Reply to DH doesn't give me space when we argue

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[quote=Anonymous]Op here- i have been reading a lot about adult attachment in the past few days and that has helped me understand what is going on so much better. I took the test and my attachment style is Dismissive Avoidant while his is Anxious Preoccupied. The combination of our 2 attachment  styles is the worst combination for couples from what I read as our needs are opposite . Therapy was the only recommendation for people in this predicament, but reading the articles helped me understand what goes into his mind when he is needy, clingy and anxious about everything, it is more of a biological reaction that is wired in him and the opposite is true for me as well

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.[/quote]

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist[/quote]

This times a million. I also had this dynamic and it took some time but we've built enough trust to give space and circle back in the time we promised.

OP, I would stop focusing on what you aren't getting (space) and try to see how you can meet his needs while getting what you need.[/quote][/quote]

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