My Mom favors my sister-how to deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few questions, if you don't mind? Do you ever see your mom, maybe you included that, but I missed it. Do you only see her at holidays? Does she buy you a Christmas/holiday presents? How often do you talk on the phone? Never, once a month? Weekly? It is certainly not fair that she favors your sister, and emotional part is hard. What about your Dad? Is he around? Does he have favorites? Are you his favorite? Was your sister sick as a child? Sometimes parent will favor that child, doesn't excuse it. Is your mom abusive verbally, sounds like you might be a bit verbally difficult. I am not trying to justify your mother's preference, but since you are in your 40s, it is unusual that you haven't accepted this and are at peace with it, hence my questions.

At most I see my Mom ever few months; sometimes several months go by. We talk on the phone about once every 3-4 weeks-I usually initiate contact (I used to call her more often). I see her on holidays if my husband and I aren't spending time with his family (we alternate). My father abandoned my sister and I when we were small children-he and my Mom divorced, he moved away, got remarried and started another life without us...when I was in my 20's I reached out to try to re-initiate a relationship with him but it didn't go anywhere...neither my sister or I have any contact with him at this point...he has major mental health and substance abuse issues. No, my Mom isn't verbally abusive-she's just distant towards me. I admittedly was a difficult teenager-very rebellious (older boyfriends, teen drinking, had sex early) although I never was in legal trouble. My sister was always the better behaved, less angry child-she was (and still is) a big people pleaser...I think genetically she's also just a happier person. I struggled with mental health and to some degree alcohol problems when I was in my teens and early 20's....she was the good kid and I was the problem child. I got my shit together in my mid to late 20's, though and once I finished college at 22 have never asked (or received) any money from my mother so it's not like she had to bail me out financially or anything like that. I am sure that the distance between us today in part has to do with my adolescent behavioral issues-I have acknowledged many times that I was difficult and created problems...I've apologized and she has said she accepts my apology. When my sister and I were kids, my Mom always provided for us but she was checked out emotionally. Oh-another part of the reason I think we aren't closer is because in addition to having similar interests and the grandchildren in common, my Mom and my sister have always looked very much alike while I look more like my father.

My Mom is the only parent I have-I think that and probably because of unresolved anger re: the infertility is probably why I still haven't accepted it/made peace with it. I don't know, though...I hope I can make peace/accept things someday. I can work on it although it's not easy. I've long accepted the situation with my father but I wouldn't say I feel at peace about him if that makes any sense.

Thanks again for all of the responses-they were appreciated and I definitely have reflected on them.

This will never get better - you (and your behavior/issues as a child/teen) remind her of your dad. Has she ever admitted that to you?

[Anonymous]

OP, you can minimize contact without a grand-stand and drama. Just get too busy to meet or talk beyond usual pleasantries. I'm sorry things are the way they are. Frankly, I'd be at least relieved to have an out of elder care when the time comes. Every cloud should have its silver lining. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just cried about this last night. I called my mom as I always do and she spoke of a wedding that she is paying for all three other siblings to attend. She didn't mention once to fly me out (not that I expect it or would take it) or even say can you attend? Then she even told me she wants to fly out the nieces and beep heed and their significant others too.

It hurts and maybe I need therapy or a Valium because I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

Cut her off! She must be getting high on your pain.
How mean to rub it in your face. Please set strong boundaries.
Old, crazy people. You deserve better.

+1

[Anonymous]

I feel exactly the same way, OP, except my parents actually moved to the city where my sister lives to be closer to her. I feel your pain. I'm just dealing with it. I do get upset, especially because I would love to live closer to them, but my DH refuses to move there (funny, he doesn't see how unfair it is not to live near my family when he says that will take him away from his family who are still a 4-5 hour drive from us).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are probably too sensitive. And speaking as a mom who has a DD who is also, it really his very tiring and quite frankly annoying. I can see how as a mom, once a kid like this gets to adulthood there is a certain sense of relief and the feeling of being done.

[Anonymous]

Statistically this perception of not being the favorite is harboured by just about every person with a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Do you think that parental love should be unconditional? What if you are a criminal? What if you are Jeffery Dahmer? It is easier to love a child who is a nice person than a child who is a trouble-maker. You did everything that broke her heart - alcholol, sex, what not - and now you want her to connect with you in what way?

There are all kinds of griefs where children are concerned. When people don't have children they grieve, when people lose their child they grieve, and when people have children who are trouble makers they grieve. She has distanced herself from you because you will drag her down. That is just the way you have trained her to cope with you. So, you are getting the parent you deserve.

