Anyone else still madly in love with their husband?

[Anonymous]

I used to be pretty smug about my marriage -- really thought we were invincible and never envied anyone else's marriage. Not saying we are in trouble now but I can suddenly see that (for a lot of us) it's no cakewalk to take a happy marriage to 10, 20 years and beyond.

[Anonymous]

18:30 here. I've been married for 13 years. My parents are celebrating their 50th soon. No cakewalk there, either. They had their dark days. They are still/once again/whatever in love. The people who claim to be madly, desperately and completely in love 10, 20, 30 years in and to have never hit a bump in the road? That just doesn't ring true to me based on some of the long marriages I've seen. My in-laws have been married for 45 years and now live largely separate lives because they were too busy pretending everything was perfect while the kids were still around.

[Anonymous]

*18:39*

[Anonymous]

I think this all goes back to character of your partner. I hate to say this but the guys who were running around when you were dating (girls who did this for the lesbian members of DCUM or dads of DCUM or gay dads..had to make the tent for everyone , or leering at other women when you were dating, or caught in "lies" while you were dating..they don't change. My dad (married 45 plus years) told me once when I was crying over a guy that I was dating who..was running around..that if you are unhappy in the dating stage when you have no responsibilities or trauma, you have no prayer in marriage. Marriage is tough but the rewards are worth the payoff and if you are lucky you will meet someone who wants to be by your side through the good and the bad..that is wonderful. I have seen my parents bury their parents (one grandparent still alive), go through financial problems, kid problems but the always seems to weather the storm with good attitude. I wish that for everyone and to also define what is "madly" in love?? For some it's wanting to jump in bed and for others it is that quiet feeling of happiness when you see your partner at the end of the day.

For me yes I am madly in love but can't say I am so interested in sex right now--I want to lose about 20 pounds so that is me not feeling sexy but I am happy to get in bed for a snuggle and I feel the warm and fuzzies when my husband is trying to be romantic since it definitely doesn't come easy but his trying more than makes up for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get so sad reading the threads about struggling marriages and mothers who are dealing with husbands who don't "get it."

When I think about it, most of my friends are in very comfortable, companion-like marriages with flashes of romance. A few are struggling or in a predictable and apparently acceptable cycle of friendship and mutual ignoring when they're pissed.

I'm still utterly smitten with my husband and by all appearances, it's mutual. Really can't resist kissing him, miss him just as much as DD when we part ways each morning, and never tire of spending time together, to the point where he has to push me out the door for "girl time" with my buddies. I get all mushy when I roll over and see him sleeping next to me.

Our daughter is 5; I can't imagine all of this changing and hope it doesn't.

Am I alone here?

OP, I would say that after almost 20 years I am more in love with my husband than I even was at the beginning. Because now I've gotten to see him as a husband, a father, and my rock through a lot of things we've been through together. I think time opens your eyes - whether for better or worse. But I will say that one thing I've learned during these years is that you shouldn't judge/pity/admire anyone else's relationship, because unless you are one of the 2 people in it you really have no idea. Not matter how close you are with one of the people, no matter how much they might seem to reveal to you. Relationships that seem ideal often aren't, and ones that seem mediocre are often the ones that survive happily to the end. So be grateful for your marriage, know that no, of course you are not alone, but focus only on yours because yours is the only one you really know anything about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm one of those women who's very happily married, but even so, i find the attitude from those gloating about their great marriages and the pity they feel for all those people in miserable marriages very distasteful and childish. just be happy you have a happy marriage and tell your husband how you feel, but i can assure you that announcing such sentiments to others comes across as very irritating and pointless.

I agree. And, to the why is it not ok poster . . .because it's gloating. It's rubbing other peoples' noses in it. It's unrequested pity.
Glad you folks are happy (as am I) but it's a bit self-congratulatory and distasteful to post as you do. Especially when done while referencing other people's misery. Yuck.

no one is rubbing noses. I suspect you are not happy, despite your insistance. No one is feels pity to their face. This is an online mesage board, not sure if you are new to the world of the internet, but 75% of what is said on these type forums are words and thoughts never actually muttered from someone's mouth.

i fee sorry for someone with a HHI under 100k/yr. Would I tell you that to your face? No. I feel sorry for people who can't take nice vacations too.

