Passive-aggression on the west coast vs outright "aggression" on the east coast

[Anonymous]

This thread is cracking me up. I grew up in the MidWest and have lived in CA Bay Area (where I am now), PNW, NE-Boston/Cambridge, and DC. The stereotype about the PNW-er with the cart is so true! DH is from Seattle area, and we had a similar encounter with a biker on a 10ft wide mixed use path who gave DH a huge lecture about not getting out of the way for her bell when she had like 6 ft of clearance to go around us.

While I've spent more than half my life elsewhere, the MidWest is still where I feel culturally most comfortable. But overall I, counterintuitively, actually think Boston/Cambridge was the easiest place to live. I feel like you always know where you stand, and there is a genuineness to encounters there. In classic fashion, I was once walking down the street and got cussed out by a driver while I was crossing a street in the crosswalk when I had right of way, because well...they were a Boston driver. But 3 blocks later I was looking for a place and must have looked confused, because a nice person stopped to help me without my asking. Boston, I swear, has the kindest, biggest-hearted, and rudest people in the country!

I moved to Cambridge from Seattle, and a couple of my Seattle freinds were from NE...and when asked they complained how Seattle was so fake and hard to make friends. I tend to agree, actually.

The person who said the thing about Californians being oblivious was spot on. I totally remember that and really struggling with it when I first moved here from the MidWest. It's like people don't bother to care at all about anyone but themselves. And I remember talking about that with a friend who was a native Californian from Berkeley, and she was like, "That's what I love about California! You don't have to think about anyone but yourself!"

It's pretty interesting how different cultures are across the US. I guess my advice is that now that you can identify what's different, it might be easier to adapt to it or at least tolerate it beause you understand it.. And maybe try to find the upsides as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a native east coaster, I find it really difficult that west coasters do not get sarcasm. At. all.

Yes! My first language is sarcasm and it doesn't fly at. all. on the west coast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:West coasters in general tend to be quieter about their work and their accomplishments. Let everyone think you're chillin' and kicking back when you're really working an 18-hour day behind the scenes. You don't talk about it, because it makes you sound obnoxious.

East coasters like to trumpet their accomplishments on their sleeves and brag about how just hard they're working every minute. I find it both confusing, and amusing, as a West Coast native. Just chill out, dude!

See ya, surf's up.

Meh, Stanford alum here (who has moved back to California), and I think it's just bragging about different stuff. Whether people brag about their specific accomplishments seems to be more about who they are than where they are from. Plenty of Californians brag about what they've accomplished.

The difference is in what non-accomplishments you brag about. The West Coast prizes being "laid back" and "chill", so that's what they brag about. Stanford advertises itself as "all the students are playing volleyball on the Oval", when really "all the students are working on problem sets until 3AM like every other elite college in the world". There's just this pressure to make it seem like you don't work hard. The East Coast values working a lot, and so you hear people talking about the hours they work as if it's something to be proud of. DC is particularly bad about this, since if you're a staffer then needing to spend long-hours supporting your principal/boss is an indication of power/influence. I find both extremes pretty insufferable.

[Anonymous]

My XW was born in SoCal and is clearly passive aggressive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a native east coaster, I find it really difficult that west coasters do not get sarcasm. At. all.

+2!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:East coaster that worked on the west coast for a min.
It made me so much more aggressive and confrontational. I literally wanted to punch everyone in the face.
But yoga also makes me angry.
So...yeah.

This is what I'm worried about. I recently moved to the Pacific NW and, while i've lived in LA also, people here seem to be be west coast passive aggression x10. Everyone just seems so... easily offended and downright crazy to me. Like something that would be NBD on the east coast becomes a huge deal here. I have a friend who lives in Seattle and she was telling me how, if her cart happens to be in the way of how someone is walking (as in, not blocking the aisle, just on her side of the aisle that they are walking through) instead of going around, they will stop and literally stare at her, like glaring at her, waiting for her to move for them. Having been here, I can totally imagine that. It's a very weird set of social codes that, to me, seems to be built on a bedrock of wanting to feel angry/aggrieved. And... it's working on me! I feel annoyed and upset every time I leave my apartment, which is not a problem I've ever had before. And, of course, I'm a very upfront person, so my instinct is to address it, but any Pacific NWer that I have seen have someone ask about their passive aggression... just denies that this kind of environment exists. It's just "I think everyone is super pleasant"- so you are made out to be crazy.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant. But it worries me because I can feel it make me more of a miserable, confrontational person because of the constant passive aggression over things that are truly so irrelevant and minor. And I worry that I made a huge mistake moving here.

