DH doesn't give me space when we argue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH have major issues. Neither of you is right or better. You both are seriously messed up.

Op here: I recognize my issues, i-e i need to learn to communicate when im angry instead of shutying down. But i am not okay with my DH not allowing me time to cool down, which escalates the fight and him chasing me around the house from room to room wheh. Im trying to get away

I posted above re: communicating when you're upset and getting counseling.

We were exactly the same, but opposite. Meaning he would shut down and I felt abandoned when he did, so I would try everything I could to connect, only to push him away more. Obvi we never learned appropriate conflict resolution skills. A good counselor can help, but both parties have to be willing to forgive the bad behavior and put in the work to make changes. Good luck.

This is exactly our dynamic, but reverse, im the distancer and hes the pursuer, the more he tries to connect, the more it pushes me away. We have an appt for counseling in a few days. Thanks for sharing

[Anonymous]

You like drama and deep inside you know this. It will not end well.

[Anonymous]

You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous poster. Excellent post, PP. My DH and I had the same dynamic and it took a lot of therapy but we're working through it. OP, you got a lot of nasty responses. Try to ignore them. Do follow through on the counseling. It can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the previous poster. Excellent post, PP. My DH and I had the same dynamic and it took a lot of therapy but we're working through it. OP, you got a lot of nasty responses. Try to ignore them. Do follow through on the counseling. It can help.

Thank you, we have an appointment this weekend. Looking forward to it. DH and I haven't talked since the last fight, when we tried talking the day after we couldnt understand each other, so i told him to wait til we see the therapist because it seems we are unable to fix this alone

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

This post was very helpful, unlike many of the previous posts. My husband and I have a similar dynamic, but in reverse. I know that if my husband was able to articulate that he was mad but would be willing to communicate once he calmed down that would go a long way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist

This times a million. I also had this dynamic and it took some time but we've built enough trust to give space and circle back in the time we promised.

OP, I would stop focusing on what you aren't getting (space) and try to see how you can meet his needs while getting what you need.

[Anonymous]

Op here- i have been reading a lot about adult attachment in the past few days and that has helped me understand what is going on so much better. I took the test and my attachment style is Dismissive Avoidant while his is Anxious Preoccupied. The combination of our 2 attachment styles is the worst combination for couples from what I read as our needs are opposite . Therapy was the only recommendation for people in this predicament, but reading the articles helped me understand what goes into his mind when he is needy, clingy and anxious about everything, it is more of a biological reaction that is wired in him and the opposite is true for me as well

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist

This times a million. I also had this dynamic and it took some time but we've built enough trust to give space and circle back in the time we promised.

OP, I would stop focusing on what you aren't getting (space) and try to see how you can meet his needs while getting what you need.

[Anonymous]

OMG! Op I think you just made me realized, in additional to other reasons, why I broke up with my ex. I think he was like you (shutting down and mute ) and I was like your husband ( speaking-up ). I actually learned something about myself from reading this thread. Note to self, I'm going to pay close attention to this type of behavior when I'm dating. I prefer a man that communicates like me and doesn't shut down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG! Op I think you just made me realized, in additional to other reasons, why I broke up with my ex. I think he was like you (shutting down and mute ) and I was like your husband ( speaking-up ). I actually learned something about myself from reading this thread. Note to self, I'm going to pay close attention to this type of behavior when I'm dating. I prefer a man that communicates like me and doesn't shut down.

This is a great point.

People are very different when they argue.

I have been saying this for years. Your husband's insecurities put him in a position where he can't relax until he knows that the argument is resolved, because he feels as though each argument is going to be the one that finally pushes you over the edge and you leave him. You walking away simply reinforces that.

However, you know yourself and know that when you are angry, that you can't have a rational conversation, therefore, you walk away.

You need individual counseling. He needs to work on his insecurities and fears. You need to learn how to communicate when you get angry.

Once you all can get those issues sorted out, then go to couples counseling to work on your relationship.

Although - I would argue that the only issue in your relationship is that you are opposites when it comes to fighting for your own personal reasons and there is nothing wrong with your relationship itself. If you two can go to individual counseling and work on the issues that make you fight the way you do - it would intrinsically solve your relationship issues.

I was like this. I was the chaser - because of insecurity and fear. I did counseling on my own - and as I became more confident, less insecure, our relationship really became much better. I realized that it wasn't my girlfriend's responsibility to take care of me when I was feeling insecure - it was my responsibility to not be insecure.

[Anonymous]

Are you just walking away or are you saying, "I'm angry and I need some space."