I would LMAO if you said this to my face. This may be surprising, but I would feel sorry for you for thinking this. My DH works his ass off in a job he adores that just happens to be low-paying. Same goes for me. We haven't had a real vacation in 4 years, and yet...we are very happy. I can't imagine anyone feeling sorry for us. I feel sorry for orphans, old people who no one tales care of, families who can't feed their kids, and the terminally ill. Give your pity--and, hopefully, some of that $100k + salary--to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i'm one of those women who's very happily married, but even so, i find the attitude from those gloating about their great marriages and the pity they feel for all those people in miserable marriages very distasteful and childish. just be happy you have a happy marriage and tell your husband how you feel, but i can assure you that announcing such sentiments to others comes across as very irritating and pointless.

I agree. And, to the why is it not ok poster . . .because it's gloating. It's rubbing other peoples' noses in it. It's unrequested pity.
Glad you folks are happy (as am I) but it's a bit self-congratulatory and distasteful to post as you do. Especially when done while referencing other people's misery. Yuck.

no one is rubbing noses. I suspect you are not happy, despite your insistance. No one is feels pity to their face. This is an online mesage board, not sure if you are new to the world of the internet, but 75% of what is said on these type forums are words and thoughts never actually muttered from someone's mouth.

i fee sorry for someone with a HHI under 100k/yr. Would I tell you that to your face? No. I feel sorry for people who can't take nice vacations too.

I would LMAO if you said this to my face. This may be surprising, but I would feel sorry for you for thinking this. My DH works his ass off in a job he adores that just happens to be low-paying. Same goes for me. We haven't had a real vacation in 4 years, and yet...we are very happy. I can't imagine anyone feeling sorry for us. I feel sorry for orphans, old people who no one tales care of, families who can't feed their kids, and the terminally ill. Give your pity--and, hopefully, some of that $100k + salary--to them.

Amen to that. Particularly since I know several couples with high incomes, fabulous vacations, and...emotionally bankrupt lives/abuse/awful relationships/etc. No one would know what was behind that pretty facade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not "still madly" in love with my DH. I am newly in love again with my DH. We have had some real struggles. Not financial, not health, not anything but our own issues and a real adjustment to having kids. We are equal partners in a lot of ways. We both work. Many of the struggles on ths board do not fit our lives, but we had plenty of them.

Just a few months ago, I decided I would have to divorce him. I found myself sobbing as I drove home several nights - not because I thought he was so great, but because I thought it was so incredibly sad that we failed, that the dreams we had together woudl all now be gone. I would be fine, the kids would be as fine as kids can be in that situation, but our lives would be forever altered. I was advised by many caring professionals and friends, and we had tried counseling several times. This was not something I was throwing away lightly.

I decided, before pulling the trigger, to take a few months to step back and to put the struggles of the past behind us. I even told him I wanted to just move forward and acknoledge that things had been rough but that we should move forward and not dwell. We should make the lives we wanted to have.

So far, it's working. I see anew what he does for us, fo rme and the kids. I see his patience when I am not, and try to extend the same to him. I think he has grown as a person. He has recently refocused on working out and being healthy, so he has a smoking hot bod. Not quite sure I am yet "madly" in love, but now I see sitting on the porch in a rocker with this guy in about 30 years.

thanks for this. gives me hope. what did you do to start anew?

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread...

I have a very happy marriage...most days are good, a few days are bad and I like those numbers.

What confounds me is that amount of "you are SO lucky" comments I get. There ain't no luck in a good marriage, at least not in mine. What you are looking at is 15 years (7 years dating, 8 years married) of some love, lots of work, tons of communication, changed priorities, growing the hell up, forgiveness, laughter, support, support, support, and taking a hard look at MYSELF. The only luck is that I met him. Otherwise, I proudly OWN my marriage as a product of hard work, persistence, and yes, LOVE. Not goopy, needy, BS love, but a deep system of support and trust/love.

Does everyone who is happily married work on it like I do? I don't know. Maybe.

Does everyone who divorces NOT work on their marriage? Don't know. Maybe.

