Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't cancel a date, but I would think twice about marriage - my mother had a chronic disease, and it majorly affected my childhood.

+1 I am the child of a handicapped (oh, forgot, the new word is disabled) person and I can tell you that severe physical disabilities have broad impacts on a lot of stuff. Partly that's because we live in a world built for the "abled" and partly it's because disabilities can have add-on effects. Doesn't matter why or "right" or "wrong"...but go in with your eyes very very wide open.

I think he obviously felt the need to disclose because his profile hid this fact. I put this in the same category as using a 10 year old picture showing the person 100lbs lighter...or with hair...or, whatever. It's misleading and a bait and switch. I don't think you need to feel the slightest bit guilty or bad about cancelling if you want to. Nobody else - "abled" - gets a free pass for being somewhat deceptive. In fact, the issue of "special consideration" is the single thing about the disabled I'd most caution you to keep your eyes wide open about.

All that said, I'd go out on a date with him (her in my case) at least once. I can tell you that as the child of a not-quite-wheelchair-bound (yet) parent, this was an immediate dealbreaker for me always.

[Anonymous]

Go on the date and see how it goes. The partner that I worked for at my old law firm was in a wheelchair and was extremely successful and a really fun guy - we travelled all over the country together for depositions and there really were not many issues, other than me having to pull his rolling suitcase for him. We went to baseball games, restaurants etc. in cities throughout the United States. Honestly, I sort of had a crush on him, even though he was married, but it was just a passing crush and nothing ever happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't cancel a date, but I would think twice about marriage - my mother had a chronic disease, and it majorly affected my childhood.

+1 I am the child of a handicapped (oh, forgot, the new word is disabled) person and I can tell you that severe physical disabilities have broad impacts on a lot of stuff. Partly that's because we live in a world built for the "abled" and partly it's because disabilities can have add-on effects. Doesn't matter why or "right" or "wrong"...but go in with your eyes very very wide open.

I think he obviously felt the need to disclose because his profile hid this fact. I put this in the same category as using a 10 year old picture showing the person 100lbs lighter...or with hair...or, whatever. It's misleading and a bait and switch. I don't think you need to feel the slightest bit guilty or bad about cancelling if you want to. Nobody else - "abled" - gets a free pass for being somewhat deceptive. In fact, the issue of "special consideration" is the single thing about the disabled I'd most caution you to keep your eyes wide open about.

All that said, I'd go out on a date with him (her in my case) at least once. I can tell you that as the child of a not-quite-wheelchair-bound (yet) parent, this was an immediate dealbreaker for me always.

Now that you're presumably an adult, it's time to get some help for your anger issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We met online.
I'm physically attracted to him and his personality from what I know is nice.
We're supposed to meeting up for pizza tomorrow night.
He now told me that he had something he wanted to tell me before we went out. Turns out he was in an accident a few years back that's caused him to need a wheelchair. He told me he would understand if I wanted to cancel on him. He would understand if it's a dealbreaker it's been a deal breaker for other women.
He apologized for not telling me sooner.
My worry is I don't know if it's something I can handle. I've never dated a guy in a wheelchair before. I don't even know anybody in a wheelchair.
Maybe it's the fear of the unknown?
I don't want to cancel on him, and be a jerk. I'm in my 30s and shouldn't be shallow.
I also hate the fact that I'm doubting myself now that I know about the wheelchair, because technically he's still the same guy I was attracted to before.
Would I be an asshole just to be honest with him?
I mean tell him I'm just not sure and it would be new to me.
I also wonder if this a tiny bit of a red flag because he wasn't up front with it. I mean I understand why he didn't, but at the same time waiting to tell me the night before our date is a little off putting.

I would go. You won't know unless you try. It's one date. I don't think not telling you is a red flag. My best friend is in a wheelchair and I have seen how people treat her as a result. Telling people up front tends to lead to people assuming she is mentally incapable and writing her off without even talking to her, or getting a lot of fetish pervs.

He told you before your date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't cancel a date, but I would think twice about marriage - my mother had a chronic disease, and it majorly affected my childhood.

Being wheelchair bound is not a chronic disease. A "disability", sure. But not the same as a chronic disease. An otherwise healthy person who is bound to a wheelchair can be very self sufficient and don't require the same family adjustments that a person who has a chronic debilitating disease does.


Also, it's a date. Chill out.

