What kind of a father does this?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would worry less about why your ex is dysfunctional and more about how to shield your child from it.
As PPs have said, at this point it is appropriate for you to gently explain to your son that your ex is angry at you, punishing him and that it's not okay for grownups to act this way. Tell him you're sorry he's hurting, be supportive and get him some therapy. You too.
As for your POS ex....
First, do you have a formal child support and custody agreement with him? If not, it's time to get one ASAP. And be sure to include your concerns about this incident when you're working with a mediator or attorney to formalize the agreements.
Second, manage expectations. Yours and your son's. Your ex has shown that he is unreliable and insensitive. He may never change. What you can change is your reaction to him.
Keep your own conversations with him to a pleasant minimum and have no expectation of him other than him behaving as he has in the past.
Outside of whatever formal visitation you guys come up with, don't promise your son any extra time with dad...even if your ex tells you he's coming.
If it happens, cool. Happy surprise.
If not, he neither knew nor expected it. The damage is lessened because there was no expectation of him coming through in the first place.
You can't control your ex breaking promises, but hopefully with your support and that of a therapist, your son will have support when these things happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's weird. Is it passive-aggressive to get back at you? Does he have visitation and not use it?

Apparently he's stopped completely. Whatever happened he's pretty angry. When OP said she had to do a lot of stuff to facilitate their relationship that was quite telling. I'm guessing he was never crazy about being a dad, perhaps the child wasn't planned. I believe there's more going on here, but it may be ex is tired of being tied down as well. OP said they live very close to her ex so now I'm wondering if he'll move. Otherwise, I don't see how he will be able to avoid the both of them for too long.

OP, are you or ex dating or with other people? I'm wondering if there's some other influences going on with your ex.

You kind of hit the nail on the head. He did not want to be a father and begged me to have an abortion. I wouldn't and made it clear to him that he could totally not be involved if he didn't want to be. He felt that his parents would really be hurt if he abandoned his child so he slowly came around. Just because he didn't want the baby does not mean he got to punish me or our child. I still expected him to act like a responsible adult if he was around our child. That has not happened. I made a huge mistake by allowing to basically be a buddy. I do all of the parenting. He comes over (or used to) 5-6 times a week to play with our son but as soon as he has to be an actual parent he is out of there. The reason I blew up at him was because he did something dangerous. The man is a child who cannot grow up. But there is no situation or emotion that I could (and do) feel for him that would keep me away from my child. Whatever he is feeling towards me is irrelevant. You don't go from nearly daily contact to nothing over night.

As far as dating, i don't see how that is relevant. I have moved on a long time ago and I know he is dating too. That is not why this is happeneing. He had a history of just disappearing when he fucks up. He did it to his best friend in the world when friend's father died. My x did not call him or go to the funeral. Instead of apologizing he blocked the friend, completely. I guess I should have predicted this.

I am not calling him or chasing him down. But when his child runs into him on the street I think I have a right to be upset that his father tries to hide.

OP, you answered the question in your title with this follow-up post.

Did you really mean it when you said he "could totally not be involved if he didn't want to be"? Because I think that's the message he gave you before the birth and continues to give. Did you think that once he saw his beautiful son he would morph into Mr. Family Man? Why do you think he would pursue a relationship with the child he wanted you to abort?

I get it, he's a d!ck. So was my "father." My mother figured this out when I was 18 months old, divorced his abusive ass, and moved me to another state because she realized that having him in my life (or hers) would be very detrimental to me. So she didn't give me a chance to develop a relationship with him, as you have done. Your ex doesn't sound abusive, but please don't downplay the emotional damage that he is doing by rejecting your son. It's unfortunate that you tried to shoehorn this guy into playing Daddy but it's clearly not a role he wants. Yes, in a perfect world, all men would step up to the plate and be the dad their kids deserve, but he is either unable or unwilling to do this. Understandably, your son wants a father, and is sad and confused because this relationship that you have forced isn't happening, because Ex is showing his true colors. Which he told you about before the birth. If I were you, I'd cut him out of my son's life now.

P.S. Before the red-pillers jump in here to tell me how terrible my mother was for denying my sperm donor the chance to be involved in my life: He was worse than I ever imagined, as I discovered when I reconnected with him a few years ago. I got to know his wife and the several children they had together. And he is as abusive and mentally ill as ever. The damage he has done to those kids is irreversible and long-lasting, and I soon saw that I was going to have to cut ties with him to stop him from having any effect on me or my own children. I didn't understand at the time why I never saw him; now I am so, so grateful that he was not part of my life then (or now).

