My Mom favors my sister-how to deal?

[Anonymous]

1) I like the suggestion of finding one special thing to do with your Mom that only the two of you do. It might take a bit of work to figure it out, but it could be worth it.

2) Have you talked to your sibling about this? I had children before my siblings, and I know we ended up getting WAY more attention from my mom until my sister had kids. My brother is still waiting so he has felt neglected for years. That being said, my mothers attention is ALL about my kids. She doesn't ask about my work, my career, my husband, my friends, etc. We do nothing together just the two of us. Her attention is 100% focused on her grandkids and has been since day one. It may seem like I get a lot of her attention- and in a way I do.. but its not about me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how is it going? I’m having issues with my mom favoring my sister, and I found this thread. My mom moved from the middle of the country to the west coast to be near my sister 9 years ago. I’m here in DC. Last weekend, my mom told me that she moved to be with my sister so she could help with grandkids. I’m not sure what prompted her to share this with me, but it really upset me. My sister is now 40. She never had kids and I doubt she will. I’m a couple years older, and also never had children for many reasons. In any event, my mom makes dinner every weekend for my sister and BIL and does a ton of stuff for them (even picks up my BILs dry cleaning). I would not want my mom to pick up my dry cleaning. However, my mother does nothing for me and the whole situation hurts my feelings.

Mom is in her late 70s. She won’t change. I call her regularly out of respect and I guess neediness. I don’t want to cut her off, but maybe it’s time to stop calling her regularly. Any advice?

She lives 3000 miles away. What doesn't she do that hurts your feelings from there?

[Anonymous]

Interesting! My mom doesn’t have much interest in her grandchild; all she seems to want is to pollute my brain with her crazy ideas. She tries that with him too but he just leaves the Skype session after a few minutes saying she is very boring to talk to ))))))

[Anonymous]

*saying that to me in private, not to her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a mirror image:

My MIL had 4 sons. Two of them were married with kids. Another was the baby of the family. My husband was the other one: not married, no kids, not the baby.
She moved to be closer to her grandchildren and would call my husband and talk about practically nothing but what the grandkids did, with a little bit of what his brother bought, what his wife demanded, what his other brother bought, what this wife did, etc.

And the thing is, my husband never saw this as favoritism in any way. He saw that the joy of his mother's life was caring for her grandchildren. That in doing so, naturally, she was thrown in with those of her sons and DILs who had kids. This created closer bonds between them, and it was nobody's fault.

Then I had kids with my husband. By that time my MIL's health was failing. She sent money, but couldn't shop for gifts or interest herself greatly in her littlest grandkids.

And I still don't see that as favoritism. It's not her fault we had kids much later than her other sons.

Maybe the difference is that these are sons dealing with their mother, instead of daughters. Maybe my MIL has been really decent all her life and it still shows, whereas your mother has shown in multiple subtle ways that she actually doesn't like you? I don't know.

But think about it.

You sound like a wretched MIL from hell. First of all, *some* mothers prefer or are closer to their daughters than sons - not all MILs are as cold and callous.

Second of all, "she actually doesn't like you" is a very immature and equally cold and callous response. Unless you have no idea what family is. Maybe your family lives far away, and you aren't really close, or the aren't the types to care enough about you to come to your wedding, or something like that. I don't know.

But I do think you sum up what OP is saying quite well, PP. Some people are cold, callous and incapable of being warm, caring and inclusive. That is not on OP. OP, you need to know that your mother's problems do not have to become your problems. Your mother sucks, of course it hurts - but don't let anyone tell you that how your mother treats you (so poorly) is acceptable, right, excusable, or has to do with you. It does not. Your mother is the adult, she brought you into this world, and unless your mother really despises herself (or a major part of herself) she should be treating her children equally and ("and" not "or"!) fairly. Talk to a professional with training in the of family dynamics, to shed some light on this subject for you. Essentially, it has nothing to do with you, you could be anyone, and your mother would still show hate, because she either hates herself, or a big part of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No secret sauce

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think that parental love should be unconditional? What if you are a criminal? What if you are Jeffery Dahmer? It is easier to love a child who is a nice person than a child who is a trouble-maker. You did everything that broke her heart - alcholol, sex, what not - and now you want her to connect with you in what way?

