DH doesn't give me space when we argue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will inevitably end with divorce because you are mainly focusing on what your husband is doing and his failings and not owning any of yours. It's classic and therapy won't work because you are not being humble enough to see your part in any of this. It's just your husband's neediness, but for that -- everything would be great! Not true. You have your own issues, your inability to accept this fact, and your willingness to assign all blame to your husband points to your marriage imploding at some indeterminate point in the future.

It's not about what happened, alone. It's not about him, alone. It's about you, him, and everything in between these two points. You are comfortable pointing out his failings, but your inability to examine yours is going to be your downfall.

Did you even read any of my posts or did you just skim through? Even my opening post started with' this is the problem i have' - OP

Yes, but the entire thread's theme is focused on your husband's failings. Not yours.

[Anonymous]

Reread my 1st post, i pretty much started the thread talking about me and my shortcomings, the purpose of the thread wasn't me so I dont know what ure expecting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG! Op I think you just made me realized, in additional to other reasons, why I broke up with my ex. I think he was like you (shutting down and mute ) and I was like your husband ( speaking-up ). I actually learned something about myself from reading this thread. Note to self, I'm going to pay close attention to this type of behavior when I'm dating. I prefer a man that communicates like me and doesn't shut down.

This is a great point.

People are very different when they argue.

I have been saying this for years. Your husband's insecurities put him in a position where he can't relax until he knows that the argument is resolved, because he feels as though each argument is going to be the one that finally pushes you over the edge and you leave him. You walking away simply reinforces that.

However, you know yourself and know that when you are angry, that you can't have a rational conversation, therefore, you walk away.

You need individual counseling. He needs to work on his insecurities and fears. You need to learn how to communicate when you get angry.

Once you all can get those issues sorted out, then go to couples counseling to work on your relationship.

Although - I would argue that the only issue in your relationship is that you are opposites when it comes to fighting for your own personal reasons and there is nothing wrong with your relationship itself. If you two can go to individual counseling and work on the issues that make you fight the way you do - it would intrinsically solve your relationship issues.

I was like this. I was the chaser - because of insecurity and fear. I did counseling on my own - and as I became more confident, less insecure, our relationship really became much better. I realized that it wasn't my girlfriend's responsibility to take care of me when I was feeling insecure - it was my responsibility to not be insecure.

This is spot on, i completely agree with you. Thank you, -OP

I can't agree with the bolded above. The fact that they are fighting so much shows there is absolutely something wrong...it's not JUST about their individual reactions to fighting...it's the fighting itself. What do you fight about? Arguing as much as you describe sounds like a really awful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will inevitably end with divorce because you are mainly focusing on what your husband is doing and his failings and not owning any of yours. It's classic and therapy won't work because you are not being humble enough to see your part in any of this. It's just your husband's neediness, but for that -- everything would be great! Not true. You have your own issues, your inability to accept this fact, and your willingness to assign all blame to your husband points to your marriage imploding at some indeterminate point in the future.

It's not about what happened, alone. It's not about him, alone. It's about you, him, and everything in between these two points. You are comfortable pointing out his failings, but your inability to examine yours is going to be your downfall.

Did you even read any of my posts or did you just skim through? Even my opening post started with' this is the problem i have' - OP

Yes, but the entire thread's theme is focused on your husband's failings. Not yours.

You're wrong, PP. OP has been very honest in repeating her failings. And I think her husband sounds like a controlling bully who doesn't care to understand his wife's needs. His clingy, stalking behavior would be a major turn off for me. If you don't have kids, you really need to examine whether this marriage is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.

Actually, locking someone in a room is abusive behavior.

Reading comprehension might be off here - but I don't think anyone said anything about locking someone in a room...

If anything - she said she locked herself in the room - the husband simply unlocked the door and came in... which pissed her off so she pushed him - which she admits is wrong... but she said she does it because she is raging.

He needs to respect her boundaries and he needs to figure out that she just needs time to cool off and relax - not that the relationship is going to end because of 30 minutes of not fighting.

Op here, let me clarify. There were 2 incidents:

-Incident 1: im trying to leave the bedroom, he stands in front of me and walk backwards and stands right in front the door. I ask him to move out of the doorway so i can exit the room, 3or 4 times, dont remember he refuses. I approach the doorway, he puts his hands out and hold the walls, i push him to get away.