Not every man is father material. I'm sorry that your ex seems to fall into this category.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm going to try to answer the two pp's directly above.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I specifically said to him that he did not have to be involved if he didn't want to be. He insisted that wasn't possible because his parents would never forgive him so he was stuck in an impossible situation. To be perfectly honest, at that moment, I thought the stress of the pregnancy was getting to him and he wasn't really being himself so I thought I'd let him cool off and see how things go. Things never got any better, but every time I tried to pull away he would put a massive guilt trip on me about how our son deserves to know his grandparents, bla bla bla. I admit that I made a huge mistake. I should have done what your mom did and moved away years ago. Honestly, I knew in my gut this would happen but I am a stupid optimist and was hoping for the best. He definitely is not father material and I should have listened 8 years ago. Yes, I would have been the bad guy then, but at least our son would not be going through this today.

He has not had any contact since I've posted originally. I think he is done. His parents have called me and said they'll try to talk to him, but I don't know what could possibly be accomplished.

We do not have formal custody, child support arrangement and at this moment I think that might work in my favor. If I ever want to move, I don't have to go through the courts to get his approval and he will not care enough to initiate the process himself to stop me.

[Anonymous]

Well....since I wrote my last response he showed up at my son's school and created a huge scene. He shouted obscenities at the person that was there to pick up my son (why wouldn't she be???). I called the police because I did not want him taking DS in that state of mind and they told me that there is nothing they can do since we have no custody arrangement.

I need to get a custody agreement in place ASAP. Is there a way to get an emergency one even if it's temporary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things have not been great with my ex but we used to be civil enough. Hell we even went to see his parents together on long weekends. Until recently, when he did something extremely stupid and I blew up at him. Since then, he has stopped calling or answering the phone when our child calls. He does not answer texts. Today he saw our child walking down the street (we live very close to each other) and ran into a store to avoid having to talk him. When he thought that our son had passed by he came out of the store only to stumble right into our son. He mumbled something about "I'll talk to you later" and ran away. WHO DOES THAT??? And I wasn't even there so he had no excuse.

I get that he might not want to talk to me. Whatever, I don't care to ever talk to him either. But who just drops out of a child's life like that with no explanation??? I am so pissed and hurt. I can only imagine what kind of questions I'm going to get from our son when i get home.

My sister was like you with her ex, basically acting like they were still an intact family. He got sick of having her judge him and always having her around when he wanted to be with his kid. Her rules, her way. Something tells me you're very much like her, leave him alone and let him figure it out himself, he doesn't need your analysis or help. And encourage your child to have that one on one relationship with his Dad without your negativity. And, by the way, your an adult and a mother, stop using the word, "whatever." Says a lot about your personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Things have not been great with my ex but we used to be civil enough. Hell we even went to see his parents together on long weekends. Until recently, when he did something extremely stupid and I blew up at him. Since then, he has stopped calling or answering the phone when our child calls. He does not answer texts. Today he saw our child walking down the street (we live very close to each other) and ran into a store to avoid having to talk him. When he thought that our son had passed by he came out of the store only to stumble right into our son. He mumbled something about "I'll talk to you later" and ran away. WHO DOES THAT??? And I wasn't even there so he had no excuse.

I get that he might not want to talk to me. Whatever, I don't care to ever talk to him either. But who just drops out of a child's life like that with no explanation??? I am so pissed and hurt. I can only imagine what kind of questions I'm going to get from our son when i get home.

My sister was like you with her ex, basically acting like they were still an intact family. He got sick of having her judge him and always having her around when he wanted to be with his kid. Her rules, her way. Something tells me you're very much like her, leave him alone and let him figure it out himself, he doesn't need your analysis or help. And encourage your child to have that one on one relationship with his Dad without your negativity. And, by the way, your an adult and a mother, stop using the word, "whatever." Says a lot about your personality.

Whatever....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well....since I wrote my last response he showed up at my son's school and created a huge scene. He shouted obscenities at the person that was there to pick up my son (why wouldn't she be???). I called the police because I did not want him taking DS in that state of mind and they told me that there is nothing they can do since we have no custody arrangement.

I need to get a custody agreement in place ASAP. Is there a way to get an emergency one even if it's temporary?

