My Mom favors my sister-how to deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are probably too sensitive. And speaking as a mom who has a DD who is also, it really his very tiring and quite frankly annoying. I can see how as a mom, once a kid like this gets to adulthood there is a certain sense of relief and the feeling of being done.

You are mom of the year. I hope your daughter can find peace in spite of you.

[Anonymous]

I just cried about this last night. I called my mom as I always do and she spoke of a wedding that she is paying for all three other siblings to attend. She didn't mention once to fly me out (not that I expect it or would take it) or even say can you attend? Then she even told me she wants to fly out the nieces and beep heed and their significant others too.

It hurts and maybe I need therapy or a Valium because I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably too sensitive. And speaking as a mom who has a DD who is also, it really his very tiring and quite frankly annoying. I can see how as a mom, once a kid like this gets to adulthood there is a certain sense of relief and the feeling of being done.

You realize you're a horrible person, right? Just making sure. I hope your DD has another parent to protect her from you.

No, I am not a horrible person. The OP seems to be very hurt by her mother's behavior and I am offering her a perspective from a mom who is dealing with an overly sensitive daughter.

There really is such a thing as being "too sensitive" and it's basically that a person's emotional response to normal situations swing way too far into the over emotional.

My DD is in therapy and we have done family therapy as well. The therapist (actually therapists - this is the 3rd one and the one my DD is most comfortable with) has confirmed that this is my DD's issue and she has been working with her for a while to help my DD identify triggers/situations and understand what is really going on and how to have a more appropriate responses.

[Anonymous]

It might help to find something that you and your mother enjoy doing together. Ours started kind of organically and now it's "our thing"...we go tour Frank Lloyd Wright houses. There's tons of them out there and they make for excellent day trips if you add lunch. It doesn't require a lot of effort as a hobby.

It doesn't even occur to her to invite my sister because it's our thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read a book on mothers and it boiled down to, they are not going to be around much longer so don't get too bogged down with their faults.

-1,000 I'm sorry but being old doesn't give you a free pass on all of the crappy things you've done. It's like saying, "Oh, well, that guy who abused children is in his 80s now. He's not going to be around longer, so just get over it!"

A lot depends on the severity of the treatment and the damage it has done.

If your mother has caused you long-term suffering and misery and continues to do so with toxic behavior, then it's difficult not to get "too bogged down with it."

I have a friend whose mother pulled some manipulative stuff. Here's what she did. She cut ties with her mother for a significant portion of time. Having space from her mother enabled her to truly let go of the hurt and the pain because she wasn't constantly dealing with more nonsense from her mom. After several years, she was able to reconnect with her mother and establish a cordial relationship with very strong boundaries.

I think the only reason it worked is that she did get that space from her mom. It's similar to the PP who said she moved 2,000 miles away.

Part of the problem with moving forward is that you are dealing with two things. (1) you are still grappling with the baggage of all of the past hurt and pain caused by your mother and (2) you are caught in a cycle of current bad treatment. So it's impossible to work through the old stuff when there is a constant onslaught of new stuff.

Take a break from your mother. Get some space in order to work through and let go of things. When you start to feel a sense of relief, reconnect in very basic ways and with very clear boundaries. Don't try to be close or share personal things. Just reestablish a very cordial arms-length relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are probably too sensitive. And speaking as a mom who has a DD who is also, it really his very tiring and quite frankly annoying. I can see how as a mom, once a kid like this gets to adulthood there is a certain sense of relief and the feeling of being done.

You realize you're a horrible person, right? Just making sure. I hope your DD has another parent to protect her from you.

No, I am not a horrible person. The OP seems to be very hurt by her mother's behavior and I am offering her a perspective from a mom who is dealing with an overly sensitive daughter.

There really is such a thing as being "too sensitive" and it's basically that a person's emotional response to normal situations swing way too far into the over emotional.

My DD is in therapy and we have done family therapy as well. The therapist (actually therapists - this is the 3rd one and the one my DD is most comfortable with) has confirmed that this is my DD's issue and she has been working with her for a while to help my DD identify triggers/situations and understand what is really going on and how to have a more appropriate responses.

Hey moron, who pays the therapist, you or your DD? Thought so.

A sensitive child needs an emotional responsive parent. There is no such thing as "too sensitive." It is how she came into the world, and it is not wrong or bad. Jesus I hope her father can be there for her, she really drew a losing hand with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a mirror image:

My MIL had 4 sons. Two of them were married with kids. Another was the baby of the family. My husband was the other one: not married, no kids, not the baby.
She moved to be closer to her grandchildren and would call my husband and talk about practically nothing but what the grandkids did, with a little bit of what his brother bought, what his wife demanded, what his other brother bought, what this wife did, etc.

And the thing is, my husband never saw this as favoritism in any way. He saw that the joy of his mother's life was caring for her grandchildren. That in doing so, naturally, she was thrown in with those of her sons and DILs who had kids. This created closer bonds between them, and it was nobody's fault.

Then I had kids with my husband. By that time my MIL's health was failing. She sent money, but couldn't shop for gifts or interest herself greatly in her littlest grandkids.

And I still don't see that as favoritism. It's not her fault we had kids much later than her other sons.

Maybe the difference is that these are sons dealing with their mother, instead of daughters. Maybe my MIL has been really decent all her life and it still shows, whereas your mother has shown in multiple subtle ways that she actually doesn't like you? I don't know.

But think about it.

It's great that your husband was okay with things, and that you don't see your MIL's behavior as favoritism. But it is actually favoritism. Favoritism is when someone favors one person over the other. Given MIL only ever talked about the other kids and their wives and showed little interest in your husband, she clearly favored the other sons.

