you want. You CAN hang out with the family, keep cleaning or cooking etc. or you can leave the house, or you can be alone. But if you choose cleaning/cooking that's on you. It's because you want to. That's a fine choice, but you can't resent others for it.
D. The kids don't need to be told (sounds like you have a baby anyway). But it's not like, "look at the calendar kids! It's mommy' free time! If I'm home, they might 'bother' my free time. Polite asking if the spouse to move kids to another room is all Ican do.

But date night is critical. If you're going to divide up free time for being alone/ out of the house, then first and foremost you need time for each other.

Are you serious? DH is being controlling and emotionally abusive and you're advocating for date night. Lol. Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he feels like he's working hard too.

Here what works:
1. Date night every Friday. At least every other Friday. Four Fridays in a month, that's 2-4 per month. Say you do every other. Do one time out while a babysitter watches baby. One Friday "in" for a movie or eating dessert/sitting on the porch or whatever. It's potentially $20 a month for sitting if you do the 1x per month out. Even with grad school you can fit that in the budget. (I know. We are so poor from school debt.)
2. It's not about who's working more/harder. It's about having equal free time. You could incorrectly say that working / free time are always transverse. That equal free time means equal working etc. but it's not, because there's also just arrived home time, Commute time, Meal time, both help baby time. It can all feel like work. "Free time" is whatever you want to do.

What I do.

Choose hours of the week can be divided up. (For dh and I, it's Tuesday for 2 hours, Thursday for 2 hours, mostly all day Saturday and Sunday). So you might find there are 20 free hours in the week. Or 6, whatever. Set up a paper on the fridge each week with you & him to write in their initial for each block of free time you claim.

You can be as simple as that, or follow the other complex rules we have, if you're interested:
A. We write an uppercase M (my name) if it's a set-in-stone activity, like an appointment. A lowercase m if it's just claiming free time that could be moved.
B. It doesn't have to be exactly even. Don't get caught in that argument. But that's the overarching goal. Doesn't happen for us ever.
C. It's time to do whatever you want. You CAN hang out with the family, keep cleaning or cooking etc. or you can leave the house, or you can be alone. But if you choose cleaning/cooking that's on you. It's because you want to. That's a fine choice, but you can't resent others for it.
D. The kids don't need to be told (sounds like you have a baby anyway). But it's not like, "look at the calendar kids! It's mommy' free time! If I'm home, they might 'bother' my free time. Polite asking if the spouse to move kids to another room is all Ican do.

But date night is critical. If you're going to divide up free time for being alone/ out of the house, then first and foremost you need time for each other.

Are you serious? DH is being controlling and emotionally abusive and you're advocating for date night. Lol. Yeah, no.

OP here: He also doesn't like the idea of having date night because he wants to be with the baby. I'm sure I will get called troll for this but I am serious. His idea of date night is going to church as a family.