My Mom favors my sister-how to deal?

[Anonymous]

Radical acceptance and boundaries. That is what you do. You have to accept things as they are no matter how unfair it is. You cannot control your mom or make her show more love. All you can is find the right boundaries so you can have a relationship and not feel pained. You need to spend more time doing things you enjoy and less time falling back into a role you hate. You already tried to work on things many times which is good. She has made it clear she does not care that much.

I have the same situation and I spent so many years being the point person for elderly stuff and feeling like she didn't appreciate any of it and no matter how much I did I would not earn the love i wanted. Finally I stopped my pity party and I backed up. I backed up until I found my comfort zone. I focused on pleasing those who loved me back.

Now I am detached enough and have enough space I see how insane the whole dance was my whole life. She is just a person I hold space for in my heart and try to be in touch with, but I no longer give her any power over me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have kids, because she won't get better. Be clear with your sister that Mom is her problem not yours. That's the pro and con of being the favorite.

No, it never works out this way. The childless person will be the default caretaker BECAUSE they don't have kids and have the bandwidth. Kids are the get out of jail free card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother openly favors and is closer to my sister. They have more in common with each other plus my sister has three kids and (due to infertility) I have none. My mother was not "Mother of the Year" towards either of us growing up but is a very loving and attentive grandmother-this in addition to the fact that they are just more alike has made my sister and mother very close over the past several years. They frequently see other without including me and when my mother bothers to contact me all she can talk about is herself, the grandkids and my sister. I have tried on multiple occasions to work on our relationship but get nowhere. My mother does not understand why I feel hurt re: her lack of interest in my life-she says that I'm too sensitive, that she doesn't know what I'm talking about (even when I give concrete examples), etc. When we do talk or see each other she says that she loves me but honestly she doesn't even really know much about my life at this point...she doesn't know the name of the company I've worked for over 10 years, doesn't seem to be interested in what I actually do professionally, etc. Admittedly, I am not good at "faking it" and sometimes my resentment/hurt/anger comes through and I end up snapping at her or getting emotional which just makes things worse-I become the "bad guy." After years of feeling rejected, I'm at the point now where I really don't want to see her or deal with her but cutting her off would create lots of family drama and would cause a rift between my sister and I (we aren't close, either, but I have good relationships with my niece and nephews and the issue isn't with my sister...it's with my Mom). My mother is 75 and even though my sister is much closer to her I don't feel like it's fair for her to get saddled with all of the elder care issues that will eventually arise (my Mom is very healthy and active at this point and could pass for 65...it's not an issue right now but will be at some point). While my mother wasn't the best and while I don't feel much love towards her at this point (as horrible as that may sound) she provided for us, wasn't abusive, helped pay for college, etc....it's not like she's a monster, she's just distant and disinterested (towards me). If I had kids I think things would be different to some extent but I'd still be a distant second to my sister. I don't know...not sure what to do at this point...any suggestions? Do I just suck it up and fake it on the rare occasions when I do interact with her? Do I reach out to her even though I hardly ever hear from her? How do I get over feeling so hurt? I've thought about trying to enlist my sister and asking her for help with this but it's not fair to put her in the middle plus she's so tight with my Mom at this point I don't think it would go over well.

Similar situation here. I moved 8 hours away. I don't need that sh-- thrown in my face every day. My sister is, frankly, not as smart or successful (I'm no Jeff Bezos but do well enough and have a very strong work ethic; my sister dropped out of college after a semester and has worked retail ever since), and she's lazy. I know that sounds mean but I'm over sugar coating it. I don't care what she does with her life but she has been favored by my mother BECAUSE of her failings. "It's HARRRRDER for her." I'm simplifying greatly and leaving a lot out here, btw.

Sooooo . . . . parents are older now. I feel no responsibility to help with that. Sister reaped the benefits of favoritism, she can be the laboring oar in the elderly years. And I feel no guilt about that whatsoever.

