My Mom favors my sister-how to deal?

[Anonymous]

I am 17:08 and just read thru the questions of the other pp above. Good questions for op. As another pp, I could tell something was different when I was younger, but the relationship with mom / family really went downhill when I was the only one who could not have kids. Was always the odd person out favored by dad, but after not having kids and gaining weight the exclusion really hit hard in my 40s. In my case, all the hurt took on new dimension when she and I could not have a family of our own...this was the only one I get. So, can get how the situation could escalate for both the op and for her family this late in the game.

[Anonymous]

Should have been "when DH and I..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a mirror image:

My MIL had 4 sons. Two of them were married with kids. Another was the baby of the family. My husband was the other one: not married, no kids, not the baby.
She moved to be closer to her grandchildren and would call my husband and talk about practically nothing but what the grandkids did, with a little bit of what his brother bought, what his wife demanded, what his other brother bought, what this wife did, etc.

And the thing is, my husband never saw this as favoritism in any way. He saw that the joy of his mother's life was caring for her grandchildren. That in doing so, naturally, she was thrown in with those of her sons and DILs who had kids. This created closer bonds between them, and it was nobody's fault.

Then I had kids with my husband. By that time my MIL's health was failing. She sent money, but couldn't shop for gifts or interest herself greatly in her littlest grandkids.

And I still don't see that as favoritism. It's not her fault we had kids much later than her other sons.

Maybe the difference is that these are sons dealing with their mother, instead of daughters. Maybe my MIL has been really decent all her life and it still shows, whereas your mother has shown in multiple subtle ways that she actually doesn't like you? I don't know.

But think about it.

Clearly, you and your husband are such good people! Far better than OP. We all applaud your sainthood. Take a bow.

[Anonymous]

OP here-thank you for all your responses! I appreciate them. I particularly liked the suggestions about finding activities that are neutral that we both can share-hopefully that's doable. Just wanted to respond to a few things:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably too sensitive. And speaking as a mom who has a DD who is also, it really his very tiring and quite frankly annoying. I can see how as a mom, once a kid like this gets to adulthood there is a certain sense of relief and the feeling of being done.

I think you might be projecting some of the issues with your DD onto me. I admittedly can be sensitive about things but I don't think it's pathological. I've been able to maintain long relationships with my husband and good friends plus I'm not someone who gets involved in interpersonal dramas at work, with acquaintances, with in-laws, etc-if I really was that sensitive I think I'd have trouble maintaining relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think a lot of this is actually tied up in your grief over infertility. I understand and have been there. For me, I ended up having kids almost 15 years after my sister. By then, my sister's kids were surly teenagers and I got to have the adorable, grandparent-loving little kids. My parents now definitely spend more time with me and I spend more time with them than my sister does. It's all about seasons of life. Good luck.

OP again-yes, probably some of this is tied into the infertility. I really think if I had a kid my mother and I would have a closer relationship. However, I am in my mid 40's and am not able to have biological kids and for various reasons my husband and I have decided not to pursue adoption...after years and years of infertility treatments we are tapped out and ready to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read a book on mothers and it boiled down to, they are not going to be around much longer so don't get too bogged down with their faults.

-1,000 I'm sorry but being old doesn't give you a free pass on all of the crappy things you've done. It's like saying, "Oh, well, that guy who abused children is in his 80s now. He's not going to be around longer, so just get over it!"

A lot depends on the severity of the treatment and the damage it has done.

If your mother has caused you long-term suffering and misery and continues to do so with toxic behavior, then it's difficult not to get "too bogged down with it."

I have a friend whose mother pulled some manipulative stuff. Here's what she did. She cut ties with her mother for a significant portion of time. Having space from her mother enabled her to truly let go of the hurt and the pain because she wasn't constantly dealing with more nonsense from her mom. After several years, she was able to reconnect with her mother and establish a cordial relationship with very strong boundaries.

I think the only reason it worked is that she did get that space from her mom. It's similar to the PP who said she moved 2,000 miles away.

Part of the problem with moving forward is that you are dealing with two things. (1) you are still grappling with the baggage of all of the past hurt and pain caused by your mother and (2) you are caught in a cycle of current bad treatment. So it's impossible to work through the old stuff when there is a constant onslaught of new stuff.

