Reply to DH doesn't give me space when we argue

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[quote=Anonymous]You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.[/quote]

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