Why didn't you offer him son first before getting someone else to pick him up? He needs a clear visitation plan since you are withholding child from him. Wouldn't you be angry if someone denied you your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to try to answer the two pp's directly above.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I specifically said to him that he did not have to be involved if he didn't want to be. He insisted that wasn't possible because his parents would never forgive him so he was stuck in an impossible situation. To be perfectly honest, at that moment, I thought the stress of the pregnancy was getting to him and he wasn't really being himself so I thought I'd let him cool off and see how things go. Things never got any better, but every time I tried to pull away he would put a massive guilt trip on me about how our son deserves to know his grandparents, bla bla bla. I admit that I made a huge mistake. I should have done what your mom did and moved away years ago. Honestly, I knew in my gut this would happen but I am a stupid optimist and was hoping for the best. He definitely is not father material and I should have listened 8 years ago. Yes, I would have been the bad guy then, but at least our son would not be going through this today.

He has not had any contact since I've posted originally. I think he is done. His parents have called me and said they'll try to talk to him, but I don't know what could possibly be accomplished.

We do not have formal custody, child support arrangement and at this moment I think that might work in my favor. If I ever want to move, I don't have to go through the courts to get his approval and he will not care enough to initiate the process himself to stop me.

No it will not as he can easily file for a formal custody agreement. If he proves he has had visitation and paid child support, they can stop a move or change custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well....since I wrote my last response he showed up at my son's school and created a huge scene. He shouted obscenities at the person that was there to pick up my son (why wouldn't she be???). I called the police because I did not want him taking DS in that state of mind and they told me that there is nothing they can do since we have no custody arrangement.

I need to get a custody agreement in place ASAP. Is there a way to get an emergency one even if it's temporary?

Why didn't you offer him son first before getting someone else to pick him up? He needs a clear visitation plan since you are withholding child from him. Wouldn't you be angry if someone denied you your child?

Where did you get I was withholding our child from him. This whole thread is about the exact opposite, about HIM stopping to see his son. He showed up at school out of the blue today. Was I supposed to have some telephathic abilities and predict that he would show up today after three months of no contact. Have you even read anything I said?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should consult with a family attorney to understand your rights and what can be done to protect your son's interests, especially because of the recent fiasco at your son's school. Maybe it makes more sense to have a formal custody/visitation schedule in place so that the days/times/locations are prearranged. This way, you can minimize contact with your ex and maybe your ex won't pull any more surprises by suddenly showing up somewhere to see your son. Or, if you are truly worried about your son's safety when he sees his father, maybe an attorney can walk you through your options.

Is there any chance that your ex could pull something really crazy and take off with your son? If he's truly mad at you and wants to hurt you, that's one way to do it. And suddenly showing up at your son's school after having no contact for 3 months sounds fishy to me.

At the end of the day, you can't force your ex to be a father. You can't make him spend time with his child. A decent man who truly loved his child would not abandon him just because he's pissed at the child's mother. What you need to do as the mother is make sure your child is processing this rejection in a healthy way and has a good support system of family and friends who love him. You also need to stop expecting so much of this man and work through whatever emotions you are having toward him so that you can be as clear and levelheaded about this for your son's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well....since I wrote my last response he showed up at my son's school and created a huge scene. He shouted obscenities at the person that was there to pick up my son (why wouldn't she be???). I called the police because I did not want him taking DS in that state of mind and they told me that there is nothing they can do since we have no custody arrangement.

I need to get a custody agreement in place ASAP. Is there a way to get an emergency one even if it's temporary?

Why didn't you offer him son first before getting someone else to pick him up? He needs a clear visitation plan since you are withholding child from him. Wouldn't you be angry if someone denied you your child?

Where did you get I was withholding our child from him. This whole thread is about the exact opposite, about HIM stopping to see his son. He showed up at school out of the blue today. Was I supposed to have some telephathic abilities and predict that he would show up today after three months of no contact. Have you even read anything I said?

You are setting up situations where dad is going to fail. I have read what you said which is really one sided and you have no interest in what others have to say. You clearly don't want dad in your child's life and are doing everything possible to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well....since I wrote my last response he showed up at my son's school and created a huge scene. He shouted obscenities at the person that was there to pick up my son (why wouldn't she be???). I called the police because I did not want him taking DS in that state of mind and they told me that there is nothing they can do since we have no custody arrangement.

I need to get a custody agreement in place ASAP. Is there a way to get an emergency one even if it's temporary?

Why didn't you offer him son first before getting someone else to pick him up? He needs a clear visitation plan since you are withholding child from him. Wouldn't you be angry if someone denied you your child?

Where did you get I was withholding our child from him. This whole thread is about the exact opposite, about HIM stopping to see his son. He showed up at school out of the blue today. Was I supposed to have some telephathic abilities and predict that he would show up today after three months of no contact. Have you even read anything I said?

