Reply to stepmother refuses to see anyone while undergoing chemo

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. the good news is that I was able to hire someone who will drive, run errands, shop, clean the basics.

The bad news is that things were very, very difficult. I flew out the same day to find my father bedridden with pain--my stepmom was in better shape, in some ways. his is temporary, but for the moment debilitating. He is likely to have surgery in a few weeks.

I also came to a house that was out of control cluttered. They have always had a big problem with this--there is not any space that is not covered with stuff but this was the worst I'd seen it. The kitchen table was entirely covered with papers, newspapers, books, magazines, enpty boxes, receipts, letters, doodads, etc, but you couln't put a cup down. The floors were covered with stuff too. So, on the second day I spent a couple hours cleaning just that one area: put away things, cleaned out frig, took out tons of recyling, wiped surfaces, gathered all the plastic bags together, etc. Put all the dog food/treats/meds in a bin since the dog is away for the time being. I also cleaned the books and newspapers off the kitchen table and just piled up the rest of the stuff on one side, leaving half the table clear for eating. I did this in part because I did not want the prospective helper/housekeeper to be completely freaked out and because I know its piled up because they haven't been able to deal with it.

Sometime that night my stepmother came in, saw that the table had been cleared up, and flew into a rage. She was convinced that I threw stuff out (I didn't), looked through her papers (I didn't) and invaded her territory (I guess I did--although it is my dad's home too). She evidently was up all night screaming at my father, and told him to tell me to leave and that I had had done something unforgiveable. She also started screaming at him for being unreliable--he was supposed to take care of her and now he's the one needing help; she threatened divorce, not to do chemo, to move out, etc.

I left the house the next morning but stayed around a few more days to help my dad, hire help, and run errands but I am very worried. She has always been prone to irrational rages and being around her is like walking on eggshells. My dad acknowledges that her behavior can be emotionally abusive but he says that he's used to it, and its only sometimes and she gets over it fast usually. I dont really care about her anger toward me (I'm used to the irrational rages and i view it as terribly sad) but I am very worried about the impact on my father. His back is stress related (and due to sitting in a hospital chair 8 hours a day for a week holding her hand) and currently she is being very angry toward him.  She is facing a terrible prognosis (stage 3c cancer) and obviously the stress and grief and rage is at some level understandable. I get that she needs to go through this process on her own terms, but I feel like she is cutting off my dad's few sources of support now too--he's not only got an operation coming up but is still in the yearly review stage for cancer himself (4 years out though).

I asked my dad if he thought that she would soften or change her mind and he said that he wasn't sure but she essentially implied that she never wanted to see me again. So for the time being I will go out there again and stay in a hotel and help out but I can't be in the house. [/quote]

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