Anyone resentful of someone else's happiness is insecure, and likewise for someone who needs to keep putting their unparalleled happiness out there. If you know yourself, you are not jealous of others, nor do you seek the approval of others.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 11 years and it is not hard work. We get along wonderfully and have never had a fight. We bicker sometimes, but that is about it. The first time I introduced him to my mom, I'll never forget, she told me that I would be a stupid fool if I let him go. She was right. If my husband could build me the Taj Mahal, I've no doubt he would. It is apparant to everyone who knows us that he is madly in love with me and i with him. I know if he died, I would never ever remarry, nobody could possibly measure up to the standard he has set. I'd rather be alone than be treated any less.

I know our relationship is very rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married 11 years and it is not hard work. We get along wonderfully and have never had a fight. We bicker sometimes, but that is about it. The first time I introduced him to my mom, I'll never forget, she told me that I would be a stupid fool if I let him go. She was right. If my husband could build me the Taj Mahal, I've no doubt he would. It is apparant to everyone who knows us that he is madly in love with me and i with him. I know if he died, I would never ever remarry, nobody could possibly measure up to the standard he has set. I'd rather be alone than be treated any less.

I know our relationship is very rare.

A couple years ago, I would have said the same thing. I thought we had the most blissful relationship. I was adored and pampered, plain and simple. And I appreciated him for it, in dozens of ways, or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when he announced after 10 years that I was selfish, controlling etc etc and that all his friends told him he was "whipped". I never asked for any of the princess treatment, and I thought I reciprocated. For some reason, he started seeing things differently, and now I'm one of the objects of the OP's pity.

I have no doubt that your husband was happy to set that lofty standard all those years ago. I hope he remains happy maintaining it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married 11 years and it is not hard work. We get along wonderfully and have never had a fight. We bicker sometimes, but that is about it. The first time I introduced him to my mom, I'll never forget, she told me that I would be a stupid fool if I let him go. She was right. If my husband could build me the Taj Mahal, I've no doubt he would. It is apparant to everyone who knows us that he is madly in love with me and i with him. I know if he died, I would never ever remarry, nobody could possibly measure up to the standard he has set. I'd rather be alone than be treated any less.

I know our relationship is very rare.

A couple years ago, I would have said the same thing. I thought we had the most blissful relationship. I was adored and pampered, plain and simple. And I appreciated him for it, in dozens of ways, or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when he announced after 10 years that I was selfish, controlling etc etc and that all his friends told him he was "whipped". I never asked for any of the princess treatment, and I thought I reciprocated. For some reason, he started seeing things differently, and now I'm one of the objects of the OP's pity.

I have no doubt that your husband was happy to set that lofty standard all those years ago. I hope he remains happy maintaining it.

it goes both ways, I spoil him too!

Give any man good sex even after 3 children 5-6xs a week and it is amazing how happy they remain. I think our healthy sex life is a sign that something is definitly clicking. He has friends and they talk, so he is well aware that our frequency is not the norm. I know they talk b/c it has gotten back to me from my friends to tell my husband to STFU about it because it causes them conflict at home.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this post. I am happily married (most days anyway!) but we've only been together 4 years. For some reason, I've been hearing about a lot of unhappy marriages recently - these are couples who have been together 25+ years. It makes me nervous because I wonder if things will change down the road.

One piece of advice I received from someone in an unhappy marriage is to make sure you always communicate. So I guess I would pass along that advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

thanks for this. gives me hope. what did you do to start anew?

Honestly? I gave up on the idea of being "madly" in love. I decided instead to try for pleasant enough. It grew from there. Who knows? Maybe someday it will be madly again, like when we were first dating. I wasn't even madly in love when we got married; I had seen already by that time that things weren't as I expected them to be, but I went ahead anyway (my mom trained me to think all relaitonship problems were my fault; took years of therapy to fix that one!) It seemed stupid to call off a wedding over a little this, a differing expectation that. It wasn't until we had kids that I saw that those were indeed warning signs. We would not still be together if he had not also grown and changed and dealt with some stuff. It really does take two.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for starting the thread, OP. Great post. It's ridiculous that people want to bash you for having a good marriage. Lots of bitterness for some here. Thanks again.