[Anonymous]

OP how is it going? I’m having issues with my mom favoring my sister, and I found this thread. My mom moved from the middle of the country to the west coast to be near my sister 9 years ago. I’m here in DC. Last weekend, my mom told me that she moved to be with my sister so she could help with grandkids. I’m not sure what prompted her to share this with me, but it really upset me. My sister is now 40. She never had kids and I doubt she will. I’m a couple years older, and also never had children for many reasons. In any event, my mom makes dinner every weekend for my sister and BIL and does a ton of stuff for them (even picks up my BILs dry cleaning). I would not want my mom to pick up my dry cleaning. However, my mother does nothing for me and the whole situation hurts my feelings.

Mom is in her late 70s. She won’t change. I call her regularly out of respect and I guess neediness. I don’t want to cut her off, but maybe it’s time to stop calling her regularly. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who was constantly whining about the fact that our mom didn't love her as much as the others. She became very adept at using his to screw money and gifts out of mom.

You're a grown woman. You mother enjoys being a grandmother. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister who was constantly whining about the fact that our mom didn't love her as much as the others. She became very adept at using his to screw money and gifts out of mom.

You're a grown woman. You mother enjoys being a grandmother. Get over it.

Thanks for your input. I’m assuming you’re responding to the post directly above. My mom isn’t a grandmother. My sister never had children.

My mom doesn’t give me gifts or money, and I’ve never tried to get those from her.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a person who doesn't ever let anything be, or leave things alone. Or have understanding that older people like to talk about themselves and things they know, kids, families,etc. Your constant attempt to right the wrong is misguided at this point in your and your mom's life. At certain point most people learn that somethings are not worth fighting over. They realize that their elderly parents have their versions and stubbornly stick to it. It isn't right and your version might be 100%right, but your mom's version is her valid version too. It seems pointless to me that you are still pursuing this issue after so many years. That is where your problem is. Why? Why I have you not realized that this is a futile endeavor? I learned to cope with very similar mom, except she favored my younger sister since sister was born, and I was two years old. And I tried the same as you, with the same result. So I stopped.

[Anonymous]

It’s possibke she’s insecure around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read a book on mothers and it boiled down to, they are not going to be around much longer so don't get too bogged down with their faults.

That's sounds like a book written by a shitty mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read a book on mothers and it boiled down to, they are not going to be around much longer so don't get too bogged down with their faults.

-1,000 I'm sorry but being old doesn't give you a free pass on all of the crappy things you've done. It's like saying, "Oh, well, that guy who abused children is in his 80s now. He's not going to be around longer, so just get over it!"

A lot depends on the severity of the treatment and the damage it has done.

If your mother has caused you long-term suffering and misery and continues to do so with toxic behavior, then it's difficult not to get "too bogged down with it."

I have a friend whose mother pulled some manipulative stuff. Here's what she did. She cut ties with her mother for a significant portion of time. Having space from her mother enabled her to truly let go of the hurt and the pain because she wasn't constantly dealing with more nonsense from her mom. After several years, she was able to reconnect with her mother and establish a cordial relationship with very strong boundaries.

I think the only reason it worked is that she did get that space from her mom. It's similar to the PP who said she moved 2,000 miles away.

Part of the problem with moving forward is that you are dealing with two things. (1) you are still grappling with the baggage of all of the past hurt and pain caused by your mother and (2) you are caught in a cycle of current bad treatment. So it's impossible to work through the old stuff when there is a constant onslaught of new stuff.

Take a break from your mother. Get some space in order to work through and let go of things. When you start to feel a sense of relief, reconnect in very basic ways and with very clear boundaries. Don't try to be close or share personal things. Just reestablish a very cordial arms-length relationship.

So OP,

You can either get bogged down in resentment like the second poster, or you can take the advice of the first poster and free yourself.

There is some really good parenting advice "Parent the child you have, not the child you want."

Try that advice with roles reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how is it going? I’m having issues with my mom favoring my sister, and I found this thread. My mom moved from the middle of the country to the west coast to be near my sister 9 years ago. I’m here in DC. Last weekend, my mom told me that she moved to be with my sister so she could help with grandkids. I’m not sure what prompted her to share this with me, but it really upset me. My sister is now 40. She never had kids and I doubt she will. I’m a couple years older, and also never had children for many reasons. In any event, my mom makes dinner every weekend for my sister and BIL and does a ton of stuff for them (even picks up my BILs dry cleaning). I would not want my mom to pick up my dry cleaning. However, my mother does nothing for me and the whole situation hurts my feelings.

Mom is in her late 70s. She won’t change. I call her regularly out of respect and I guess neediness. I don’t want to cut her off, but maybe it’s time to stop calling her regularly. Any advice?

You sister is probably involved in trying to start a family.