The "hurt" will always be there. But, it's tucked away and I live my life. And not dealing with my parents' elder issues is a a weight lifted and my "reward" in a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother openly favors and is closer to my sister. They have more in common with each other plus my sister has three kids and (due to infertility) I have none. My mother was not "Mother of the Year" towards either of us growing up but is a very loving and attentive grandmother-this in addition to the fact that they are just more alike has made my sister and mother very close over the past several years. They frequently see other without including me and when my mother bothers to contact me all she can talk about is herself, the grandkids and my sister. I have tried on multiple occasions to work on our relationship but get nowhere. My mother does not understand why I feel hurt re: her lack of interest in my life-she says that I'm too sensitive, that she doesn't know what I'm talking about (even when I give concrete examples), etc. When we do talk or see each other she says that she loves me but honestly she doesn't even really know much about my life at this point...she doesn't know the name of the company I've worked for over 10 years, doesn't seem to be interested in what I actually do professionally, etc. Admittedly, I am not good at "faking it" and sometimes my resentment/hurt/anger comes through and I end up snapping at her or getting emotional which just makes things worse-I become the "bad guy." After years of feeling rejected, I'm at the point now where I really don't want to see her or deal with her but cutting her off would create lots of family drama and would cause a rift between my sister and I (we aren't close, either, but I have good relationships with my niece and nephews and the issue isn't with my sister...it's with my Mom). My mother is 75 and even though my sister is much closer to her I don't feel like it's fair for her to get saddled with all of the elder care issues that will eventually arise (my Mom is very healthy and active at this point and could pass for 65...it's not an issue right now but will be at some point). While my mother wasn't the best and while I don't feel much love towards her at this point (as horrible as that may sound) she provided for us, wasn't abusive, helped pay for college, etc....it's not like she's a monster, she's just distant and disinterested (towards me). If I had kids I think things would be different to some extent but I'd still be a distant second to my sister. I don't know...not sure what to do at this point...any suggestions? Do I just suck it up and fake it on the rare occasions when I do interact with her? Do I reach out to her even though I hardly ever hear from her? How do I get over feeling so hurt? I've thought about trying to enlist my sister and asking her for help with this but it's not fair to put her in the middle plus she's so tight with my Mom at this point I don't think it would go over well.

Similar situation here. I moved 8 hours away. I don't need that sh-- thrown in my face every day. My sister is, frankly, not as smart or successful (I'm no Jeff Bezos but do well enough and have a very strong work ethic; my sister dropped out of college after a semester and has worked retail ever since), and she's lazy. I know that sounds mean but I'm over sugar coating it. I don't care what she does with her life but she has been favored by my mother BECAUSE of her failings. "It's HARRRRDER for her." I'm simplifying greatly and leaving a lot out here, btw.

Sooooo . . . . parents are older now. I feel no responsibility to help with that. Sister reaped the benefits of favoritism, she can be the laboring oar in the elderly years. And I feel no guilt about that whatsoever.

The "hurt" will always be there. But, it's tucked away and I live my life. And not dealing with my parents' elder issues is a a weight lifted and my "reward" in a way.

You could be me. Same same. DP.

Now at the point where I’m like, have fun with all that. I’m out.

[Anonymous]

Lately I have been thinking of it “they own your a$$”
So they are your problem. The person who took all of mom’s time and resources and love and affection owes her something. Me, the ugly stepsister, not so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lately I have been thinking of it “they own your a$$”
So they are your problem. The person who took all of mom’s time and resources and love and affection owes her something. Me, the ugly stepsister, not so much!

Yup. And frankly, if they want to trust my unreliable sibling with their end of life decision making, that’s their choice. I’m not going to spend a minute feeling guilty. Reap what you sow. The ugliness over the years really adds up. I don’t know where these people learned they could rely on their “good” kids to support them without giving anything in return. And by anything I just mean decency, love and respect. They don’t cost a thing. But they wonder why they aren’t getting it from their adult children. It’s not complicated.

As a parent, I’m learning that the time my child is in my home is really short and that I’ll have to work to keep the relationship when my child leaves to create their own life and family. He’s not my indentured servant. Making your way is hard enough without the noose of unloving parents around your neck.