stepmother refuses to see anyone while undergoing chemo

[Anonymous]

My husband refused to see people while he was undergoing chemo, including his own mom. Accidentally, our adult son dropped in and the expression on my husband's face was pure pain. I didn't and don't understand, but I recognized the agony in my spouse's face, and after that, I supported his decision. He's an adult and has to make peace with whatever he's going through.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This morning my dad called. Yesterday, the day after my stepmom got home from major abdominal surgery (they removed the tumor, plus ovaries, uterus, and part of her colon and lesions from abdominal wall) he threw out his back horribly and is bedridden, as is she. I just bought a ticket and am flying across country today and will be there tonight. But neither of them are mobile right now and both are in terrible shape. I hope that I can help them and arrange help for them--this is just the start of a long process. Times like this I wished I lived close to home instead of across the country. My mom, who is in her late 70s, also lives alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you understand. While undergoing Chemo your immune system is severely compromised. Therefore the doctors often tell you to stay away from public places, or having too many visitors...especially children. Aside from feeling terrible, that is another reason to avoid visitors. When you're fighting for your life it's not about other people fyi.
My friend who died of lung cancer ignored her doctors and kept getting pneumonia. Actually that's what ended up killing her prematurely.

I don't think OP's issue is with health reasons, but about MIL making her life so small. Chemo is generally on a cycle and many people don't feel terrible the whole time. Perhaps if we asked this friend she'd stick with her choice to live a little before dying. We don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This morning my dad called. Yesterday, the day after my stepmom got home from major abdominal surgery (they removed the tumor, plus ovaries, uterus, and part of her colon and lesions from abdominal wall) he threw out his back horribly and is bedridden, as is she. I just bought a ticket and am flying across country today and will be there tonight. But neither of them are mobile right now and both are in terrible shape. I hope that I can help them and arrange help for them--this is just the start of a long process. Times like this I wished I lived close to home instead of across the country. My mom, who is in her late 70s, also lives alone.

OP. I'm sorry. One bit of advice to take or leave: manage their pills with alarm clocks, and don't wait for them to ask. It is easier to keep things under control than it is to get them back under control. I'm sorry. Also, take this or leave this, but judging by that surgery, my best guesses about what cancer that implies, and what I know about certain abdominal chemos, I question if your MIL's beliefs about her odds of recovery are consistent with the doctor's. I watched my FIL's death be all the harder for him and my MIL because of a disconnect between his beliefs about survival and the treatment he was receiving. I most certainly am projecting, but I urge you to try and get the doctor alone.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about vanity. As a Stage III cancer survivor myself, it was about avoiding the pity, the awkward silences, others breakdowns over my condition. Visitors were more stress than the cancer, not to mention I was immunocompromised for the entire treatment period and the next year. The best thing for me was just to do my treatments and enjoy a more quiet life for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepmother was recently diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Next up is surgery and then 6 months of chemo minimum. She has stated that she refuses to see anyone during this period (aside from my dad) , as she does not want anyone to see her disabled/sick/bald/etc. This is a 70 something woman who has never struck me as vain--in the least--but clearlly there is some pride/fear at work here. She is completely adamant about this and threatened to go elsewhere if my dad disobeyed her and let people see her.

I am not sure how to respond and to be frank, I am sad that she is choosing to spend what may be the last year of her life (prognosis is not great) alone and isolated. WHile she and I have had a rocky relationship, she has been an involved grandparent to my young kids and they would be devastated to never see her again should it come to that.

anyway, just seeking insight here if anyone's gone through anything similar. I'm not sure what to tell my kids or how to help my dad, who will now himself effectively be isolated as well, since he'll need to stay with her most of the time (and they are world travelers with means, so this is unusual).

You simply have to process this is not about you or your kids. She is facing things as she feels is best. And as another poster mentioned, her feelings may evolve. You _must_ defer to her feelings because SHE is the one facing this battle for her life, and she may lose it in the process. There is no guidebook for this stuff, she has to figure it out for herself. Your dad is supporting her wishes, as he should.

The threat to go elsewhere sounds a little over the top, but she is facing her own suffering and death, which is about as over the top as it gets.

So relax and try to trust the process here. I feel your frustration. I lost my mom to cancer and have a good friend about to lose his life. He is stubborn as a mule and I decided to just let him dictate what he wants to do even if it makes no sense. "Let go, let God" kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about vanity. As a Stage III cancer survivor myself, it was about avoiding the pity, the awkward silences, others breakdowns over my condition. Visitors were more stress than the cancer, not to mention I was immunocompromised for the entire treatment period and the next year. The best thing for me was just to do my treatments and enjoy a more quiet life for the time being.

yes yes yes.

Saving the bandwidth for what is useful and helpful.

Good for you PP- Keep Going! WOOT!

[Anonymous]

Chemotherapy varies. I'm certainly in the camp of honoring he wishes of the patient, but also being good relatives if there is depression on top of it. All I want to say here is that chemo and chemo experiences vary.