You are setting up situations where dad is going to fail. I have read what you said which is really one sided and you have no interest in what others have to say. You clearly don't want dad in your child's life and are doing everything possible to make that happen.

Are you the same person who keeps on replying over and over with defenses for the dad with absolutely zero knowledge of the situation? You really have no idea what you are taking about. If you really must know, I moved into the same building as my ex to make it as easy as possible for him to see his son. So whatever issues you have with whatever ex you have, please leave it out of my situation. I have done noting but facilitate this relationship for years. But as others have pointed out, I can't make him want to be a father. I don't know what today's episode was about but I will consult a lawyer tomorrow to formalize the custody arrangement. He has not asked one single time to see his son in the last three months which I would not have denied him, but to show up like he did today is ridiculous. What was he going to do? Take our child and not tell me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should consult with a family attorney to understand your rights and what can be done to protect your son's interests, especially because of the recent fiasco at your son's school. Maybe it makes more sense to have a formal custody/visitation schedule in place so that the days/times/locations are prearranged. This way, you can minimize contact with your ex and maybe your ex won't pull any more surprises by suddenly showing up somewhere to see your son. Or, if you are truly worried about your son's safety when he sees his father, maybe an attorney can walk you through your options.

Is there any chance that your ex could pull something really crazy and take off with your son? If he's truly mad at you and wants to hurt you, that's one way to do it. And suddenly showing up at your son's school after having no contact for 3 months sounds fishy to me.

At the end of the day, you can't force your ex to be a father. You can't make him spend time with his child. A decent man who truly loved his child would not abandon him just because he's pissed at the child's mother. What you need to do as the mother is make sure your child is processing this rejection in a healthy way and has a good support system of family and friends who love him. You also need to stop expecting so much of this man and work through whatever emotions you are having toward him so that you can be as clear and levelheaded about this for your son's sake.

You are 100% right about everything you said. -op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to try to answer the two pp's directly above.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I specifically said to him that he did not have to be involved if he didn't want to be. He insisted that wasn't possible because his parents would never forgive him so he was stuck in an impossible situation. To be perfectly honest, at that moment, I thought the stress of the pregnancy was getting to him and he wasn't really being himself so I thought I'd let him cool off and see how things go. Things never got any better, but every time I tried to pull away he would put a massive guilt trip on me about how our son deserves to know his grandparents, bla bla bla. I admit that I made a huge mistake. I should have done what your mom did and moved away years ago. Honestly, I knew in my gut this would happen but I am a stupid optimist and was hoping for the best. He definitely is not father material and I should have listened 8 years ago. Yes, I would have been the bad guy then, but at least our son would not be going through this today.

He has not had any contact since I've posted originally. I think he is done. His parents have called me and said they'll try to talk to him, but I don't know what could possibly be accomplished.

We do not have formal custody, child support arrangement and at this moment I think that might work in my favor. If I ever want to move, I don't have to go through the courts to get his approval and he will not care enough to initiate the process himself to stop me.

So he doesn't want to be a father, but his parents want to be grandparents. Could that work for you? Unless they are toxic, I think a relationship with grandparents is much better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm going to try to answer the two pp's directly above.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I specifically said to him that he did not have to be involved if he didn't want to be. He insisted that wasn't possible because his parents would never forgive him so he was stuck in an impossible situation. To be perfectly honest, at that moment, I thought the stress of the pregnancy was getting to him and he wasn't really being himself so I thought I'd let him cool off and see how things go. Things never got any better, but every time I tried to pull away he would put a massive guilt trip on me about how our son deserves to know his grandparents, bla bla bla. I admit that I made a huge mistake. I should have done what your mom did and moved away years ago. Honestly, I knew in my gut this would happen but I am a stupid optimist and was hoping for the best. He definitely is not father material and I should have listened 8 years ago. Yes, I would have been the bad guy then, but at least our son would not be going through this today.

He has not had any contact since I've posted originally. I think he is done. His parents have called me and said they'll try to talk to him, but I don't know what could possibly be accomplished.

We do not have formal custody, child support arrangement and at this moment I think that might work in my favor. If I ever want to move, I don't have to go through the courts to get his approval and he will not care enough to initiate the process himself to stop me.

So he doesn't want to be a father, but his parents want to be grandparents. Could that work for you? Unless they are toxic, I think a relationship with grandparents is much better than nothing.

Of course. If his grandparents want to be involved that is totally fine.