There are all kinds of griefs where children are concerned. When people don't have children they grieve, when people lose their child they grieve, and when people have children who are trouble makers they grieve. She has distanced herself from you because you will drag her down. That is just the way you have trained her to cope with you. So, you are getting the parent you deserve.

Or.. because the OP looks like her father, who abandoned the mother, the mother treated the OP less favorably than the sister, resulting in the OP's poor behavior. Teen brains cannot process information logically, therefore a teen who is acting out, is most likely acting out due to environmental stressors. The OP is not getting the parent she deserves. Everyone deserves a good parent. The parent got the daughter she created and is now rejecting that daughter because OP reminds her of her ex husband. Children don't just randomly grow up to become criminals or serial killers. There is usually a lack of parenting or negative parenting that either slowly builds a criminal or creates a turning point or a snapping point to create a serial killer. Serial killers usually have incredibly pathological mother issues. Criminals usually have absent parents, or parents who did not step in to tell them they were wrong when the child stole an eraser in 3rd grade, leading to greater and greater criminal acts.

OP was so obviously acting out as a teen and young adult because she could always sense the dislike from her mother and her young brain could not process it logically.

Ultimately though, the real issue here is the ex husband. He destroyed his family by leaving and through substance abuse. He destroyed his ex wife's love for her daughter who resembled him by teaching his ex wife through his actions that his face is not to be trusted. He destroyed his daughter by setting her up for failure in life.

Why are we always blaming mothers and leaving the father out of the equation?
Both mother and daughter are victims here.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice. My mother asked me if I would be upset if she left the farmland to my alcoholic brother because he “has a heart for farming”. Let alone the fact he’s never farmed a day in his life.

I have put all texts on mute until I decide what to do. It sucks. It’s painful and I’m sorry. My mom would crawl over me with two broken legs to help my brother with a splinter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice. My mother asked me if I would be upset if she left the farmland to my alcoholic brother because he “has a heart for farming”. Let alone the fact he’s never farmed a day in his life.

I have put all texts on mute until I decide what to do. It sucks. It’s painful and I’m sorry. My mom would crawl over me with two broken legs to help my brother with a splinter.

Well put. What an epitaph.

Let’s all hope we aren’t like this to our own kids.

[Anonymous]

Old thread.

[Anonymous]

Are you a narcissist op?
Bcs you sound like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a narcissist op?
Bcs you sound like one.

Why post cruel things to strangers on the internet? Touch grass instead of your keyboard.

[Anonymous]

PARAGRAPHS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just deal

No secret sause

this

It hurts, but you can’t change anything. FWIW, both my sister and I have two sons and there was favoritism. It isn’t because you have no children. You are looking for reasons and there just are not any. It stinks.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. My mother is somehow completely uninterested in me, my life or my children but is completely obsessed with my sister and her kids. My sister does interfere with my mother ever spending time with us, constantly calling and texting her on the rare occasions my mother did visit, so my mother would then decide to leave. She proclaims my sister "needs her more".

My mother pays for tons of things for my sister's kids (tuition, vacations, camps, activities) and is always with them. If I ask her to come to one of kid's games or events, she will always cancel or just say she has a conflict with my sister or her kids.

I eventually just gave up. I told my sister how I felt, told her to stop calling or trying to interfere with my mother trying to visit us and she said she didn't see what the problem was and she liked the status quo/help. So I don't really talk to my sister anymore either. I stopped initiating contact to see if they would contact me, and they don't.

It's incredibly hurtful. I have been in therapy over it and I just have to move on. I will never get what I want nor will my children get the grandparent I know they deserve and I know my mother can be (because she is to their cousins). If my mother wanted to be involved, she would. She isn't. I can't change it.