Chemo really varies. Not all chemo patients are terribly immune suppressed. Many people work part time during the process. I did ban people during all periods when my husband was feeling sick from the chemo, but for about 8 days in every 2 week cycle he was up and around. He worked part time. There are many people on chemo leading full and active lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chemotherapy varies. I'm certainly in the camp of honoring he wishes of the patient, but also being good relatives if there is depression on top of it. All I want to say here is that chemo and chemo experiences vary.

Chemo really varies. Not all chemo patients are terribly immune suppressed. Many people work part time during the process. I did ban people during all periods when my husband was feeling sick from the chemo, but for about 8 days in every 2 week cycle he was up and around. He worked part time. There are many people on chemo leading full and active lives.

Stage III survivor here. It's not really the chemo that varies; it is the type of cancer, the stage, and the grade. Stage IIA cervical cancer is not nearly as invasive as a Stage IIIB (example based on the surgery OPs mom had). They use entirely different drugs. I had 3 different cycles with 3 different drugs. Two of them I could've passed as "just having the flu" for the entire winter. The last one put me in the hospital for the better part of 6 months. That's the one where my skin became patchy and thin, my eyes sunk, I lost weight, I needed constant IV fluids. I tried telecommuting and had to give it up when I was only conscious for a couple hours a day and couldn't focus. I had (and still have) chemo brain where I can't remember basic things. It was my life and question and I would have absolutely cut out anyone who went against my wishes. Don't think you know better and everyone feels better with their friends and family around them. I felt best when I was drugged and not worrying about why you look like you're going to cry sitting in the chair next to me.

[Anonymous]

This has been a helpful thread for perspective. It's probably for the best that your dad is kind of forced to have you come help out now, OP. You can help set up more support for them, since it sounds like it would have been all on your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chemotherapy varies. I'm certainly in the camp of honoring he wishes of the patient, but also being good relatives if there is depression on top of it. All I want to say here is that chemo and chemo experiences vary.

Chemo really varies. Not all chemo patients are terribly immune suppressed. Many people work part time during the process. I did ban people during all periods when my husband was feeling sick from the chemo, but for about 8 days in every 2 week cycle he was up and around. He worked part time. There are many people on chemo leading full and active lives.

Stage III survivor here. It's not really the chemo that varies; it is the type of cancer, the stage, and the grade. Stage IIA cervical cancer is not nearly as invasive as a Stage IIIB (example based on the surgery OPs mom had). They use entirely different drugs. I had 3 different cycles with 3 different drugs. Two of them I could've passed as "just having the flu" for the entire winter. The last one put me in the hospital for the better part of 6 months. That's the one where my skin became patchy and thin, my eyes sunk, I lost weight, I needed constant IV fluids. I tried telecommuting and had to give it up when I was only conscious for a couple hours a day and couldn't focus. I had (and still have) chemo brain where I can't remember basic things. It was my life and question and I would have absolutely cut out anyone who went against my wishes. Don't think you know better and everyone feels better with their friends and family around them. I felt best when I was drugged and not worrying about why you look like you're going to cry sitting in the chair next to me.

No, I meant the chemo (although what chemo you get is a function of what you need). Stage III caregiver here - Mileage varies. That point remains true. Generally speaking, Many people continue to work during the time between infusions, albeit with a lighter schedule. I'm sorry your seem to have gotten a rough draw on symptoms. It sucks. Good luck with the chemo brain. It is a challenge.

Of course, no one should have visitors while feeling crappy or nearly unconscious unless they want visitors. However, the point remains that many people live their lives on the days in between infusions. A Stage IV friend of mine continues to sing in a choir, and another Stage IV friend, since deceased, flew out to visit me on her "good week". You couldn't do this, but we don't know what will happen to MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chemotherapy varies. I'm certainly in the camp of honoring he wishes of the patient, but also being good relatives if there is depression on top of it. All I want to say here is that chemo and chemo experiences vary.

Chemo really varies. Not all chemo patients are terribly immune suppressed. Many people work part time during the process. I did ban people during all periods when my husband was feeling sick from the chemo, but for about 8 days in every 2 week cycle he was up and around. He worked part time. There are many people on chemo leading full and active lives.

Stage III survivor here. It's not really the chemo that varies; it is the type of cancer, the stage, and the grade. Stage IIA cervical cancer is not nearly as invasive as a Stage IIIB (example based on the surgery OPs mom had). They use entirely different drugs. I had 3 different cycles with 3 different drugs. Two of them I could've passed as "just having the flu" for the entire winter. The last one put me in the hospital for the better part of 6 months. That's the one where my skin became patchy and thin, my eyes sunk, I lost weight, I needed constant IV fluids. I tried telecommuting and had to give it up when I was only conscious for a couple hours a day and couldn't focus. I had (and still have) chemo brain where I can't remember basic things. It was my life and question and I would have absolutely cut out anyone who went against my wishes. Don't think you know better and everyone feels better with their friends and family around them. I felt best when I was drugged and not worrying about why you look like you're going to cry sitting in the chair next to me.

No, I meant the chemo (although what chemo you get is a function of what you need). Stage III caregiver here - Mileage varies. That point remains true. Generally speaking, Many people continue to work during the time between infusions, albeit with a lighter schedule. I'm sorry your seem to have gotten a rough draw on symptoms. It sucks. Good luck with the chemo brain. It is a challenge.