When I first opened this thread I thought, omg this person should move to Seattle, then they will know passive-aggressiveness. And now I am laughing so hard. When I lived in Seattle the worst was at work. There were several times I had an idea or plan that I went forward with because I thought I got approval, to later find out that I not only didn't get approval but the plan wasn't going to work and no one liked it for various reasons but no one would just come out with it! And both times the reasons weren't even personal--it was related to operational logistics. So there I am, working my ass off on things that everyone knows won't work, but they won't tell me that it's a bad idea lest things are too direct. I was told when I moved there, Seattle is filled with people who will invite you to dinner and then hope you don't come. Lots of amazing things about the PNW but that's not something I miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a native east coaster, how did you cope with the more "passive" style that people on the west coast deal with issues? I've seen a lot of talk about this on the internet and with other east coasters I encountered, but still have to find a way to really deal with it?

If you are from the west coast, I would also be interested in hearing your perspective on moving to the east coast, if you enjoyed or disliked the more "upfront" way of speaking that is common.

You're getting it wrong.

We're obviously talking averages...on average, West Coast folks are simply happy and have fewer issues. East Coasters have so many issues that they explode with any minor stupid thing.

[Anonymous]

Google 'Seattle freeze'... yall arent alone!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seattle_Freeze

[Anonymous]

I have lived on both coasts for 5+ years at a time. I greatly prefer the West coast. East coast aggression is terrifying. I'll take the passive aggressive smile through your pearly white teeth any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is cracking me up. I grew up in the MidWest and have lived in CA Bay Area (where I am now), PNW, NE-Boston/Cambridge, and DC. The stereotype about the PNW-er with the cart is so true! DH is from Seattle area, and we had a similar encounter with a biker on a 10ft wide mixed use path who gave DH a huge lecture about not getting out of the way for her bell when she had like 6 ft of clearance to go around us.

While I've spent more than half my life elsewhere, the MidWest is still where I feel culturally most comfortable. But overall I, counterintuitively, actually think Boston/Cambridge was the easiest place to live. I feel like you always know where you stand, and there is a genuineness to encounters there. In classic fashion, I was once walking down the street and got cussed out by a driver while I was crossing a street in the crosswalk when I had right of way, because well...they were a Boston driver. But 3 blocks later I was looking for a place and must have looked confused, because a nice person stopped to help me without my asking. Boston, I swear, has the kindest, biggest-hearted, and rudest people in the country!

I moved to Cambridge from Seattle, and a couple of my Seattle freinds were from NE...and when asked they complained how Seattle was so fake and hard to make friends. I tend to agree, actually.

The person who said the thing about Californians being oblivious was spot on. I totally remember that and really struggling with it when I first moved here from the MidWest. It's like people don't bother to care at all about anyone but themselves. And I remember talking about that with a friend who was a native Californian from Berkeley, and she was like, "That's what I love about California! You don't have to think about anyone but yourself!"

It's pretty interesting how different cultures are across the US. I guess my advice is that now that you can identify what's different, it might be easier to adapt to it or at least tolerate it beause you understand it.. And maybe try to find the upsides as well.

I completely agree on Californians being self obsessed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Portland and Seattle are the worst IMHO. Filled with confused people: uber liberal (which should mean chill and accepting) yet hypersensitive and lacking a great deal of self-awareness despite the constant navel gazing. And I'm an east coast liberal, fwiw.