Incident2: I asked him to leave the room multiple times, he refuses, i leave room, he follows me, i locked myself in the 2nd bedroom as I got there faster. He unlocks it from outside and tries to get in the room, im holding the door from inside trying to push it shyt, he puts his arm in and blocks the door from closing. Im on the other side yelling' keep ur arm away', keep ur arm out and hes repeating ' u will have to break my arm, but im not moving it away'. I finally give up at that point as i dont want to break his arm by pushing the door, and he got in the bedroom

Your husband sounds frightening and it's only a matter of time before he turns into a physical abuser. And his insecurity must be so emasculating for him...sooner or later, OP, he's going to disgust you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you just walking away or are you saying, "I'm angry and I need some space."

At the beginning of the relationship, i used to just shut down, then we talked abput it multiple times when we are both sober and not angry, and I explained to him that when i need space or shut down when im angry, it has nothing to do with the relationship. Its about my incapacity to have a rational conversation when im in that state so i need a minute to process my thoughts, so now sometimes i tell him'give me some time or not now' and he will say' just give me 10 min, which turns into 20 min 30 min of just him talking, n me sitting there mute, n when its overwhelming i ask him to leave me alone and he refuses, he wants us to talk about it then n now. If im at work, he will text, if i dont respond he will call my cell, then my deskphonr, call back cell ect, 10+ missed calls from him in a row is not unusual

Sounds like you might have an issue with alcohol too. Are you having these arguments when you're both drunk? No wonder no one is acting like a rational person.

[Anonymous]

Most of the fights are about little things tbh and do not escalate to this level, i probably should have used the word 'disagreements', they usually last a few minutes, and we move on
f

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG! Op I think you just made me realized, in additional to other reasons, why I broke up with my ex. I think he was like you (shutting down and mute ) and I was like your husband ( speaking-up ). I actually learned something about myself from reading this thread. Note to self, I'm going to pay close attention to this type of behavior when I'm dating. I prefer a man that communicates like me and doesn't shut down.

This is a great point.

People are very different when they argue.

I have been saying this for years. Your husband's insecurities put him in a position where he can't relax until he knows that the argument is resolved, because he feels as though each argument is going to be the one that finally pushes you over the edge and you leave him. You walking away simply reinforces that.

However, you know yourself and know that when you are angry, that you can't have a rational conversation, therefore, you walk away.

You need individual counseling. He needs to work on his insecurities and fears. You need to learn how to communicate when you get angry.

Once you all can get those issues sorted out, then go to couples counseling to work on your relationship.

Although - I would argue that the only issue in your relationship is that you are opposites when it comes to fighting for your own personal reasons and there is nothing wrong with your relationship itself. If you two can go to individual counseling and work on the issues that make you fight the way you do - it would intrinsically solve your relationship issues.

I was like this. I was the chaser - because of insecurity and fear. I did counseling on my own - and as I became more confident, less insecure, our relationship really became much better. I realized that it wasn't my girlfriend's responsibility to take care of me when I was feeling insecure - it was my responsibility to not be insecure.

This is spot on, i completely agree with you. Thank you, -OP

I can't agree with the bolded above. The fact that they are fighting so much shows there is absolutely something wrong...it's not JUST about their individual reactions to fighting...it's the fighting itself. What do you fight about? Arguing as much as you describe sounds like a really awful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Thats whats scaring me, im afraid this could potentially end in a domestic violence situation

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

mshakespeare wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.

Actually, locking someone in a room is abusive behavior.

Reading comprehension might be off here - but I don't think anyone said anything about locking someone in a room...

If anything - she said she locked herself in the room - the husband simply unlocked the door and came in... which pissed her off so she pushed him - which she admits is wrong... but she said she does it because she is raging.

He needs to respect her boundaries and he needs to figure out that she just needs time to cool off and relax - not that the relationship is going to end because of 30 minutes of not fighting.

Op here, let me clarify. There were 2 incidents:

-Incident 1: im trying to leave the bedroom, he stands in front of me and walk backwards and stands right in front the door. I ask him to move out of the doorway so i can exit the room, 3or 4 times, dont remember he refuses. I approach the doorway, he puts his hands out and hold the walls, i push him to get away.

