stepmother refuses to see anyone while undergoing chemo

[Anonymous]

My stepmother was recently diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Next up is surgery and then 6 months of chemo minimum. She has stated that she refuses to see anyone during this period (aside from my dad) , as she does not want anyone to see her disabled/sick/bald/etc. This is a 70 something woman who has never struck me as vain--in the least--but clearlly there is some pride/fear at work here. She is completely adamant about this and threatened to go elsewhere if my dad disobeyed her and let people see her.

I am not sure how to respond and to be frank, I am sad that she is choosing to spend what may be the last year of her life (prognosis is not great) alone and isolated. WHile she and I have had a rocky relationship, she has been an involved grandparent to my young kids and they would be devastated to never see her again should it come to that.

anyway, just seeking insight here if anyone's gone through anything similar. I'm not sure what to tell my kids or how to help my dad, who will now himself effectively be isolated as well, since he'll need to stay with her most of the time (and they are world travelers with means, so this is unusual).

[Anonymous]

Her feelings on this may evolve. Keep reaching out without overstepping her boundaries and she may relax. Send her little video greetings from the kids. Send her well wishes. She's going through something terrible and trying to figure it out. If you're "with" her as she does so, she may let you in. You could even get one of those storybooks that let you record audio and have your kids read to her and/or ask her to record messages for the kids. Perhaps imagine that she's far away and you're sending love across a geographical distance. Don't let her weirdness keep you from supporting her.

[Anonymous]

Start by being supportive. She may change her mind, and will remember those who tried to support her, even if you disagree, vs. those who start by trying to talk her out of it. Try sending things to her- reminders that you miss her, and are thinking of her. Hopefully, as she becomes more familiar with the treatment (maybe she's also scared of germ exposure) she will be reassured that spending time with family is actually encouraged. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her feelings on this may evolve. Keep reaching out without overstepping her boundaries and she may relax. Send her little video greetings from the kids. Send her well wishes. She's going through something terrible and trying to figure it out. If you're "with" her as she does so, she may let you in. You could even get one of those storybooks that let you record audio and have your kids read to her and/or ask her to record messages for the kids. Perhaps imagine that she's far away and you're sending love across a geographical distance. Don't let her weirdness keep you from supporting her.

+1
Sometimes the idea of something is very scary and you react prematurely.

[Anonymous]

My father basically never saw my children the last 3 years of his life because he would get sick and it took 6 months to recover.

I don't like people around when I am sick. I am not vain or proud or fearful, I am just very self sufficient and I don't enjoy the help, it does not make me feel better.

I would appreciate food, cleaners, flowers (but with chemo that might make me sick), nice pajamas, comfy clothes, etc. I am not saying this is what she would appreciate, but you could have somebody that is closer with her get a list of things she would like.

Take her H out to lunch/dinner/etc. once a month.

[Anonymous]

Just some thoughts here,

We all experience diagnoses and grief differently, although fairly recently cancer is seen as a "battle/fight/invader" in which one is to combat and actively fight against.

You're immediately told about participating in cancer fundraisers and affiliated charities and the idea is to bring your loved ones into "the fight." Make your needs known! Update everyone via social media/blogs. Have your needs made public, have meals delivered, have your house cleaned thorough sign up apps.

My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1967 when the word cancer was whispered. Even family members who inquired were told it was "female-related" or something equally vague. My grandmother's cancer treatment (a radical mastectomy) was curative, but coincided with a relocation, a chance to start over and tell no one of her breast cancer. I found out details only decades later as a teen.

I'm thrilled that we no longer have to hide or whisper or move to avoid talking bout cancer, but not everyone wants a public display. Sometimes, a serious diagnosis moves us to a place of introspection and we crave privacy.

I have a childhood friend who experienced death of a toddler under tragic circumstances. She's become a very public grief advocate and encourages people to reach out to the grieving - in the days and months following her child's death, she craved companionship and activity and appreciated legions of people, some strangers, visiting and writing and delivering flowers and meals. To my cousin, under similar circumstances, she went inward. She needed quiet and rest and lots of time to cry and scream, alone.

All that said, there's no right way. My FIL is undergoing treatment for melanoma. He is otherwise a devoted grandfather but a few times a year, he has a heavily bandaged face or is in the midst of what amounts to a heavy chemical peel. We just don't see him while he recovers. He says he's vain and doesn't want to scare the grandkids. It's ok.

[Anonymous]

Give her time to deal with this recent news. It's a normal reaction but will likely change over time. Don't argue with her but simply offer to help in any way you can especially if you have had a rocky relationship. Chemo can significantly effect how someone feels and looks and having others see you that way can be very upsetting especially to young children.

[Anonymous]

Just keep offering and asking what you can do to help. My grandmother was like that and she didn't want anyone to see her either.

[Anonymous]

That's OK. Help around the edges. You don't need to *see* her.

[Anonymous]

She has a right to deal with things in her own way. You see and hear about the people who need to reach out, because they make themselves seen and heard. You don't hear about or see those people (and there are plenty) who need to withdraw and are helped by being given privacy and dignity to deal with things. We must respect that.

Since they have means, they can and should hire someone to help out. You can help by reaching out and being supportive to your dad. Just because your stepmother feels the way she does now doesn't mean she'll stay this way.

[Anonymous]

Also she will be immune compromised
MYOB

[Anonymous]

I don't think you understand. While undergoing Chemo your immune system is severely compromised. Therefore the doctors often tell you to stay away from public places, or having too many visitors...especially children. Aside from feeling terrible, that is another reason to avoid visitors. When you're fighting for your life it's not about other people fyi.
My friend who died of lung cancer ignored her doctors and kept getting pneumonia. Actually that's what ended up killing her prematurely.

[Anonymous]

Respect her wishes! Who are you to question her?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is the same, except she has ALS so we know for sure she will die and die soon (probably within a year). All offers to help, have her move in with us, us move in with her, etc., have been rebuffed. She asked for 4 months to try one last guru effort of vitamins and healthy food a la Steve Jobs mentality because some wise guy told her he could cure her. But we had to let her do it. It got to the point where we considered having her deemed legally mentally incompetent, but when we really thought about it, she was mentally clear, as is your stepmother (presumably) and faced with one's own mortality it can be a huge shock. There can be denial, withdrawal, etc., but at the end of the day it's their decision to make, their independence, their autonomy.

Being able to see your stepmother really is about you, and your children. The world doesn't revolve around what your kids want. I don't mean to be harsh, but it is. Step aside. Be the rock for your father to lean on, check on him, reach out to your step mother via emails, texts, calls. Let her know whenever she's ready you'll be ready. My MIL kept her promise for 2 weeks before she called asking us to visit her for Christmas. It was on her terms. Let your step mother dictate hers. Sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

As someone who went through chemo, I urge you to be more compassionate. When I first got the diagnosis and treatment plan , I was much like your stepmother. I didn't want people to see me sick, vulnerable, frail, etc. Because normally I'm the opposite. I didn't want to have to deal with the constant asking how I am, etc. I'm a private person by nature and chemo strips you of all privacy (couldn't even go to the grocery store without having people look at me after I'd lost my hair).

That said, as treatment went on, I found out who my close friends were. They were the ones who reached out to DH or sent me an email but didn't treat me differently. They were the ones who helped DH . And those were the ones who I let into my life during treatment.

Let your stepmother handle this how she needs to. Be there for your dad.