My Mom favors my sister-how to deal?
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Anonymous
| My mother openly favors and is closer to my sister. They have more in common with each other plus my sister has three kids and (due to infertility) I have none. My mother was not "Mother of the Year" towards either of us growing up but is a very loving and attentive grandmother-this in addition to the fact that they are just more alike has made my sister and mother very close over the past several years. They frequently see other without including me and when my mother bothers to contact me all she can talk about is herself, the grandkids and my sister. I have tried on multiple occasions to work on our relationship but get nowhere. My mother does not understand why I feel hurt re: her lack of interest in my life-she says that I'm too sensitive, that she doesn't know what I'm talking about (even when I give concrete examples), etc. When we do talk or see each other she says that she loves me but honestly she doesn't even really know much about my life at this point...she doesn't know the name of the company I've worked for over 10 years, doesn't seem to be interested in what I actually do professionally, etc. Admittedly, I am not good at "faking it" and sometimes my resentment/hurt/anger comes through and I end up snapping at her or getting emotional which just makes things worse-I become the "bad guy." After years of feeling rejected, I'm at the point now where I really don't want to see her or deal with her but cutting her off would create lots of family drama and would cause a rift between my sister and I (we aren't close, either, but I have good relationships with my niece and nephews and the issue isn't with my sister...it's with my Mom). My mother is 75 and even though my sister is much closer to her I don't feel like it's fair for her to get saddled with all of the elder care issues that will eventually arise (my Mom is very healthy and active at this point and could pass for 65...it's not an issue right now but will be at some point). While my mother wasn't the best and while I don't feel much love towards her at this point (as horrible as that may sound) she provided for us, wasn't abusive, helped pay for college, etc....it's not like she's a monster, she's just distant and disinterested (towards me). If I had kids I think things would be different to some extent but I'd still be a distant second to my sister. I don't know...not sure what to do at this point...any suggestions? Do I just suck it up and fake it on the rare occasions when I do interact with her? Do I reach out to her even though I hardly ever hear from her? How do I get over feeling so hurt? I've thought about trying to enlist my sister and asking her for help with this but it's not fair to put her in the middle plus she's so tight with my Mom at this point I don't think it would go over well. |
Anonymous
| I had a similar situation. Moved 2000 miles away- problem totally solved. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
I had a mom (passed away 15 years ago) who favored my older and younger brothers over me. I am a female. It was extremely painful and they at times rubbed it in my face. Even now I still feel the effects of it. I don't think there is anything you can do. Just want to let you know you're not the only one. |
Anonymous
|
You just deal
No secret sause |
Anonymous
| No secret sauce |
Anonymous
| If your mom is 75, are you in your 40s? Are you living in a a new area without friends for you? Do you have close friends? Some parents just prefer one child over the other, even though I have kids and my sister doesn't mom favors her beyond anything, but still blackmails me and guilt trips me about everything. Maybe be thankful she is not abusive to you? I've developed a thick skin, to the point that people think I am emotionally detached from everything. Just leave it alone, I say, it is healthier that way. You aren't going to change her and since you do seem to care, why spend whatever time your mom has left fighting with her. Reaching out to sister won't work. I tried with my sister and she could see at all what I am talking about, because she never sees that side of mom. As for who take cares of mom when needed, let you sister do it, I am certainly not involved at all, sister lives close to them, and she does it. Even if I was there, I would still be the wicked witch of a daughter, so why waste energy. Sometimes it is good not to care, give it a try. Not for her, for your mental health. |
Anonymous
| OP here-yep, I'm in my 40's-I'm married and have friends. Nope-I'm not living in a new area-I actually live relatively close to both my mother and sister (45 minutes away from my Mom and a half hour from my sister...geographically I'm basically in between them...my Mom frequently drives to see my sister and completely bypasses me...that used to really bother me but then I thought about the fact that I didn't really want to see her anyway). I agree I need to work on developing a thicker skin particularly when it comes to family issues. One of my friends told me to just let me sister "win" and move on if that makes sense. I agree in theory, it's just hard for me to actually do it. |
Anonymous
| I read a book on mothers and it boiled down to, they are not going to be around much longer so don't get too bogged down with their faults. |
Anonymous
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You're an adult. Too old to compete for your mother's attention. Too old for your relationship with your mom to be central.
If she's close with your sister, so be it. Build the support system that works for you. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
This is the OP-the relationship with my Mom certainly isn't central...I really don't talk to her or see her often and I don't rely on her to provide anything for me (I would be in trouble if I did)...I have my own support system. It still hurts, though-i wish it didn't but it does. |
Anonymous
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Here's a mirror image:
My MIL had 4 sons. Two of them were married with kids. Another was the baby of the family. My husband was the other one: not married, no kids, not the baby. She moved to be closer to her grandchildren and would call my husband and talk about practically nothing but what the grandkids did, with a little bit of what his brother bought, what his wife demanded, what his other brother bought, what this wife did, etc. And the thing is, my husband never saw this as favoritism in any way. He saw that the joy of his mother's life was caring for her grandchildren. That in doing so, naturally, she was thrown in with those of her sons and DILs who had kids. This created closer bonds between them, and it was nobody's fault. Then I had kids with my husband. By that time my MIL's health was failing. She sent money, but couldn't shop for gifts or interest herself greatly in her littlest grandkids. And I still don't see that as favoritism. It's not her fault we had kids much later than her other sons. Maybe the difference is that these are sons dealing with their mother, instead of daughters. Maybe my MIL has been really decent all her life and it still shows, whereas your mother has shown in multiple subtle ways that she actually doesn't like you? I don't know. But think about it. |
Anonymous
| You are probably too sensitive. And speaking as a mom who has a DD who is also, it really his very tiring and quite frankly annoying. I can see how as a mom, once a kid like this gets to adulthood there is a certain sense of relief and the feeling of being done. |
Anonymous
Please don't have more kids. |
Anonymous
You realize you're a horrible person, right? Just making sure. I hope your DD has another parent to protect her from you. |