Incident2: I asked him to leave the room multiple times, he refuses, i leave room, he follows me, i locked myself in the 2nd bedroom as I got there faster. He unlocks it from outside and tries to get in the room, im holding the door from inside trying to push it shyt, he puts his arm in and blocks the door from closing. Im on the other side yelling' keep ur arm away', keep ur arm out and hes repeating ' u will have to break my arm, but im not moving it away'. I finally give up at that point as i dont want to break his arm by pushing the door, and he got in the bedroom

Your husband sounds frightening and it's only a matter of time before he turns into a physical abuser. And his insecurity must be so emasculating for him...sooner or later, OP, he's going to disgust you.

[Anonymous]

I meant sober from anger, fight, ect. We both do not drink

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you just walking away or are you saying, "I'm angry and I need some space."

At the beginning of the relationship, i used to just shut down, then we talked abput it multiple times when we are both sober and not angry, and I explained to him that when i need space or shut down when im angry, it has nothing to do with the relationship. Its about my incapacity to have a rational conversation when im in that state so i need a minute to process my thoughts, so now sometimes i tell him'give me some time or not now' and he will say' just give me 10 min, which turns into 20 min 30 min of just him talking, n me sitting there mute, n when its overwhelming i ask him to leave me alone and he refuses, he wants us to talk about it then n now. If im at work, he will text, if i dont respond he will call my cell, then my deskphonr, call back cell ect, 10+ missed calls from him in a row is not unusual

Sounds like you might have an issue with alcohol too. Are you having these arguments when you're both drunk? No wonder no one is acting like a rational person.

[Anonymous]

We dont have kids together, but he has 2 from his previous marriage and I have one from my previous marriage as well. I agree with you that maybe just moving on now is healthier, i just want to make sure ive tried everything first. Id feel horrible puting the kids thru divorce again a 2nd time after they 're finally settled into this new routine

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this will inevitably end with divorce because you are mainly focusing on what your husband is doing and his failings and not owning any of yours. It's classic and therapy won't work because you are not being humble enough to see your part in any of this. It's just your husband's neediness, but for that -- everything would be great! Not true. You have your own issues, your inability to accept this fact, and your willingness to assign all blame to your husband points to your marriage imploding at some indeterminate point in the future.

It's not about what happened, alone. It's not about him, alone. It's about you, him, and everything in between these two points. You are comfortable pointing out his failings, but your inability to examine yours is going to be your downfall.

Did you even read any of my posts or did you just skim through? Even my opening post started with' this is the problem i have' - OP

Yes, but the entire thread's theme is focused on your husband's failings. Not yours.

You're wrong, PP. OP has been very honest in repeating her failings. And I think her husband sounds like a controlling bully who doesn't care to understand his wife's needs. His clingy, stalking behavior would be a major turn off for me. If you don't have kids, you really need to examine whether this marriage is worth it.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married to him OP?
I agree that there is a real possibility of this escalating to domestic violence. And it's going to be you who gets hurt. He's setting you up. No one blocks someone in a room or unlocks a room that someone locked themselves in without knowing full well they're escalating the situation and pushing buttons. He's as much a part of this unhealthy dynamic as you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a nightmare.

And yes, you do sound like an abuser. Part of the abuser mentality is to make the victim feel like they are just "playing" the victim and that everything is their fault. You have serious issues.

Blocking someone's exit is abusive.

Agree. Both are toxic people.

[Anonymous]

We've been married for 8 months

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.

Sure it was, although his actions are false imprisonment, not kidnapping most likely. False imprisonment = unlawful restraint of a person against her will by someone without legal authority or justification. He has no reason not to let her out of a room. And there is a legal justification of using force to escape. If you're falsely imprisoned, you can use reasonable force to escape the confinement. So you're pretty much wrong on all counts.

That being said, this isn't about tort law. It's about a relationship that's gone off the rails, and counseling is in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married for 8 months

Oh holy hell, abort, abort! If this is how you all act 8 months in, this is doomed. Seriously. I rarely say that, but this is not how people act who have been recently married.