+1

[Anonymous]

I hate Seattle.com explains it all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Portland and Seattle are the worst IMHO. Filled with confused people: uber liberal (which should mean chill and accepting) yet hypersensitive and lacking a great deal of self-awareness despite the constant navel gazing. And I'm an east coast liberal, fwiw.

Ugh, same here. Lived in Portland for a few years and just couldn't take it anymore. NW natives are so unbelievably passive aggressive, I'm surprised I have any molars left from all the teeth grinding I did. Add in the heaping helpings of self importance and self righteousness they are all filled with and there goes my blood pressure.

So glad to be back here where people will just tell you to f*ck off and be done with it.

It's not surprising to me that the Pacific NW is known as the Serial Killer Capital of the world. Firstly because the people there are truly so bizarrely aggressive/hateful towrrds others, or at least that's a string that seems to run through all social interactions. And secondly because spending time there will make you feel homicidal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:East coaster that worked on the west coast for a min.
It made me so much more aggressive and confrontational. I literally wanted to punch everyone in the face.
But yoga also makes me angry.
So...yeah.

This is what I'm worried about. I recently moved to the Pacific NW and, while i've lived in LA also, people here seem to be be west coast passive aggression x10. Everyone just seems so... easily offended and downright crazy to me. Like something that would be NBD on the east coast becomes a huge deal here. I have a friend who lives in Seattle and she was telling me how, if her cart happens to be in the way of how someone is walking (as in, not blocking the aisle, just on her side of the aisle that they are walking through) instead of going around, they will stop and literally stare at her, like glaring at her, waiting for her to move for them. Having been here, I can totally imagine that. It's a very weird set of social codes that, to me, seems to be built on a bedrock of wanting to feel angry/aggrieved. And... it's working on me! I feel annoyed and upset every time I leave my apartment, which is not a problem I've ever had before. And, of course, I'm a very upfront person, so my instinct is to address it, but any Pacific NWer that I have seen have someone ask about their passive aggression... just denies that this kind of environment exists. It's just "I think everyone is super pleasant"- so you are made out to be crazy.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant. But it worries me because I can feel it make me more of a miserable, confrontational person because of the constant passive aggression over things that are truly so irrelevant and minor. And I worry that I made a huge mistake moving here.

At first I was going to say your friend was lying as I cannot imagine any actual person standing in the middle of the aisle staring at another person instead of walking around.

And then the west coaster chimed in saying your friend was the rude one, proving that I guess that actually is considered normal behavior for some.

All I can say is wow.

This is so funny. I'm giggling. It must be a "cultural cart difference." I'm near San Francisco and if my cart were in the way and I got that look, I'd apologize and move it because it would be considered rude. Most stores have small aisles and tiny carts, so when space is tight it's important to be aware of where you are and how you're impacting those around you. I'd just say excuse me and thank them for moving rather than staring, but if you're in my way, you should move. Even when you go to a more spacious store with wide aisles, most of us are used to following the norms of shopping in small stores, because they're more common.

Another thing I noticed on a grocery store vent thread on dcum is that when we check out here (not sure if it's the entire west coast or just the Bay Area), we put the divider bar on the belt after we put up our groceries. Almost everyone does it. Not sure if it's expected to the point that I'd call it a cultural norm, but it's really common. I saw a thread once complaining that someone expected them to put the divider down after their items were loaded onto the belt and everyone chimed in that the person behind them was entitled. Maybe they were from the west coast

That said, there are rude assholes all across our great land, and I'm not sure which coast has the most. They're probably equally bad in their own ways.

This is so incredible to me. As a native east coaster, I think the vast majority of people would just walk around, if there was any option at all(which, usually, even in a small bodega, you can slide around) because standing there, waiting for the other person to move, comes off as entitled/crazy and also a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

^And to add: I think east coasters believe you should put the divider on the grocery belt too. The difference is, when the person in front of me does not do it, I could not care less and I [b]reach around and do it myself[b].

It seems to me to be both passive aggressive and entitled, to ask someone to do something for you that you could easily do for yourself. And also it seems like starting an issue over nothing, because you've essentially caused an issue/started something over what is a minor, easy to rectify situation.