Of course, no one should have visitors while feeling crappy or nearly unconscious unless they want visitors. However, the point remains that many people live their lives on the days in between infusions. A Stage IV friend of mine continues to sing in a choir, and another Stage IV friend, since deceased, flew out to visit me on her "good week". You couldn't do this, but we don't know what will happen to MIL.

NP here. Yes, there are various drugs that comprise chemo. Obviously not all kinds of chemo drugs lead to hair loss. My sister was told by her doctors to work and keep busy so as to take her mind off of things. She kept her regular work schedule, commuting on public transportation downtown. She really only had two or three days out of every cycle (for her, every 3 weeks) that she felt really badly, and unlike the Stage III survivor (congrats to you, btw!), was in excellent health and condition. You couldn't tell she was doing chemo except for her hair loss. She went to NYC concerts and Broadway shows, sports games, etc.

The reason why my sister didn't want to see anyone was that she couldn't deal with managing their own fears about cancer in addition to her own. She said she felt like she had to be the source of comfort for people worried about her, which she found mentally exhausting. Physically she was fine, but emotionally needed to isolate herself a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about vanity. As a Stage III cancer survivor myself, it was about avoiding the pity, the awkward silences, others breakdowns over my condition. Visitors were more stress than the cancer, not to mention I was immunocompromised for the entire treatment period and the next year. The best thing for me was just to do my treatments and enjoy a more quiet life for the time being.

yes yes yes.

Saving the bandwidth for what is useful and helpful.

Good for you PP- Keep Going! WOOT!

Yes...I was going to say the same thing.

I went through treatment for breast cancer too. Sure, there was a little vanity on my part - but they make really great real hair wigs these days that I took to my hairdresser to have cut/colored just like my hairstyle.

I am a very social person and I too found myself avoiding social occasions because people don't know what to say to you/how to talk to you. The look of pity or discomfort on their faces was something I was happy to avoid. It was exhausting helping everyone else get the reassurance THEY needed to deal with my cancer diagnosis.

That said. Her feelings may evolve as she goes through treatment. I didn't find it to be nearly as awful as I was expecting it to be.

Some great friends bought me gorgeous false eyelashes to wear (sephora) and chipped in to buy me a very expensive/attractive wig. I always wore my wig because I wanted to look as normal as I could specifically to avoid questions from people. The other parents at our DD's school had no idea that I was going through treatment - which was fine with me.

Give her the space she needs and see how things go for her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. the good news is that I was able to hire someone who will drive, run errands, shop, clean the basics.

The bad news is that things were very, very difficult. I flew out the same day to find my father bedridden with pain--my stepmom was in better shape, in some ways. his is temporary, but for the moment debilitating. He is likely to have surgery in a few weeks.

I also came to a house that was out of control cluttered. They have always had a big problem with this--there is not any space that is not covered with stuff but this was the worst I'd seen it. The kitchen table was entirely covered with papers, newspapers, books, magazines, enpty boxes, receipts, letters, doodads, etc, but you couln't put a cup down. The floors were covered with stuff too. So, on the second day I spent a couple hours cleaning just that one area: put away things, cleaned out frig, took out tons of recyling, wiped surfaces, gathered all the plastic bags together, etc. Put all the dog food/treats/meds in a bin since the dog is away for the time being. I also cleaned the books and newspapers off the kitchen table and just piled up the rest of the stuff on one side, leaving half the table clear for eating. I did this in part because I did not want the prospective helper/housekeeper to be completely freaked out and because I know its piled up because they haven't been able to deal with it.

Sometime that night my stepmother came in, saw that the table had been cleared up, and flew into a rage. She was convinced that I threw stuff out (I didn't), looked through her papers (I didn't) and invaded her territory (I guess I did--although it is my dad's home too). She evidently was up all night screaming at my father, and told him to tell me to leave and that I had had done something unforgiveable. She also started screaming at him for being unreliable--he was supposed to take care of her and now he's the one needing help; she threatened divorce, not to do chemo, to move out, etc.

I left the house the next morning but stayed around a few more days to help my dad, hire help, and run errands but I am very worried. She has always been prone to irrational rages and being around her is like walking on eggshells. My dad acknowledges that her behavior can be emotionally abusive but he says that he's used to it, and its only sometimes and she gets over it fast usually. I dont really care about her anger toward me (I'm used to the irrational rages and i view it as terribly sad) but I am very worried about the impact on my father. His back is stress related (and due to sitting in a hospital chair 8 hours a day for a week holding her hand) and currently she is being very angry toward him. She is facing a terrible prognosis (stage 3c cancer) and obviously the stress and grief and rage is at some level understandable. I get that she needs to go through this process on her own terms, but I feel like she is cutting off my dad's few sources of support now too--he's not only got an operation coming up but is still in the yearly review stage for cancer himself (4 years out though).

I asked my dad if he thought that she would soften or change her mind and he said that he wasn't sure but she essentially implied that she never wanted to see me again. So for the time being I will go out there again and stay in a hotel and help out but I can't be in the house.

[Anonymous]

oh OP, I am so sorry.