+1. OP (and PPs who call this a deal breaker) you have ZERO idea of his capabilities. An accident that makes you unable to walk is completely different from a chronic illness that affects your ability to parent. Shame on some of the PPs.

[Anonymous]

I think he told you at the utterly appropriate time. Go on the date! He could be the love of your life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't cancel a date, but I would think twice about marriage - my mother had a chronic disease, and it majorly affected my childhood.

+1 I am the child of a handicapped (oh, forgot, the new word is disabled) person and I can tell you that severe physical disabilities have broad impacts on a lot of stuff. Partly that's because we live in a world built for the "abled" and partly it's because disabilities can have add-on effects. Doesn't matter why or "right" or "wrong"...but go in with your eyes very very wide open.

I think he obviously felt the need to disclose because his profile hid this fact. I put this in the same category as using a 10 year old picture showing the person 100lbs lighter...or with hair...or, whatever. It's misleading and a bait and switch. I don't think you need to feel the slightest bit guilty or bad about cancelling if you want to. Nobody else - "abled" - gets a free pass for being somewhat deceptive. In fact, the issue of "special consideration" is the single thing about the disabled I'd most caution you to keep your eyes wide open about.

All that said, I'd go out on a date with him (her in my case) at least once. I can tell you that as the child of a not-quite-wheelchair-bound (yet) parent, this was an immediate dealbreaker for me always.

Now that you're presumably an adult, it's time to get some help for your anger issues.

PP again - I've had plenty of counseling.

I would also warn anyone that anger issues (theirs) are something to watch carefully for with the disabled.

[Anonymous]

I would also warn anyone that anger issues (theirs) are something to watch carefully for with the disabled.

Ok, seriously, just stop. I have multiple sclerosis and am disabled as a result, and I find your posts really inappropriate and offensive. Between that, and your prior assertion

I am the child of a handicapped (oh, forgot, the new word is disabled) person

you have some serious issues, which is your problem, but you coming on here and spewing them out is making it mine, and I don't appreciate it at all.

[Anonymous]

Hey, it's one date. Go on the date. Maybe he's really terrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would also warn anyone that anger issues (theirs) are something to watch carefully for with the disabled.

Ok, seriously, just stop. I have multiple sclerosis and am disabled as a result, and I find your posts really inappropriate and offensive. Between that, and your prior assertion

I am the child of a handicapped (oh, forgot, the new word is disabled) person

you have some serious issues, which is your problem, but you coming on here and spewing them out is making it mine, and I don't appreciate it at all.

^^thank you. Fellow MS'r.

[Anonymous]

Totally go on the date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would also warn anyone that anger issues (theirs) are something to watch carefully for with the disabled.

Ok, seriously, just stop. I have multiple sclerosis and am disabled as a result, and I find your posts really inappropriate and offensive. Between that, and your prior assertion

I am the child of a handicapped (oh, forgot, the new word is disabled) person

you have some serious issues, which is your problem, but you coming on here and spewing them out is making it mine, and I don't appreciate it at all.

OP - this is what I am warning you to look out for: you cannot every say anything negative regarding disability...it is verboten. We are on an anonymous forum, so I can say this here, but would never be able to say it otherwise.

Many disabled people are wonderful and very nice - like I said, go on the date and see. However, if you have zero experience with disability, you should keep your eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Go on the date and see what happens. You never know. I have a friend who is a wheelchair user (spinal cord injury) and he is married with kids, a good career, a great life.

[Anonymous]

it's a date, not a proposal. you liked him and you're not sure whether it will be weird/different/awkward now that you know he's in a wheelchair. I think you can tell him that openly. and just see how it goes. since he's clearly a bit sensitive/awkward about being in a wheelchair, maybe don't lead with logistical questions about how he has sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I wouldn't cancel a date, but I would think twice about marriage - my mother had a chronic disease, and it majorly affected my childhood.

Being wheelchair bound is not a chronic disease. A "disability", sure. But not the same as a chronic disease. An otherwise healthy person who is bound to a wheelchair can be very self sufficient and don't require the same family adjustments that a person who has a chronic debilitating disease does.


Also, it's a date. Chill out.

This!

BTW, I have a chronic disease and it has negatively impacted my children's childhood a lot less than my non-disabled mother's refusal to learn to drive impacted mine.

+1. I have a debilitating chronic disease. No family adjustments needed, not negatively impacting my child's life. Would you make the same sweeping generalization about a black person?

What? My husband didn't have to tell me he's black, I could kinda tell when I met him....