What you are saying is that you think the favoritism was justified in that the sons had the things she liked the best at that time. And that's fine that your husband sees it that way and is okay with the favoritism, but that doesn't mean that other people should be okay with it from a parent.

It's hurtful when a parent blatantly and obviously takes an interest in one's sibling's life but not in the other sibling's life. It is sometimes made worse when the favored sibling is aware of it and even sort of rubs it in. But it's the parent who enables that.

What if you hadn't been able to have children and MIL's health wouldn't have faltered? What if then MIL would've been constantly talking to you about how great her other sons are for having kids? This is the kind of dynamic that occurs in many instances. It isn't just that the parent favors one sibling. It's that the parent favors one sibling and makes the other feel inadequate. That's a difficult thing to take from a parent. Even as an adult, feeling rejected by your mother is a painful thing.

Personally, my belief is that OP needs to be honest with herself. If this is continuing to bother her and cause her pain and she can't just "get over it," then she needs some space from her mother. The only way she'll make peace with it is to have a break from her mother, to kind of become okay with not having a mother. Then, eventually, she'll be able to reestablish a relationship with her mother without any expectation -- without the need to have the mother's acceptance or approval or love.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think a lot of this is actually tied up in your grief over infertility. I understand and have been there. For me, I ended up having kids almost 15 years after my sister. By then, my sister's kids were surly teenagers and I got to have the adorable, grandparent-loving little kids. My parents now definitely spend more time with me and I spend more time with them than my sister does. It's all about seasons of life. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think a lot of this is actually tied up in your grief over infertility. I understand and have been there. For me, I ended up having kids almost 15 years after my sister. By then, my sister's kids were surly teenagers and I got to have the adorable, grandparent-loving little kids. My parents now definitely spend more time with me and I spend more time with them than my sister does. It's all about seasons of life. Good luck.

PP here. I'm not sure how your post is helpful. Basically, you are saying that eventually your parents spent time with you because you had kids. OP can't have kids. So where does that leave her?

I'm sorry, but it's crummy of parents to basically imply that if you don't (won't or can't) produce grandchildren, then you aren't important enough to spend time with them. That has nothing to do with "seasons of life." It has everything to do with crappy parents, especially if her mother knows that she can't have children.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who felt unloved. Every time she got with my mom it was like a test. Am I getting as much stuff? Why don't you call me more often? Eventually my mom got worn down with it, though she overcompensated by spending lavishly on my sister and her family. I'm the one that was closer to my mom emotionally but it means I got totally stuck with most of the eldercare and now that she's gone, my sister's resentment keeps the two of us from being close. Believe me, I've tried, but as we're both older, constant rehash of "mom didn't love me as much as you" aren't very sustaining.

[Anonymous]

Try to value your relationship with your mom for what it is, rather than comparing it to her relationship with your sister. You and your sister are different people so your relationships with your mom will be different. I talk to my dad on the phone regularly because he is a good "phone person" and can talk to me forever about whatever random thing is going on in his life. My mom is the opposite and our phone conversations tend to be kind of awkward and short (and therefore infrequent). It doesn't mean I love her less than I love my dad! They are just different relationships.

Maybe try finding something you can do together that will be your "thing" that you can bond over- like a tv show you can watch together or a book you can both read. That way you won't fall back into the pattern of always talking about your sister's kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom doesn't know the name of my company and doesn't understand what I do, but it never occurred to me to care. Unless it's something special like a promotion, I don't expect people want to hear about my work.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. at 75 years old, your mother isn't about to change and there's no way she is unaware she is devoting lots of time to your sister and none to you. She's not suddenly going to realize she's been wrong all along, even if you continue to bring it up. There is no need to do anything dramatic like going no contact. I think you just need to stop reaching out and let her come to you - if she wants. If she doesn't, there's no relationship to salvage and no reason for the relationship with your sister (and nieces/nephews) to be affected.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few questions, if you don't mind? Do you ever see your mom, maybe you included that, but I missed it. Do you only see her at holidays? Does she buy you a Christmas/holiday presents? How often do you talk on the phone? Never, once a month? Weekly? It is certainly not fair that she favors your sister, and emotional part is hard. What about your Dad? Is he around? Does he have favorites? Are you his favorite? Was your sister sick as a child? Sometimes parent will favor that child, doesn't excuse it. Is your mom abusive verbally, sounds like you might be a bit verbally difficult. I am not trying to justify your mother's preference, but since you are in your 40s, it is unusual that you haven't accepted this and are at peace with it, hence my questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just cried about this last night. I called my mom as I always do and she spoke of a wedding that she is paying for all three other siblings to attend. She didn't mention once to fly me out (not that I expect it or would take it) or even say can you attend? Then she even told me she wants to fly out the nieces and beep heed and their significant others too.

It hurts and maybe I need therapy or a Valium because I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I'm sorry op. Sending some hugs. Therapy helped me, but my mom was not nearly so exclusionary as yours The situation you describes really hurts, and I am dealing with family members (not mom) who sadly exclude my DH and I. Therapy has helped and I am just starting to be able to move past it. It really hurts to feel all the sadness and anger I have inside, but seems to be helping in the long run.

And, don't listen to people who tell you "you are too sensitive." You feel what you feel, it may not make any difference to them, it does make a difference to you.

For my part, I try to stay away and interact as little as possible while being friendly when I do. I've tried for years to "fit in" when I could, but that didn't work either. DH and I are also infertile, and have decided to concentrate on what we enjoy in life, strengthen our relationship and our friendships and make new friends, and just move forward. It is hard, and I am taking baby steps.