Take a break from your mother. Get some space in order to work through and let go of things. When you start to feel a sense of relief, reconnect in very basic ways and with very clear boundaries. Don't try to be close or share personal things. Just reestablish a very cordial arms-length relationship.

OP again-thank you. That's very true re: the problem with moving forward. I like the idea of taking some space and then trying to reconnect in basic ways (maybe through activities like some other PP's have suggested) and with boundaries. I really think this is the best approach -I'm going to give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 17:08 and just read thru the questions of the other pp above. Good questions for op. As another pp, I could tell something was different when I was younger, but the relationship with mom / family really went downhill when I was the only one who could not have kids. Was always the odd person out favored by dad, but after not having kids and gaining weight the exclusion really hit hard in my 40s. In my case, all the hurt took on new dimension when she and I could not have a family of our own...this was the only one I get. So, can get how the situation could escalate for both the op and for her family this late in the game.

OP here again (sorry-I'm sure there's a way to combine all of my responses into one big post but I can't figure out how to do it). Thank you-yes, it's hitting me harder now that I'm in my 40's and things are more final in terms of not having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister who felt unloved. Every time she got with my mom it was like a test. Am I getting as much stuff? Why don't you call me more often? Eventually my mom got worn down with it, though she overcompensated by spending lavishly on my sister and her family. I'm the one that was closer to my mom emotionally but it means I got totally stuck with most of the eldercare and now that she's gone, my sister's resentment keeps the two of us from being close. Believe me, I've tried, but as we're both older, constant rehash of "mom didn't love me as much as you" aren't very sustaining.

OP here-this is why I don't involve my sister with my issues re: my Mom. I don't get into "Mom didn't love me as much" conversations with her because it's not my sister's fault or issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cried about this last night. I called my mom as I always do and she spoke of a wedding that she is paying for all three other siblings to attend. She didn't mention once to fly me out (not that I expect it or would take it) or even say can you attend? Then she even told me she wants to fly out the nieces and beep heed and their significant others too.

It hurts and maybe I need therapy or a Valium because I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

This is the OP-I'm really sorry that you are struggling. I think getting some therapy would be helpful...I probably need to go back to therapy myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a mirror image:

My MIL had 4 sons. Two of them were married with kids. Another was the baby of the family. My husband was the other one: not married, no kids, not the baby.
She moved to be closer to her grandchildren and would call my husband and talk about practically nothing but what the grandkids did, with a little bit of what his brother bought, what his wife demanded, what his other brother bought, what this wife did, etc.

And the thing is, my husband never saw this as favoritism in any way. He saw that the joy of his mother's life was caring for her grandchildren. That in doing so, naturally, she was thrown in with those of her sons and DILs who had kids. This created closer bonds between them, and it was nobody's fault.

Then I had kids with my husband. By that time my MIL's health was failing. She sent money, but couldn't shop for gifts or interest herself greatly in her littlest grandkids.

And I still don't see that as favoritism. It's not her fault we had kids much later than her other sons.

Maybe the difference is that these are sons dealing with their mother, instead of daughters. Maybe my MIL has been really decent all her life and it still shows, whereas your mother has shown in multiple subtle ways that she actually doesn't like you? I don't know.

But think about it.

It's great that your husband was okay with things, and that you don't see your MIL's behavior as favoritism. But it is actually favoritism. Favoritism is when someone favors one person over the other. Given MIL only ever talked about the other kids and their wives and showed little interest in your husband, she clearly favored the other sons.

What you are saying is that you think the favoritism was justified in that the sons had the things she liked the best at that time. And that's fine that your husband sees it that way and is okay with the favoritism, but that doesn't mean that other people should be okay with it from a parent.

It's hurtful when a parent blatantly and obviously takes an interest in one's sibling's life but not in the other sibling's life. It is sometimes made worse when the favored sibling is aware of it and even sort of rubs it in. But it's the parent who enables that.

What if you hadn't been able to have children and MIL's health wouldn't have faltered? What if then MIL would've been constantly talking to you about how great her other sons are for having kids? This is the kind of dynamic that occurs in many instances. It isn't just that the parent favors one sibling. It's that the parent favors one sibling and makes the other feel inadequate. That's a difficult thing to take from a parent. Even as an adult, feeling rejected by your mother is a painful thing.

Personally, my belief is that OP needs to be honest with herself. If this is continuing to bother her and cause her pain and she can't just "get over it," then she needs some space from her mother. The only way she'll make peace with it is to have a break from her mother, to kind of become okay with not having a mother. Then, eventually, she'll be able to reestablish a relationship with her mother without any expectation -- without the need to have the mother's acceptance or approval or love.

This is the OP-thank you. I hope I can get to that point (not needing or wanting approval/love from her).

[Anonymous]

Don't have kids, because she won't get better. Be clear with your sister that Mom is her problem not yours. That's the pro and con of being the favorite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few questions, if you don't mind? Do you ever see your mom, maybe you included that, but I missed it. Do you only see her at holidays? Does she buy you a Christmas/holiday presents? How often do you talk on the phone? Never, once a month? Weekly? It is certainly not fair that she favors your sister, and emotional part is hard. What about your Dad? Is he around? Does he have favorites? Are you his favorite? Was your sister sick as a child? Sometimes parent will favor that child, doesn't excuse it. Is your mom abusive verbally, sounds like you might be a bit verbally difficult. I am not trying to justify your mother's preference, but since you are in your 40s, it is unusual that you haven't accepted this and are at peace with it, hence my questions.

At most I see my Mom ever few months; sometimes several months go by. We talk on the phone about once every 3-4 weeks-I usually initiate contact (I used to call her more often). I see her on holidays if my husband and I aren't spending time with his family (we alternate). My father abandoned my sister and I when we were small children-he and my Mom divorced, he moved away, got remarried and started another life without us...when I was in my 20's I reached out to try to re-initiate a relationship with him but it didn't go anywhere...neither my sister or I have any contact with him at this point...he has major mental health and substance abuse issues. No, my Mom isn't verbally abusive-she's just distant towards me. I admittedly was a difficult teenager-very rebellious (older boyfriends, teen drinking, had sex early) although I never was in legal trouble. My sister was always the better behaved, less angry child-she was (and still is) a big people pleaser...I think genetically she's also just a happier person. I struggled with mental health and to some degree alcohol problems when I was in my teens and early 20's....she was the good kid and I was the problem child. I got my shit together in my mid to late 20's, though and once I finished college at 22 have never asked (or received) any money from my mother so it's not like she had to bail me out financially or anything like that. I am sure that the distance between us today in part has to do with my adolescent behavioral issues-I have acknowledged many times that I was difficult and created problems...I've apologized and she has said she accepts my apology. When my sister and I were kids, my Mom always provided for us but she was checked out emotionally. Oh-another part of the reason I think we aren't closer is because in addition to having similar interests and the grandchildren in common, my Mom and my sister have always looked very much alike while I look more like my father.

My Mom is the only parent I have-I think that and probably because of unresolved anger re: the infertility is probably why I still haven't accepted it/made peace with it. I don't know, though...I hope I can make peace/accept things someday. I can work on it although it's not easy. I've long accepted the situation with my father but I wouldn't say I feel at peace about him if that makes any sense.

Thanks again for all of the responses-they were appreciated and I definitely have reflected on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cried about this last night. I called my mom as I always do and she spoke of a wedding that she is paying for all three other siblings to attend. She didn't mention once to fly me out (not that I expect it or would take it) or even say can you attend? Then she even told me she wants to fly out the nieces and beep heed and their significant others too.

It hurts and maybe I need therapy or a Valium because I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Cut her off! She must be getting high on your pain.
How mean to rub it in your face. Please set strong boundaries.
Old, crazy people. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation. Moved 2000 miles away- problem totally solved.

So did I. My sister acidic behavior towards me was the main problem and still is at 50. It is very difficult and hurtful to cut off a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is in similar situation. MIL and his brother are very close and they often leave him out of things. Luckily, being a man, he does not mind it as much. BIL is pretty much a confirmed bachelor. I tell DH that's good thing. He can take care of her in her old age.